Hello,
I just found this site. I have been married 20 years. We have two children, a 17-year old and a 15-year old. The 15 year old is severely impaired. She has a genetic disorder. I have been a stay at home mom since the oldest was born. He has a girlfriend (of course....did I expect anything less). This lady is 9 years younger than he is and has two children who live with her ex. Anyway... I could really use some help.

Welcome to MB and so sorry for your pain.

Do you want to save your marriage?

Have you seen this? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Yes, I would like to save my marriage but all things considered it is probably hopeless.

Hi skcamick, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Can you tell us what you have done to save the marriage so far? What leads you to believe this is hopeless?

How did he meet this woman?

He has been going out to them at by himself for the last ten years, while I stay home and take care of the kids. He has been seeing his mistress for about a year now. I just recently found out about everything. I suspected that he was not just dancing as he claimed but I didn't press the issue either.
I have homeschooled the oldest daughter and the younger special needs one is a complete handful. She has to be fed, diapered, etc. She does walk and uses any brain power she does have to wreak havoc and break stuff. We routinely have EMS here because she has gotten into another fix. She has choked on the dogs rawhide. She has swallowed a bracelet which the hooks caught in her throat. She dismantled a lamp and chewed on the wires blackening her tongue. She has tried to pull the television over on herself. She has to be WATCHED every minute. In addition she has seizures and a host of other medical concerns. Recently I took her into the emergency room because she swallowed something and it was lodged in between her stomach and the intestine and they needed to go in endoscopic to remove it. With her disability she has ADHD plus she only sleeps a few hours a night.
My husband hates kids and doesn't want anything to do with them. A lot of people tell me that I will TOTALLY be better off without him. He is very Narcissistic and I am wonder if he has crossed over into sociopath (not sure on that one) .

A couple years ago we went to marriage counseling... The therapist was wowed with the stories of what I deal with on a daily basis. We quit going to counseling when I refused to allow him to use the equity in the house to buy a Viper. This was just before the housing market crashed so luckily we are not upside down on our mortgage.

Did you leave a word out of your sentence here? He goes out to bars?

I sure do sympathize with your burden. Do you have help with this child? How has your marriage fared despite these burdens? Have you and your husband spent time together over the years? Were you able to meet each others needs all these years?

Yes.... he does go to the bar. No... We were not able to spend time together. About 10 years ago he lost his temper and punched DD2 while I was at church with DD1. I decided it was time to get help. The way you get help from the state with children like this is to set up an interview with a social worker. You tell her your tale of woe. She writes a report summarizing what she has seen and heard. She sent the report in. The state scores it based on how much stress is present in the home. We got a VERY high score but when the social worker got the score she called and got it raised even more because she didn't feel that the state had scored it high enough. We got on the program within a couple months on the first try which isbprettynhard to do.
The state now gives us over 400 hous a month to pay people to come in and help. Believe it or not I still stuggle.... Right now we have three people on staff. I hire the people and train them. I recently hired someone but it took me five months to find her. The jobs starting pay is $10 an hour but when people see how much work DD2 is, they pass on the job.

What a tough situation! While it is no excuse, it is easy to see what happened here. Because of the burden of your daughter, your marriage took a beating and your husband has checked out.

If we could help you kill this affair, would you be willing to do the necessary things to save your marriage? That means putting your marriage FIRST and making your a home a happy welcoming place for him.

The ideal solution would be for you to have a happy marriage where your husband is engaged and is caring for you. But the marriage would have to come FIRST.

Sure!!!

Just about everyone knew about the affair before I did. DH shows no shame in what he is doing. When he filed for divorce I told someone..... She come back with his reasons for filing is named DKC.... And gave me details of the affair he had been parading in front of everyone.
Would you believe the OW tagged him in "my bed" a full six months before he filed for divorce. These people have no shame. She just hid the post from me and my daughter. When he didn't come home that night he said that he had gotten really drunk and the drummer for the band he groupies after gave him a ride to his house and he was there sleeping it off.
I told DH's extended family about the affair when he filed (and I found out about it). They are Christian and believe what DH is doing is wrong.... However, DH has very limited contact with his family and could care less what they think. They are saying things like "make sure you get a really good lawyer." , etc.

In order to recover your marriage a few things have to happen. First off, your H has to stop going out to bars and you would have to create an integrated lifestyle where you spend 20+ hours per week going out on dates. That would usually be 4 - 4 hour dates where you spend the time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.

He would have to end his affair and eliminate the conditions that made it possible. [we can help you kill it - no guarantees but there is a 50/50 chance you can run this skank off]

Your home life would have to become a happy place where you make mutually enthusiastic decisions together. I suspect you have been in charge for a long time and he has checked out. Am I right about that?

What we would do first is help you bust up the affair by exposing it. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is the most impactful weapon you have. In the meantime, you should focus on doing the best job possible meeting his needs and painting a picture of a beautiful, happy marriage where both your needs are met in a happy home. We call this Plan A. Plan A should be conducted for a few weeks. If he won't end his affair in that time, the next step is Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. You would stay in this until his affair dies a natural death.

Are you up for this? If you are, click on "notify" and ask the moderators to move your thread to Surviving an Affair. We will help you try to save your marriage.

Is your husband an alcoholic?

Does he play in a band?

And he has filed for divorce?

I would say he is an alcoholic.... Although he does not claim this title for himself. No, he does not play in a band.... Is just a 50-year old groupie. And yes.... He has filed for a divorce... The day after our 20th anniversary. He WILL not stop going out to the bars, and has no interest in ending the affair. I don't need to expose the affair.... He was parading it around... I was the last to know.... Everyone but me knew!

... and yes, I have been taking care of him. The house is cleaned top to bottom everyday. The floors are scrubbed, the carpets are vacuumed, the garbage is taken out, every fingerprint is cleaned off every surface. We have a home cooked meal on the table every day at 5:30 when he gets home from work. (and I might add, it is made from scratch... DD2 is allergic to corn and all corn products so I can't use any processed food). The laundry is washed, dried, folded and put away every day.... The lawn is mowed. Every thing is done. He comes home from work, eats, watches TV, and then goes out to the bar for the night. I don't fuss at him that is is drunk (at least not very often... If the truth be told, every once in awhile I do.... probably about 3 times a year). He doesn't help,with the kids at all. When I have tried to even kiss him he rejects me and has for many years. We have not been intimate in probably ten years.... I have tried many times to change that. I figured he wasn't able with all the drinking. I don't know if he is using little blue pills for her or what.

Have you read this?
What to do with an Alcoholic #1

His not being intimate with you in 10 years is pointing to the probability he has been in a sexual affair during all those years.

He insists that he hasn't but I seriously wondered.
I stayed because my plate is so full already with taking care of DD2, I don't know how the heck I am going to add even more responsibilities (like working... I know I will get child support and alimony but it won't be enough to not work.) But DD2 will be with me for another 10 to 15 years and then DD1 will take her. She will be nearly impossible to place in any sort of facility.