I have just found out that my husband of 17 years has been texting, calling and emailing several women, some of whom are work colleagues an this has been going on for the past 18 months. The nature of some of the emails lends to the impression that more happened and are sexually graphic. He has hidden an ex girlfriends number on his phone, has been emailing her very graphic emails and she has been responding in kind. The women in his workplace have enagged in what is called office banter but had the sense to warn him when he pushed the boundaries and made it more explicit and finally told him to stop and now dont talk to him. he has always had a very professional outlook and good reputation. That appears to be gone. He has also been threatened by one of the women, with reporting him to human resources. I found all this out by accident. Found a text message and confronted him. He lied and said it was a joke, and only when I went snooping around his work email, which he never lets me near, did I come across all these emails in an archive (he thought he was clever and deleted them all). It seems that every week there is a new revelation and he has admitted that he hasnt got the courage to be honest. We have had our problems, most of which stem from his lack of affection towards me and others, his depression which I have always supported him through and his personality which was always reserved and very shy. This seems to be out of character and I am in complete shock here. Reading the emails alone, nearly sent me over the edge. The graphic nature, telling others they are a ray of sunshine, a light in his life. All the while me and my 6 year old are getting crumbs, dealing with his moods, his temper and his withdrawal into his own head. I am so annoyed that I stayed around and supported him through all the ups and downs. I feel so betrayed and humiliated. What must these women think of me and our family life. He obviously doesnt care and can compartmentalise us from this other life.
I cant believe a word out of his mouth, cant believe when he says there was nothing physical and cant let this go. I am vascillating between hurt, pain and anger.
my life has been turned upside down. I told him to leave, which he did and I dont know what is going to happen next. I am trying to hold it all together for my childs sake as my husband has always demonstrated extreme emotional immaturity and I feel like the only adult in this family and alone.

Is he having an affair with one woman? And did you save the evidence?

He is emailing/caling texting three women and was involved in calling texting and sending very graphic stuff to ex girlfriend and she responded in kind.the nature of those emails to ex girlfriend denotes something more may have happened between them. I cant get any more evidence to prove one way or another. I kept all the emails I found between him and all three women, including ones showing that the two work colleagues tried to stop it and became annoyed with him. There are many more emails from female colleagues that start innocently i.e. are about work related stuff and he changes the dynamic by responding with sexual innuendo and tries to engage them in it. Most have not taken the bait.

It sounds like he is on a mission to pick up chicks. Has he ever had an affair before?

No, not that I know of. I would never have thought all this possible as he is very reserved and shy. Its like he has had some sort of radical personality transplant and thinks he is some sort of romeo.

What angers me is the rollercoaster of a life I have had with him at times and support I have given him. It has led to damage in the relationship and when he has had enough, or his emotional needs are not being met-resulting from his withdrawal from me in the first place-he moves on to pastures new.

Siofra, it sounds like he has been or is having an affair and likes the feeling. Since he likes the feeling, he is branching out now. Can you put a keylogger on his computer and some spyware on his cellphone and gather some more data? You need a GPS unit on him and some of the cell spyware has built in GPS.

Exposure will likely wake him up and put a stop to this real quick. But you need to get some good evidence first and you also need to have some solid spyware resources in place first.

Thanks for the replies. I will definetly look into this. My gut is telling me that there is more going on and so far my intuition hasnt been wrong.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

Does the exGF live closeby? How far away?

I wager you are very correct. But we can help you save your marriage if you will very quietly start snooping and then come back here and tell us what you have found. A good keylogger is either spectorpro or eblaster. Eblaster will email you the reports so you don't have to get back on the computer. With spectorpro you have to access the target computer to get the report. Some good spyware for cell phones is flexispy or eblaster. Go to spectorsoft.com or flexispy.com.

Another thing you can do is place a voice activated recorder in his car under the drivers seat. There are instructions on this over on the Operation Investigate forum.

Hi
she lives about 20 mins drive from my house and he has known her since childhood. Had not sen her in years and then he started meeting up with her as part of group of friends that he knows from childhood and forgot to mention she was also attending these sessions.He hid her number under a different name in his phone which tells me that his intentions were deceitful from the word go.

Thanks for info on spyware will definitly check it out.

If she lives that close and you have found sexually explicit emails between the two of them and something that leads you to believe something happened, then I don't have to tell you that that affair has probably already become physical. Sorry

Listen to Mel and get your snooping into place. Please do not confront your H as he will just deny and take these activities further underground.

Here you go.
Keylogger Programs
GPS Units
VAR

Just be very discreet and don't let on that you suspect. Be like James Bond, ok?

If you can afford it, an easier and more effective way to go is to hire a PI. Usually a good PI can uncover the affair fairly quickly and even provide photographs. Otherwise, please get the spy resources we recommended above and we will help you with next steps.

Can you afford a PI?

Private Investigators

yes could afford a PI and thanks guys for all the help. Rotten situation here, so angry and so fed up.

We understand. What you're feeling is horrible and we understand.

How are you sleeping, eating? Are you exercising?

Also have you read all of this? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Pay special attention to Plan A, the Carrot and Stick thread why you're snooping to get any evidence. Ok?

Thanks for that link. Yes I am sleeping well, strangely there is a sense of relief that he is gone. Think I have been walking on eggshells for a while, around him. Think he has come home and taken his frustration out on me or his dissatisfaction perhaps at not being able to do what he wants.

I have lost weight and have joined a gym, so actually feeling better about myself, than I have done in quite a while.
Thanks

Dont get the Plan A. It requires patience and fortitude that a saint would struggle with. I think its unrealistic to expect someone who has been betrayed and had their world turned upside down to be calm, understanding, concise and not want to shout, scream, cry, get seriously angry and project all this onto the spouse. Its a normal process and holding back can be a destructive in my opinion. We are all entitled to our feelings and bottling them up and not demonstrating extreme distress or hurt is never a good idea. I dont care what the greater good is and acting out of fear that a WS will not like it.....these are the consequences when you hurt someone badly and we dont live in utopia. Human emotion doesnt operate this way and I have no intention of holding back when I decide to let go. If that offends my husband or he cant deal with the consequences of his actions, then he doesnt belong with me.

Plan A is part of the strategy used to help break up the affair. For women, Dr. Harley only recommends about three weeks, tops, because, you're right, it's very very hard. It can also be physically and emotionally damaging to the woman in Plan A as she does her best to keep her cool while gathering hard evidence of the affair, meet the needs of her wandering spouse AND avoid all the love busters she so rightly feels.

The point of Plan A is to give the WS a lovely last glimpse of what he will be missing. It's also so the BS (betrayed spouse) can know that she did everything humanly possible to keep the marriage going.

If you believe you have already done your best or for whatever reason don't believe you're up to it, then work on obtaining your evidence, all the while making your plans for Plan B - a very dark separation from your husband.