My FH (46yo) and I (42yo) got engaged on 2/16. (My second, his first) Since then, a string of life's events haven't allowed us to focus on enjoying being engaged let alone plan a wedding.

We live together, along with my 2 children from a previous marriage. My son has been acting out a little since my FH moved in. That's been challenging also but we've been doing well handling it.

Anyway, the wedding date is 2/2/14. We're now at the 7 month mark before the wedding and again, we still haven't paid deposits or make any concrete plans. Time is running out and the days are flying by.

He wants a full on bachelor party with strippers in tow and he says its "ok" with him and if I wanted male strippers at my bachelorette then that's fine too. PROBLEM... its NOT fine with me. My FH's idea of "fun" with his boys includes babes and booze and I just don't see why that has to be the case. I dont care about him going to a strip club and "watching", but he was very clear in his mention of "lap dances" and I'm so livid with him I could spit nails!

I told him I didn't want strippers at my bachelorette party. I just want some champagne and my girlfriends. Maybe a mobile spa to get facials, massages, and pedicures and just sit around enjoying time with the girls. Most of my friends are married women, except 2.

I feel like if he insists on having his lap dancing strippers, I will not want to marry him or if I find the fortitude to get through the ceremony, I surely will have apprehensions about consummating the marriage.

In my opinion, its disrespectful to me to have another woman bumping and grinding on you while you feel her up, no matter when you do it. Putting the term "bachelor party" around the concept and adding in your friends doesn't give you a pass to cheat. He says I'm overreacting. I asked him if I went out and gave a guy a lap dance and let him feel me up if he would be okay with it, and he said if that's how I want to spend my last night being single, then do it.

Secondly, the fact that I've expressed my feelings about it and he dismissed my concerns, sends bells off that he isn't willing to put our relationship first. It also makes me feel like he doesn't value me when he says "you can have your strippers too". Then he's rationalizing having what he wants by saying that he's ok if I do it too.

I'm hurt and frustrated, and I love him so much. I don't understand why he doesn't see how bringing other "bodies" into our relationship on any level sets the pace for a good marriage, let alone a fabulous wedding day. I told him I don't want to argue for the next 50 years about his bachelor party infidelities.

When we met, he told me had previously been very casual about sex with women and that he was done with that lifestyle. I'm very nervous that this bachelor party concept seems reminiscent to me of his old days which clearly he wants again - if only for one night.

I need to make it through this without losing my mind, and get some agreement with him about what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviors for our relationship, and the people around us. He's not been good in his own life about setting boundaries with people and I think that's contributing to some of our issues. I'm probably more on the opposite end of the pole, shutting out the rest of the world.

First of all, you are perfectly normal in your desire for him to not technically have an affair, but play with it like it's harmless. I wouldn't marry someone that was that disrespectful.

Anyway, there is a book that very specifically addresses your question. It's called Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders and is written by Willard Harley of Marriage Builders.

In the book he describes how people have different views towards marriage, and how that attitude sets the stage on how the marriage will work. In your case I think it's pretty obvious your FH is a renter or perhaps a freeloader since he doesn't seem to be very concerned about building a marriage with you.

Another thing that the book discusses is co-habitation and how that invites the renter mentality. Certainly you see how co-habitation makes things more difficult because you can't just call it off like you are dating as your house will be broken up, but you shouldn't proceed with something like this hurting you.

Anyway, grab the book (it's on amazon kindle so you can buy and read on your smartphone/tablet) as it explains much better than I can here.

ak

Welcome!
I think you made an excellent conclusion yourself.

At MB there is a principle called 'enthousiastic agreement', which means 2 partners negotiate ALL PLANS & ACTIVITIES until both partners are in enthousiastic agreement (or the activity will not be executed.)

It seems like you are not very enthousiastic about the planned bachelor party...

I would say no and I would not agree to marry him if he does anyway.

My H was invited to a bachelor party which included dinner and then strippers after (and where we live, it is 'contact dancing'). I simply said that attending the strippers would hurt me and that if he decided to go, I would feel violated.

Issue solved. He didn't go.

If your fiance is willing to do this despite how much it hurts you, it is a solid indicator that he is unwilling to consider how this hurts you, how he is willing to violate POJA (and MB talks about how even POJA certain things like swinging or strippers is still harmful to the marriage), and that he is NOT husband material.

It's your call, I know it's hard, but I would call off the wedding.

Quite honestly, I would not be marrying anyone who had such a cavalier attitude about strippers. I wouldn't want a husband who went to strip clubs and was so insensitive to my views. Your problem is much bigger than this one incident.

When couples live together before marriage, things have a tendency to get worse AFTER they are married. The reason is because living together it is really a "test" to see how the other behaves. So when they get married, the test is over and they don't have to be on their best behavior anymore. They can now be on their worst behavior because they have passsed the test, so to speak. Dr Harley calls it the "curse of living together before marriage." Check this out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

Compromise is destructive to marriages and breeds resentment as you both start keeping score. Are you familiar with The Policy of Joint Agreement?

It is concerning that he tries to manipulate you into agreement by stating that he wouldn't care if you had strippers at your party. That reflects poor boundaries and a lack of caring for your feelings.



Here is a link to the article:
HERE


CCC4MC introduce your FH to the Policy of Joint Agreement. If he cannot see its merits and is not willing to get on board with it, then you are in for a life of heartache.

The other posters are right about the problems with living together.

My wife would divorce me if I viewed strippers. If I did so it would be one of the most painful things I could possibly do to her. I can't see why any woman would want to marry a man who causes that kind of pain.

Here.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

So tonight we talked about it again...calmly. Or at least it started out calm.
He insists that it's a Rite of Passage to married life, but went on to say, "Fine. I'm not having a bachelor party at all then!"

No matter how hard I tried to get him to understand that strippers, and any interludes of that nature are disrespectful to me, and to our relationship he kept insisting that it's harmless fun. At some point in the conversation he says, "IF you trust me, then it shouldn't be a problem." To which I replied, "I trust you wouldn't want to do something like this in the first place."

He's very upset about this. I asked him that if the whole point was to celebrate our union, how does acting like a horny teenager, "on your last day of being single" symbolize any respect for what we're about to do?

That where the real problem came in. He starts yelling at me saying, "it's done. No strippers. No bachelor party. I don't want to talk about it any more."

Im going to leave the subject alone for a while. Hopefully he will think about it and decide what's important to him. He says I'm important to him but the way he's handling this is completely wrong and off base for a man of his age, and he already has anger and resentment towards me for voicing my concerns. He's not even speaking to me right now. Short, abrupt sentences and an invisible wall between us.

Baloney. My bachelor party was just a bunch of men eating barbecue.

Besides, you're not okay with it.

I am with Marcos.....your boyfriend is full of bull. I would not marry him. He has given you a gift...the gift of clarity of who he is. If you ignore this red flag you will regret it.

And further I would move quickly to dissolve this relationship. It was a mistake to live together anyway but it will be a bigger mistake to continue this relationship.

He will try to make you look crazy by saying you ended it over a Bachelor part. If you feel you owe ANYONE an explanation you can say the bachelor party and his reaction to your unhappiness revealed major fundamental differences. The end.

The fact that strippers are "harmless fun" to him when he knows how hurtful it is to you is a huge indicator of things to come. And his remark about trust is just classic. You shouldn't "trust him" if he does that!! That is like the drunk driver saying "trust me" before he goes drunk driving.............with you in the back seat!!

I agree. He gave you an enormous gift of showing who is is. If this situation is an indicator of how he lacks respect for you and your feelings, it will only get worse unless he makes radical changes.

Thank him for showing you this red flag and cut your losses if he does not makes changes that are desperately needed.

My buddy brought a stripper to my bachelor party, paint stripper:

http://www.masonrydepotny.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/STRIPPER1.jpg

(Don't worry it's safe )

The point is that my friends joked about it and had enough respect for me and my bride. That was 15 years ago now.

I am not that shocked about strippers on a bachelor party,
I am shocked he makes a big deal out of having them when you told him you had a problem with it,
as if he actually wants you to SACRIFICE this for him...

Dr. Harley has said adjusting to a new stepparent can be especially difficult on the opposite sex child of the parent, so it isn't suprising that your son has trouble with your current living arrangement. However, given the circumstances, I suspect your son may also be acting out because he senses your fiance's lack of regard for your feelings. Kids can be like little barometers; they may not be able to articulate what's wrong, but they intuitively know when something isn't right. Their behavior reflects it.

You're getting excellent advice from some very experienced posters who know what they're talking about. It's not easy to hear, I would imagine; but we're not known for sugar coating the truth here. That just leads to more issues.
I'll give you another one:
Even if you detect a lack of respect on his part, you still will need to conduct yourself in a respectful manner to get any positive results from the situation (regardless of where it actually leads).
The above statement is a disrespectful judgement and amounts to you calling him a horny teenager. Not good techniques to employ in healthy negotiation.
Dr. Harley would suggest he move out immediately -- I've heard him advise others this way.

-optimism

Abosulety agree...what a horrible position for your son. You live with a man who does not respect you, and you expect your son to be okay with this? I would not be happy with this either...your son instinctively knows this man is no good yet you are forcing him to live with this daily.