I'm concerned that we haven't heard from either of you guys in awhile.

RNR, I'm glad to see that your wife is posting. What's happening, from your perspective?

Your wife says you're doing good as far as stopping when you become angry!

I'm doing fine, when I get upset I just leave and go for a walk. I'm registered for an anger course but I don't know if we will be able to afford it right away. I'll try and find a cheaper one if possible. My wife seems to get upset when I say I'm goin for a walk and demands to know what it is that is upsetting me. I don't want to talk about it as we are not supposed to anymore. She does not like this at all and she usually runs off herself then. It seems that lately she is blaming me for her affair. She seems to be having a lot if difficulty with having to give up a things like Facebook and her "friends". She won't talk to me when I need to talk, she says its a waste of time, she is constantly on her phone lately doin hiding low what. We are having a hard time right now as I don't trust a word she says and he thinks I should trust her again. Months ago while my wife was off doing whatever she wante to do I made a match.com profile which I never used and she found out about it and is now saying I had an affair? I logged on tonight to show her that I never used it, I never paid for it and I never even filled in the about section or put a picture on it. She would not look, she just said I was a hypocrite and I had an affair which I never. I was just getting ready to move on that's all.

I really don't think she is much interested in this at all. She doesn't think I should be able to think about the past unless I tell her what I'm thinking, which as far as I understand we were not supposed to bring up anymore? Am I missing something here? She flat out refuses to talk to me or offer any comfort. She literally called me a child and said I need to grow up and move on. She says she's done everything that is required on her part but the letter was never delivered, she hides her phone and what she's doing at times mostly when she's upset. She gets up and leaves and says she's going to a "friends" which is where she's gone right now and I am supposed to trust her? She has not found a new psychiatrist and she has stopped going to her old one. I'm not sure how to take all this.

I just tried to talk to my wife again before she went to bed. She refused to say anything to me. I asked her if she was happy and she said she had nothing to say, " it doesn't matter anymore" are her exact words. I don't know what to do? Dr. Harley said it was up to her as to whether or not this will work but she doesn't seem to care whatsoever. Maybe she has already made a choice, she just doesn't want to say it yet.

I know this sounds like I am trivializing your situation, but the basic problem seems obvious to me. You both have negative LB balances, and you are allowing your instincts to dictate your behaviors. Although it doesn't feel right, you need to concentrate on making LB deposits, and avoiding withdrawals. Right now, your marriage is like a car that is stuck in the mud, and the two of you want to argue about why. It is time to get out of the car and push.

mrEureka is exactly right. Stop the things that are causing love bank withdrawals. (example: delete your match.com profile, and make sure she can verify that you don't reestablish it or do anything else like that)

Focus your in person talking on things that are enjoyable. Take your complaints and make them written, i.e., "I need you to quit Facebook." Then you will be less likely to fight over them.

One problem that I see on both sides is demanding that the other spouse talk when he or she is not enthusiastic about it. An example would be her demanding that you talk when you are leaving because you feel angry. I'm also concerned that, depending on your reaction to her when she didn't want to talk last night, she might have perceived that as demanding as well.

One of the most important things you can be doing is scheduling fifteen hours to date each week. That is the time for ENJOYABLE conversation together.

Dr. Harley told you guys to email him going forward if you have any trouble. Send him an email!

Hey, I recently found out that my wife's time line may be false. A family member told me that they found out something was going on back in January where as my wife said that they never made contact until Febuary? Is this something I should worry about?

Uhhh, you now believe that the cheating...woman...is actually still LYING to you? Oh, dear! Whoda thunk it?

Whatever you do, do NOT have an AO! It would be agony to endure another round of "Tsk-tsk's" in that event!

I'm not going to have an outburst. Nothin I can do about it but try and figure it out on my own. The NC letter was never delivered either so who really knows right?

Did you send Dr. Harley an email? You've got ongoing personal help from the best marriage counselor available.

I'll contact him. I can't talk to my W about it as we are not supposed to anymore but there are still things that are occupying my mind about her intentions. I'm trying to trust her.

Excellent.

I will tell you that in my case I had a lot of trouble trusting my wife's sincerity in following the program. Dr. Harley repeatedly assured me that my wife had good intentions and good will. I have heard him say the opposite in cases where the wife was NOT sincerely trying. So I think he is a pretty good judge of the situation and can advise you will.

I am glad that I trusted Dr. Harley's appraisal of the situation and kept working, because once my wife fell in love with me, things turned around dramatically!

Could someone give me the Harley's email again? I can't seem to find it.

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Turns out that he contacted my wife at the very end of January and they were together by the second of Febuary. That was pretty quick. My W is mad right now, she won't talk to me because I never asked her about this first before posting here. I was talking to some family members about things and my W does not like that?

Let her be mad and let her decide not to talk to you. That is her decision. You have the right to find out about the truth.

I will say that it is common for some of the wayward's details to be confused or not quite add up - they were in the fog after all, with brains turned off, and may not remember accurately.

Did you contact Dr. Harley?