Hello,
My wife and I are trying the concepts in your book and have already hit a wall.

Her top need is conversation as you find often.

So we are on a long drive and I asked her what kind of things she would like to talk about. That I should learn more about.

She got angry and says I should know.

Sigh. Any help appreciated.

If we are trying to reconnect, where clearly we have some disconnects as to what is important to each of us, is it wrong to ask her for help on what she likes?

I feel like I am in wonderland.

Thx

xtrude

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Xtrude

Have you read the Basic Concepts?

Have the two of you filled out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ) for each other? It will help you get the information you need as far as what she likes without having to have a face-to-face conversation about it.

You both seem to have some problems with Lovebusters as well. Have you also filled out the Love Buster Questionnaire (LBQ)?

Xtrude, no, it is not wrong to ask her what she wants to talk about, but conversation is a 2 way street. What does she like to talk to you about?

And are you spending undivided attention time with each other? Are you going out on dates together?

I suspect that you have become emotionally withdrawn and this may be a major reason why conversation is so awkward. Is that why?

Also, have you read this? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html

Xtrude, I suggest you read through this article from Dr. Harley:

Friends and enemies of good conversation

Also see the updated version of this material in the most recent edition of His Needs, Her Needs.

Dr. Harley lists four friends of good conversation and four enemies of good conversation. You have to learn to include the friends and avoid the enemies. It can be tricky to get just right. I suggest you personally review these four friends and enemies every day, and practice them, and try to track yourself over time.

What topics of conversation do you think your wife likes? I would try again to talk to her. She got emotional and had an angry outburst at you and was disrespectful toward you (love busters). But if you keep trying to talk to her, without any love busters on your part, she may eventually become able to think about the subject calmly and able to talk to you about it without love busters.

Also, pay close attention to Dr. Harley's "policy of undivided attention," which is mentioned in the conversation chapter of His Needs, Her Needs. In order to adequately meet your wife's need for conversation, you need to be at it fifteen hours a week! This time should be spent alone, without awake children, and without electronic devices, giving each other your undivided attention. Dr. Harley strongly suggests you spend it out of the house on a date. Long drives are perfect!!

I think you have some great suggestions here!

When your wife does talk to you what sorts of things does she typically talk about? What are her interests or hobbies? I have to admit if my H asked me during a date what I would like to talk about, I might not care for that approach either, but she does need to avoid angry outbursts!

My H and I are actually polar opposites, he enjoys talking about projects, or the nuts and bolts of his job etc. I prefer talking about people, and things that are gong on.

I used to get all my conversation needs met by the females in my life, and do still occasionally find myself gravitating towards that, but I am working very hard to allow my H to be the person I talk to most.

Sometimes I do get frustrated, because we have such different communication styles. What I have learned is that my H often gets a little confused and will have no idea what I am trying to say. We are just now starting to understand how to communicate better.

I look forward to reading and leaning from your thread also!

Some good clips on conversation.
Radio Clip on Conversation

Thank you all for your responses. I need to look through them thoroughly. I was looking for an email from forums to let me know someone had responded but hadn't seen any, so I thought nobody had responded yet.

So sorry for the delay after you were so gracious to take the time to respond.

I will reply back when I have time to read through these suggestions and the links provided.

Thank you again,

Xtrude

No we have not filled out the paperwork, we need to do that.

I am just having so much trouble trying to find out what she needs.

We did find out what our top 2 were for both of us which matched with the videos we watched for the book. So that is good.

But we seem to really disagree as to how fast we should be progressing.

I think it makes sense to go on date nights and enjoy each others company again. Reconnect on the things we like to do and build on that.

We went to date night again last night and it ended up like every date night. It goes well for both of us, the night is coming close to an end, and she brings up some sort of subject that is knowingly contentious, and it all falls apart from there.

Every date I ask if we can just reconnect and avoid contentious conversation at least for now. She either doesn't commit to this and starts the conversation later or says no outright and gets upset and we cancel the date.

I am going nuts because reason doesn't seem to apply here.

I have an issue with getting angry or frustrated quickly and am trying to work on that, but need her help. She doesn't think it is her place to help.

Really losing my mind here.

Have you seen this?

Anger Management 101

Do you have angry outbursts?

What Love Busters are you guilty of?

What are her top ENs?

What you really need to do is find a way to start working on solutions to those problems, outside of the date time. Then she won't be worried about them during the date time.

When unresolved issues pile up, they become something that makes the connection in marriage very shallow. Dr. Harley's solution is for you to learn to resolve them using the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=24
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

Little by little as the problems get resolved, the relationship gets better. Dr. Harley has a new book coming out on this, called He Wins, She Wins. But you can also read about it in his book Love Busters.

BrainHurts has already identified one issue you are going to need to take care of for negotiation to be possible: angry outbursts. AOs render negotiation impossible.

I know - I used to have a bad problem with AOs! But I would love to help you eliminate them.

This article by Dr. Harley will probably be very helpful for you:

How to Negotiate When You are an Emotional Person
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html