ok, zibbles, I have not sent it yet, and will cut it back a lot. I'm glad I put it on here before I sent it.

Rocketqueen, I think I will email another plan b letter because I don't know if the first was clear that I was open to reconciliation.

Markos, Thanks for the advice. I wasn't looking at old posts for advice, rather I was interested in understanding the perspective of the wandering spouse and what they go through in recovery. I have read all Dr. Harleys affair material on this site, and the book Surviving an Affair.

Here is what I just emailed him:
Dear *,

I think my letter the other day turned into rambling, so I will try to make this more clear.

I still love you, and I still want to stay married.

As long as you are trying to see her, I will not see you.

I would love to get back together and create a great marriage with you, that is the most important thing in the world to me. That can happen when you ABSOLUTELY CUT OFF ALL CONTACT FOREVER WITH * and anyone connected to her.

Then, before we can reconcile, you would have to do the following:
A full honest confession to me and the bishop
A sincere heartfelt apology
A letter to me explaining why you think this happened � your actions and my actions
Create a plan for rebuilding our marriage and tell me how YOU plan to do it every day
Completely agree to precautions to prevent contact with her.

I hope to bring our family back together. I know this absolutely can be fixed, and we can be so much stronger and happier than ever before. We need to create a new life where both of us are happy!

I love you and look forward to you returning to our marriage and home and family.

Oy, the only thing I can say is don't let him create a plan for recovery. That is like letting the drunk drive! If he agrees to your conditions, follow the marriagebuilders plan for recovery.

Oh whoops I saw that in one of the sample plan B letters. I will insist on using marriage builders, we already have the program.

Most introspection on the perspective of a wayward spouse is pretty useless. Dr. Harley explains the fog and withdrawal - basically it's like being a heroin addict, so it doesn't make a lot of sense, and is hard to understand!

I have seen a LOT of helpful "I, a wayward spouse, will help you understand the mind of a wayward spouse" posts from people who went right back to being wayward. Treating the wayward mindset with that level of seriousness seems to be counterproductive. Yet these posts usually get rave reviews and thank yous.

I can give an insight into the mind of a wayward spouse ...

As markos said, think "heroin addict." There is nothing to understand. There is nothing to give "insight." It is simply incomprehensive babble of an addict. And if this addict is honest, once he is out of his fog, he will not try to give you insight on his wayward thinking -- he will not be able to understand it himself!

haha, thanks Markos and Prisca, you two are awesome!

Saw my attorney today. He will file a counterclaim for me tomorrow (WH filed in January but I was not served), pretty basic stuff, just to protect assets mostly. I told him I wanted to take it slow to give WH a chance to turn around and he thinks I'm crazy. He told me to go home, look in the mirror and tell myself everything I just said to him, then ask my self why I want to stay with WH. good question but i have hope.

On another note, just to make sure: ALL contact goes through the mediator? What about mundane stuff, can that be through short, simple emails? It feels like playing telephone with all the back and forth through the mediator.

No, no direct contact, not even mundane contact! You need your intermediary to filter out everything other than facts, and you need to avoid all direct contact.

Every bit of direct contact will have an effect on your emotional state. It will defeat the whole purpose of Plan B.

Please be sure to reread the instructions in this link frequently while you make your preparations.

ok thanks Markos

Well, it's the first day he has the kids since Plan B went into effect. I met him at 8:45 am at our church, handed my precious ones over to him, even the baby. The kids all wrote a letter telling him how they feel about him being gone. 7 year boy old wrote "do you even love me? I know I love you." Heart wrenching. And they wanted to make cupcakes for him. I will pick them up at 7 pm tonight.

I have been busy in the yard all day, got a lot done with a serious sunburn to show for it!

Megz, is there a family member or church friend that cam do these exchanges for you? This is still contact.

okay, I will look into getting someone else to do it. He actually brought them to our house 2 hours early. The kids said it went well, they had fun, he was touched by their letters. He was not expecting to have the baby. But 9 yr old saw him send OW a mushy text. YUCK

Yes, I would look into having someone else do it and if possible have an alternative place for drop offs and pick ups. This way he won't be able to bring the kids home early. Like really? He shouldn't be able to shirk his responsibilities to them just because he feels like it.

We had arranged to meet at the church. I will have to have someone else meet him with the kids and tell him I won't be home for the kids to be dropped off.

Good!

Here is an email he sent this morning in response to my 2nd plan b letter a week ago:
Thank you for letting me spend time with the kids Saturday, and (9 yr DD) go for a ride last night. She looked so cute. I wish we could talk, even though that's something we have always sucked at. If you ever have something to do in the evening I would love to take the kids for awhile or if you need a break. So with all the changes you've made recently are you thinking you want a divorce?
It's very hard seeing the kids hurting. How is (DS 7 yr) doing?
What are your plans for the 4th?

Why are you still getting emails from him if you are in Plan B?

I had sent the second Plan B letter by email. I will have to block him.

Yes, do block him. And any other method he has of getting to you. And, whatever you do, do not reply to that email.