Hi everyone,

im new to this as never having suffered an experience like this and am at the lowest point in my life and could do with some good advice please, heres my story:

Me and my partner have been together for 18 years and have four children together. We have had our ups and downs as any couple but have always made up no problem. Two of our children are quite young and close together in age so i know is a habdful and she is a stay at home mum and looks after us all brilliantly. Over the last year she has started getting socially busy with charity commitments and friends and i have admired her work as i know how busy she is with kids and house etc. I still love her as much today as when we first met, probably more beacause of the kids and would do anything for her. Over the last month or so i had noticed a difference in her attitude to me and her constant attantion for her friends and i suppose it made me jealous, this also happens whenever we used to go out together, she likes to be the centre of attention and knows she is a stunner. Anyway two weeks ago i needed to set an alarm on her phone as was leaving early one morning for work and as it is touchscreen it went staright into her texts. I know i shouldnt but iread it and it was to a friend of hers saying some guy had been texting her morning and night but then he had gone all cold so i looked further back only to find her friend calling her Mrs R (robinson) and then my wife saying ita risk free and fun so i knew something was going on!
That happened on the wednesday morning and i kept it to myself. The next day she had a charity evening in a local city but never asks me just her friend from the texts, i was ill this eveing but even so ran them in and picked them up, next day i was ill and didnt get out of bed until the saturday but even then got up to spend some time with the kids so she could go shopping, she told me she was meeting one of her other friends at a local shopping centre. When she cam back later that afternoon i thought she looked flushed but it was hot so gave her the benefit of the doubt, then it started to niggle me through to the Sunday evening when i managed to have a look at her phone and was hit with the news that she had seen someone on the previous afternoon. She was explaining to her friend how she ached in places she had forgotten about and was still hot, this friend was actually commenting when i gave them a lift on the thursday night about how we met etc. After reading the text i cant explain how i felt, my world fell apart that moment. I decided to confront her.
We got the kids to bed and then i said i need to show her something about her phone and she gave it to me. I explained what i had seen the other morning about some guy and the texts and what was going on and that i was going to look at her phone there and then, she was horrified! I read out the latest text to her friend and then she just went off on one how she didnt want to be with me anymore and need to get away so i lost it and told her to get out, after a lot of crying she retracted and started to apologise and said it was some guy who had badgered her for her mobile number at the end of a night out with her friends and wouldnt take no for an answer and nothing ever happened and the latest text was just winding her friend up. We both slept apart that night with her on the couch. i took the week off work so next day we got the kids off to school and sat down to talk. She admitted to meeting this guy on the saturday afternoon and they just met in a local park and kissed and talked, nothing happened. i just said icouldnt believe how she could bring this sort of thing into our house and the harm to our children that it would cause. That night we both had a drink and cry and ended up in bed and the sex was great. Next day we started to spend time together and talk, but i coulndt get these horrible images out of my head of them both together and traced his number from the phone bill. I started texting him pretending i was her and he responded, i needed to find out if they had had sex or not, the most i could get was how he didnt want to meet back at his place as she knew how nosey everybody was back there. Needless to say i blew my top, she phoned him straight away and told him he had been talking to me, he called her a stupid [censored] and then sent some more texts back saying to gert rid of her as she is only into young men! After a load more of crying and talking and another drink we ended up in bed again! The week went by and she started getting moody to the point i asked her one night about it and wanted more questions answering, she answered that she didnt know if she wanted to be with me again and was confused etc, i left it at that. Three nights after i confrnted her that i wanted an answer to if ahe was staying and as it seemed how dare she turn this around on me, after a blazing row ( i probably shouted a bit too much) i told her tp get out but she wouldnt. Then again after more crying and again a drink, we are in the sack again, the following week was great, we had booked a weekend away together, something to look forward to. I had a problem with her friend i had said how could she of let her do soemthing like this and not stopped her doing it as i know her fella has phyiscally assaulted her and she knows i treat my wife well. I told her her friend was no longer welcome around our house and in our car as they swim twice a week together, she wasnt happy about it. Then at the end of the week i started toi ask questions again via text, why would someone risk meeting in the local park, why would he say about how she knew how nosey his housemates were etc. She ended up saying how she couldnt take anymore etc and went back to how she was, moody etc. Over the weekend one of her close friends has moved so she has spent a lot of time around there which is understandable but we went to a friends party on Saturday night and she told me how handsome i was and made a move, yes we ended uop in bed again!
When we woke up on Sunday morning i asked if we were back on track but she said she needs her own space and how she might rent her friends house but i would always be part of there lives, i left it at that! She is still cold with me but has now planned to decorate our daughters room etc, i have asked about our holiday but she doesnt know? I feel she is stringing me along as she knows she now has control as its me whio is apologising for my texts on the previous friday?
What do you think?
Any advice is much appreciated, i cant bear the way i am feeling with all of this?
Many thanks

Welcome to MB, chevy. I am sorry to hear of these events.

Are you legally married? For how long have you been married?

Thanks for the welcome!

No not legally married but whats even more gutting is i was planning it this year!

Chevy,
If you are not married than there is no "affair" to help you with.

Unfortunately that's the consequence of your choice to avoid marriage. Why would you expect her to act married when shes not?

only looking for some advice, so what your saying is 18 years together and four kids doenst count, think i'll find another site you creep!

Sorry you are upset but the question stands.

How can you expect her to act married when shes not?

The fact that you have spent 18 years with a woman who you are afraid/scared/too lazy to marry just demonstrates to her your lack of commitment. In fact I'd have to say who could blame her for looking for someone else who will commit.

Sorry Chevy,

It's a marriage building forum. Not a "I'm willing to commit to have kids but avoid the sincere commitment of marriage" forum.

No creeps here. Just good people trying to help others build great marriages.

I would encourage you to read the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. Also, you can read Dr Harley�s summary of the book on this site for free.

Because you are not married, there is no A.

A massive offense to your relationship, Yes. No question about that. I am sure you are quite hurt.

When you read what I referenced you might see your situation a little different.

Dr Harley frequently addresses situations like yours on the radio program. Do you have the free app on your phone?