I'm very new here as in that i've never posted, but i've read a lot of posts.

I've found myself in a very precarious situation as of late that I could use some insight and wise advice on.

I have been in terrible relationships most of my life and they have all ended in various different forms of pain. I was married for seven years to a man who was mean and unfaithful. I dated a man after my divorce for a year only for that to be a huge mistake. After that ended I tried to stay single for a while, but I ended up falling for a man who was wonderful, but that ended rather abruptly because of a few diffrent issues.

For almost a year I've been trying to figure out my life, where I want to go, who I really am, and if I'm capable of honestly ever loving someone without being fearful, and completely opening up to the emotion.

In July of last year I became friends with a man who has two small children. We enjoy each others company, I adore his children, his family is wonderful. All around a wonderful man.

I've shared with him my reservations about relationships. I established ground rules and boundaries as soon as I started to start thinking about him in a romantic way.

He calls me his girlfriend, tells me how wonderful he thinks that I am, paints a beautiful picture of the future he wants with me, wants me to continue to be a part of his and his children's lives. I'm too freaked out by the possibility of being hurt, that i've only kissed him on the forehead.I haven't even called him my boyfriend when all of my family and friends can clearly see how important he is to me. He's a good sport and says that he understands why i'm being so cautious, but I find myself wondering what if? What if i let him kiss me, what if I could let down my wall? Anyone else have issues like these or am I just crazy?

I expressed to him how i feel about sex before marriage and he's ok with that. I've shared my history with him, the good, bad and ugly, and he's ok with it. I've shared my pain and fears with him, and he wants to protect me. I told him how important my faith is and what i'm looking for in a potential relationship, and he's ok with it, but there is a huge difference in that he's Agnostic and i'm Christian. I base my expectations of a relationship on the bible. We have a lot of the same views, except for a few things. This is one of those deal breakers for me that i don't know if i'm willing to bend on.

With all of that.. maybe someone could give me some insight as to some steps i should be taking, or conversations I should be having. I just do not want to repeat any of m previous mistakes with this man. I want to be exactly what he and his children need, but i can't seem to let me guard down far enough. I'm afraid that i'll walk away from this wonderful man because of fear.

lonelygirl, you are wise to consider this now instaed of later. I will post an article that outlines the kind of things you should consider. Right off the bat I see 2 huge red flags here. The first is that you have very different religious worldviews. That could become a major impediment in the future.

The most glaring issue is the fact that he has children. Did you know that marriages with blended families have an 85% divorce rate? They typically become war zones between the step parent and the parent with the children and his children. Especially if the step parent is of the same sex as the children.

If you listen to the MB radio show, you will hear stories every week about marriages that became so volatile because of step children issues that they had split up or were advised to split up. After seeing the blended family disasters on this board for the last 12 years, I would strongly advise you to stay away from any such situation.

The reason these marriages are so tough is because it is very hard to follow the policy of joint agreement when it concerns your children from another marriage. The parent tends to put those children BEFORE the marriage, and that is when the problems start. Following the POJA is essential for the creation of a successful marriage.

Now, these marriage CAN WORK, but it will take a diligent approach to the POJA and a commitment to always put the marriage first. That is hard for many parents to do.

Check out this article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068b_qa.html

I'm agnostic myself. I had a good relationship with a (devout) Christian man once upon a time and I have to say, I think it would be wise to consider it a dealbreaker. It may not seem important in the early stages, but as time goes on (especially in raising children), it's an issue.

Good luck to you.

Fear is learned behaviour (which I am not unfamiliar with.)
It is a normal reaction to danger, that will tell your body to get ready to fight or flight. Fear is there to protect you.

There are two types of fear: rational fear and irrational fear.
As you have had a couple of bad relationships in the past (we all do here), it is normal to feel a little anxiety starting a new one.

Fear becomes irrational when one begins to avoid normal situations as they trigger anxiety when there is no real danger.
Irrational fear can be a result of an (previous) abusive relationship.

As far as I can read your partner is very understanding of your fear and does not trigger fear himself. What exactly do you fear and when are you anxious?

As for the cultural/religious incompatibility, I do not see a problem with a marriage between an athe�st/agnostic and a christian. I am an agnostic myself but was raised and educated as a Roman-Catholic. On paper I am still a member of the Church.
I would not have a problem adapting to a moderate Christian lifestyle for instance.

I think It all depends on what these religious dealbreakers are really.

But what does Dr. Harley say about this? That is what we are here to discuss. Religious differences do become a major impediment to compatibility because they are much much more than just cultural differences, they are MORAL differences. The moral foundation and worldview between a Christian and an atheist are dramatically different. And I say this as a Christian who was raised by atheists. My differences between my parents are not cultural issues, but MORAL differences. I could barely tolerate my father when he was alive due to these differences. They were constant sources of conflict. With my mother, they are a conflict but we have learned to avoid talking about almost everything. We are definitely not very close.

here

Hey MelodyLane, I read that too.
My point is that this COULD BE an incompatibility, as stated by Dr. Harley. But that is to be TESTED in dating.

The religious incompatibility between a Christian and an Orthodox Jew (from the example) is probably of a greater extend than the incompatibility between a non-religious person -raised as a Christian- and an actual practicing Christian.

e.g. My moral convictions are exactly the same as my practicing roman-catholic cousins.

The point is that these are the kinds of things cause problems and are best avoided when selecting a mate. The TEST often does not come until real life intrudes in a committed marriage. So it is best to be careful to eliminate these items that are likely to cause incompatibility.

I also am dubious about your moral convictions being the "same" as a practicing Roman Catholic. Their moral system is absolute and comes from God. Yours comes from YOU and is very changeable according to your will. YOU are the highest power, the ruling authority in your life. Those moral approaches are miles apart.

Probably a lot of Roman Catholics would have a different perspective and would notice lots of differences that don't seem significant to you.

I'm not Roman Catholic, and I do believe that atheists and agnostics can be moral. But when one side of a two sided issue tells me both sides are basically the same, I am usually doubtful.

Also, I doubt your assertion about adapting to a moderate Christian lifestyle. Most Christians are going to want their children to be raised by two Christians - would you be willing to personally instruct your children in a faith you don't share, for example?

Wait a minute.

I just want to chime in that many nonreligious people are very MORAL.

Religion does not make or break the morality of a person. The inner compass of compassion to others and ethics in life does.

I think I just said that, above.

Agree.

Here.
Radio Clip on Different Religions
Segment #2

I could NOT possibly teach children values from a religion I do not share.
But I could raise children in the Christian faith as I am baptised, was educated in Catholic schools and share all basic values

I am agnostic because it is the way I perceive the world around me; but that does not automaticly mean my values are different.

Yes, I would be willing to raise and instruct children as moderate Christians if that's what it would take to have a happy marriage. :-)

As Dr. Solomon (love that one) said: Christianity is a tolerant religion. Marriage is first, religion is second.
But I agree: it is risky business in dating. I would MAKE SURE my values are compatible with those of my partner first.

*edit*


Nevermind the previous post- in the OP all is made clear in one sentence;

"This is a deal-breaker."

That's it, over and done.

Such a deal-breaker will only lead to a relationship loaded with resentment.

Before I had children, I thought it was fine to raise children of a partner's religion (I am not religious) but now that I have children, I see that it would be a serious issue. The OP is Christian and the bible is quite clear about the consequences of not believing in the principles of Christianity, how is she to explain to her children why daddy does not believe and what will happen to daddy when he dies?

It's just not a pretty picture IMO. It's a dealbreaker for her and rightly so. And I say that as a non-Christian.

Religion and faith are separate things, as faith and faith in God/Jesus are different things.

Though, if one is intent on following the advice of scripture, dating a non-believer isn't advised;



Being married to a non-believer is another discussion.

I appreciate all of the advice, wisdom and insight each of you have given up to this point.

Lastnight in the car on our way back to our respective homes, I told P that I had posted about us on this forum. I shared with him your responses and left him with the ball in his lap.

I've had several conversations with p about the kind of relationship I want, based on scripture. I've even told him that I am not willing to bend where my Christian values are concerned.

How do i even begin the conversation of a future at this point? He was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, has a lot of similar moral values as I do. I'm not Catholic, i'm simply a Christ follower.

I guess that i'm most concerned because of the children. P has gone to church with me a few times, the children LOVE going and he says that he doesn't have any problem going or allowing the kids to go.

Am i just being overly picky or is this a valid concern?


Where relationships are concerned, I'm scared of being hurt badly again. The ending of the relationship last year was rough, and I'm just now really starting to shake it off. I take my share of responsibility for that mess. I've learned a lot about myself, a lot of what I want and do not want. I have always been guarded where men are concerned, due to abuse when I was younger, and then again a few relationships as an adult.

P is a good man, he would never intentionally hurt me I know that. Maybe it's my history that i'm afraid of, and if that's the case, how do I deal with that in a healthy manner?

Keep the replies coming.. I very much appreciate each of them!

If I understand this correctly, you have entered an exclusive relationship with P soon after the breakup with your previous partner. You did not take time to heal as you are still dealing with the fallout. Could you be projecting/comparing your previous relationship with this one and getting anxious in the process?

Did you see a psychologist after the abuse when you were young?
After my first relationship (which was toxic) I suffered from a lot of anxiety. Seeing a psychologist for a couple of months did help a lot.

@geroldmodel

I guess i should clarify a bit. I met P right after the breakup with my previous partner. We became good friends, and were virtually inseparable after that , but our "relationship" didn't really start until early this past spring.

In the interest of complete honesty, I've been near or in toxic relationships the majority of my life, from as far back as my father as a young girl, through childhood into my adult life. I had never seen an example of what a good relationships look like until i finally was able to see that what I was in, wasn't healthy in the least.

I wouldn't say i'm still dealing with the fall out of my previous relationships I just really want to do things differently. I don't want to walk back into the door that leads to me back to the kind of relationships I've been a part of already.

I did see a psychologist for about one and a half years. That only came to a conclusion in February of this year. I got a lot out of my sessions with her, and now i'm ready to start putting them into practice.

Have you read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?