Just sent my IM the link from the forum for iM training and PLan B correctly.

Yeah. Her BH now knows that the letter was a sham. I called him when i learned of their additional contact. She is now asking for a divorce. But of course her friends now thinks she accepts responsibility and is working on her marriage. Should I expose again?

Absolutely! With a pointed admonition that the veracity of anything that she says/writes/posts/communicates is obviously worth about what my Sheltie just left on my side lawn!

As a matter of fact, invite any/all willing parties to forward to you anything they receive from her, so you can fairly refute what the skanky slut would be presenting.

And, oh yes, copy WH and all HIS family/contacts on all this correspondence as well.

Consider this an appropriate exercise on YOUR Independence Day!

Okay so I need an opinion on how to write the second exposure. If you read my first post you will see that I "invited" this situation to happen by us having a short lived open relationship with this couple. I know the part i play in all of this and i take complete responsibility for my actions. I never lied to my husband and he mutually agreed to this. Should I go into all the gory details with her friends and family? His and my family already know the entire story.

I don't have a problem telling anyone all the details. I'm just not sure where to draw the line.

Here is what I am thinking..

Dear friend of OW,
I apologize for having to contact you again. After my last correspondence both OW and BH agreed to end the affair and work on our marriage. I am under te impression she sent you a note to this affect. She to sent me a letter also statig the same.

I also know she informed you how I played a part in the destruction of my marriage. I know you know there are two sides to every story. The situation was a mutually agreed upon decision. I never once lied to or deceived my husband. I also feel I was pressured and deceived by OW on occasion. Feel free to contact me for more details, timelines and evidence if you wish. I recognize what was done was wrong. I wish nothing more than to repair my marriage.

Well I have now discovered all the letters am things said in counseling were lies. OW and BH have secondary phones and email accounts and meet up out of town. OW mother and sister even appear to be in support of this affair, as BH talks to them on the phone and has stayed at their home.

I still love my husband and wish to work on Repairing our marriage. This cannot be done if they are still in contact. I ask you again to persuade her to end her relationship with my husband.

That's a good letter.
I would add: "they are being watched and I have evidence of their continued affair"

Okay. I'm probably in the minority but if it were me, I'd go plan B, go dark and forget the second exposure. Her people are going to see what she's up to. They're all watching now. More exposure seems unneeded IMO.

I'd let the first exposure continue to do its job and focus on self care. Plan B. Write WH a letter, get an intermediary to filter communication and let this shake down.

That's just me. All this double extra exposure just starts to look like drama. Let these two waywards deal with the fallout that's already underway.

Also, you tell the kids. Tell them daddy has a girlfriend and that's not ok for a married man. You take charge of telling the kids.

Focus on plan B. That's what I would advise.

Okay, so I spoke with Steve this morning. He was okay with second exposure since most of her friends thought she was in recovery.

I did that to just her few close friends and family on facebook. I also second exposed to his parents, close friends and sister. Got some nasty responses from her friends. Oh well. I was cordial and said I appreciated their response and would no longer contact them.

I am planning on going dark. Still working on an IM. Think early/mid next week. Lots of details and trying to find the time to get it all done with two kiddos and no close family is kinda rough.

I do have this strange sense of calm about this all.

Oh, and I told the kids this afternoon. Five year old was so sweet and said "So there are people without houses, we should move to daddy's new house so someone without a home can have ours". Uuuugh...heart...broke...

I explained that Daddy didnt want to live with Mommy. He said Daddy was being mean. I tried to explain that Daddy is making choices that might make us sad and it is okay to talk about it. This feels good to be honest, but awful at the same time.

Did you tell your kids that daddy has a girlfriend?

When you're married, mommy and daddys should not have other boyfriends and girlfriends.

I said daddy thinks he is in love with another woman when he is supposed to love only mommy.

Sooo, he stopped by tonight. He said he wanted to tell the kids, not knowing I'd already told them. He hung around until bedtime, still not saying a word to them. He made a PB sandwich, took a nap on the couch, and started a load of laundry. At bedtime we started to talk about when he could see the kids. I told him I wanted him to have them every other weekend and two evenings a week (have them home by 8). He does not agree (wants 50/50), but still doesnt have a place to live. Well we hit standstill on that one. I said he could have them Sunday after church. I then told him that I had told the kids since he had failed to do so every night this week he said he would.

We put kids to bed and our oldest asked him if he was staying, he first said I don't know. I glared at him about that response, and he said I dont think so buddy. Our oldest said I think you are going to stay because you've been here tonight. Grrrr. I told him before he left that he cannot hang out at the house, it confuses the kids. Our oldest also asked him why he love another woman when he is supposed to only love mommy. He didn't answer him.

He said tonight how I am not "pure" in all of this. Something I have never claimed to be. He says I talk down to him. I said i would gladly skywrite my mistakes if he needed that for him to know I understand that I made mistakes. I messed up!!! We all did. I still love him and know we could have an amazing, enjoyable, connected relationship if he cut off contact with her and worked on it with me. He said he loves me too. URRRRGGG.

I also said I thought it was odd that he could forgive himself, and forgive her for the choice we all made mutually but that I was the one not forgivable (or at least not forgivable enough to try to work on our marriage). So I asked him why it was I whom he thought was on a high horse.

Heck I don't know, perhaps we did mess up too bad to fix. I'm trying to hang on to Steve's direction that we can make it though this if we both commit and follow his plans.

I know I probably should not have engaged my husband this way, but I rarely get heated but this really frustrated me.

I am not starting to see why Plan B is so important. I thought I could Plan A forever. But that was only because we basically ignored and avoided any confrontation for 6 months(both our personalities). Now that I am kind of standing up for myself his reactions are really withdrawing love units.

So when will you be going into Plan B?

My plan is hopefully Wednesday of next week. I've got a few details left. Bank account, childcare, etc. But I have my letter and IM. I am completely okay with doing this (completely might not be a fair word, worried about being lonely, but at the same time know I will be okay)

We keep trying to talk about custody but aren't coming to agreement. I don't want to come across as trying to keep his kids from him. He wants 50/50. I want him to have every other weekend and two evenings a week.

How do you negotiate these things in plan b? I can't imagine being an IM through that sort of battle?

You make sure that a stipulation is that he can't have the kids around his AP.

You might also have to seek legal advice.

I really appreciate having this board. You guys really help me think about things I might have missed. I do do much appreciate the advice.

I have a quick question. I have a strong desire to move "home", where I grew up, where my mama and friends live. It is two hours away. I mean it seems we may have to sell our home to make finances work and I will have to go back to work full time. I guess I just feel if I have to find a new job and home anyway why not be near those who support me most.

I'm just worried about whether this is a good idea. I mean I don't want to keep the boys from their father, but this would mean they would see him less. Though it would make Plan B easier. Gosh maybe I am just rambling. I'm concerned about what would happen if my WH lifted from the fog and would two hours put a hamper on reconciliation. Of course then I tell myself that if he really wanted to work on our marriage who cares about two hours. Heck if he really wanted it to work someday he should be willing to move wherever.

Haha. I think I have no real question in all that rambling and it certainly wasn't quick.

Adulterous parents make terrible parents.
I would take whatever steps are necessary to help YOU in plan B