I am writing this post to tell you all that we talked and I decided to let him come back home. What happened is my Dr canceled my appointment because of family issues (they said something about her mother) and I was pretty upset. I know I have been skating the line of going into mania for a while and I was really afraid I was going to end up going there. Once I read that there�s a theory that mania is a self defense mechanism. The brain can�t deal with the depression so it starts pumping out the dopamine and you go manic.

I called hubby and he came over to talk to me because I really don�t have anyone to talk to. He helped a great deal and suggested I go off the AD at least till I can get to a doctor and get a lower dosage or something. He was right because now I am not manic or hypo manic but extremely depressed. Depression I can deal with, but mania can be scary and the last thing I want is to go bat crap crazy and have the cops called and hauled off to the loony bin again.

Anyway I was grateful that he took the time to help me out that way, most people wouldn�t especially since I have not been very nice to him. He told me he had plans to get a job as an overseas contractor (in the war zone areas) because they make quite a bit and if we were splitting up he don�t have a reason to stay here anymore. I didn�t want him to go, so I guess I do still care for him. Plus he wants to be with me despite the fact I have a MI (Bipolar) where most people wouldn�t so I guess that�s saying something.

So yeah I took him back. I am still so very hurt. I can barely function. This is all still very raw and I don�t think I am going to be able to talk much about it until some of the sting is gone. I did spend today talking to him about some of it and I don�t think I will ever live long enough to understand this kind of a thing. Since I never really had an affair, it just doesn�t make sense to me. I don�t think I am capable of loving more than one person at a time or something. I am not saying I am perfect or a saint but I don�t, or have not, loved anyone else in the last 20 yrs. and certainly not slept with anyone. I have had a few friends but nothing I would consider a love relationship or a love interest. Plus I don�t even want something like that either, I am way too fubar to even think in those kind of terms. So I guess the best plan is to at least try to work through this.

I am having trouble accessing my feelings. The way I deal with stuff is I kind of stuff it down until I am able to pull it back out and deal with it. It�s kind of like I have to get used to the idea, then accept it, then I can maybe take a look at it and deal with it. Right now I am just trying to keep a lid on it and keep myself together. I can�t do the AD anymore. I was starting to have some real trouble (I was afraid this would happen, Bipolar and antidepressants is not a good thing) and even had some mixed episodes going on which I never had before. So I guess I am going to have to do this completely depressed, without AD, because trust me, that is so much better than a manic episode. Yeah hypo mania is fun and I actually enjoy it but it�s not like I can control it and if it goes to full blown mania it can get pretty bad.

Oh by the way. Sometimes my brain moves way faster than I am able to communicate. Yeah it sounds weird but it�s true. Its part of my disorder, but it probably won�t happen while I am depressed; usually it�s when I am having hypo mania. If my posts ever sound odd then that�s probably why. I do actually know what I want to say but because my brain is flying so fast it comes out spotty or parts of what I wanted to say. It even happens to my speech so if you were to talk to me it would sound pretty bizarre. I am aware of what I want to say but it just doesn�t come out right if that makes sense.

Anyway I am sure it isn�t going to be too popular but really I am thinking about my future and even though I am so hurt that I don�t know how I will ever recover I don�t want to be alone and want to be with my husband. I also think that my disorder might be some of the problems that we are having. There�s some rather cool things about being bipolar, I am creative, artistic, smart as heck (even though I am just realizing it recently) can be funny and a whole lot of stuff, but most of its not very cool at all I would trade with any one of you just to be a normal person.

I also am starting to understand why we don�t understand each other and communicate very well. Most people are linear thinkers, I am not. I am very non linear in my thinking (another part of my disorder my brain is wired differently). When people say others think outside the box? I don�t think I even have a box for reference. It�s neat in some ways, but I am beginning to think it might be some of the reason that we don�t understand each other very well. We are going to have to somehow relate and I probably need some sort of specialist or something to explain to me how to do that.

Anyway that�s the update. Sorry if it�s unpopular but it�s what I want to do.

Hopes

So he is still with the OW and you're ok with that?

So his help was to tell you to take yourself off your antidepressant? How else did help you? Did he have a talk with you about how he wanted the marriage to be good for both of you and his first step would be to establish no contact with OW and put EPs to not have another affair?

I suggest you don't stop taking your AD. Severe depression makes you vulnerable to all sorts of other suggestions that aren't in your best interest.
How do you behave, what do you do when in mania?

Don't think of yourself as someone that no one else would be able to tolerate like your husband. It's a common maneuver for gaslighters to support the idea of no one but them being able to love you as much as they do.

I think you should allow yourself about two months with no contact to see how you think and feel without his influence. Him deciding to do his own thing while separated, to continue to move further away before any divorce just shows how disposable you are to him. Was it you that initiated the conversations that led to you taking him back in? Was it he that waited for you to reach out to him?

There are worse things than living alone.

No I don't think he is with the OW anymore. I would not be OK with that, I would send him packing if I find out about any more lies or anything else with her.


Lifetimelearner,

I was a bit worried about that dose of AD when they gave it to me at the hospital. I have never taken that much before and apparently I can fly to the moon, no rocket required on that stuff.

Hypo mania is fun. I wont lie. If they could bottle that feeling and pass it out everyone would be immediately hooked. Your happy, you feel really good, its fun.

However, full mania, that's not fun, its scary. I did that once and it terrifies me. I guess the way to explain it would be during any of the mania side (hypo or whatever) your brain speeds up. Its ok during hypo because you can still think clearly (maybe even more clearly) but its no big deal, possibly some communication issues, less sleep etc.

Full blown mania? My brain goes so fast I cant keep my thoughts together and can kind of become lost. I get scared because I cant shut it down. Crazy happens. Usually there is cops involved during anyone's manic episode, its not a good thing. So whatever it takes to keep that from happening again, that's what I do.

Having that happen while alone, that truly terrifies me. I wish that doctor had not canceled but I know they have a life too. As soon as I can get to see a psychiatrist appointment I am going to ask if they can lower the dosage (by a lot) and it might possibly work? I don't know, but that's what I am thinking.

It takes a while to get the meds balanced and it might be even harder for me because I am hormonal (menopausal) and I heard that can cause problems with the meds.

What?

What?

WHAT?

How come you don't listen to a word we say?


What difference does it make what is "popular"? We only want you to know that you are DESTROYING your life. We want to be friends who HELP you, not ENABLERS who allow you to lie to yourself.

Pack your bags to go back to the hospital, Hopes.

Hopes, please talk to Dr. Harley directly. He has a lot of experience with mental disorders as well as his marriage counseling experience. He used to run a chain of mental health clinics.

Please, please reach out to Dr. Harley. He and his wife Joyce are incredibly nice and go over and above to help people.

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Cheating husbands cause depression.

I agree, talk with Dr. Harley. He brings together both personal and marriage counseling.

You still haven't said what you do in your manic state. Lovebusters?

Here's something else to consider: your mental and emotional health are worsened beyond the help of medication if you are dealing with a recalcitrant wayward. I don't think taking him back in without conditions is going to help you gain long term stability. You will steadily get worse and worse.

I do think he is sorry and is starting to see what all of this really did to me. Affair number one was pretty bad and I told him that part of my condition is environmental. So in the crap he put me through with that affair probably was a big contributing factor to what caused this in the first place. I don't think he got exactly how bad he treated me then until now.

We had the talk. I told him I am tired of being with a childish man and it was very unattractive to me. I guess I consider this whole thing very juvenile and childish and a little too Jerry Springer for me. Its kind of like him seeing what he can get away with. I told him that if he cant keep his hands out of the cookie jar, that I would give him the whole jar (meaning divorce). I told him he can choose to stay and be faithful or he can choose to go, and to bring the papers I would sign whatever divorce arrangement he wanted to come up with.

I told him we are going to have a grown up relationship now that I am sick of playing games. If he don't want to be here, the marriage is so unfulfilling, or bad, or I am so bad then why the heck did he stick around this long? I am not buying any responsibility in his affair, its his fault, and that's that.

I told him this isn't that damn hard. Its not rocket science to not sleep with other people. This is not uncovering some mystery of the universe. Plainly, keep your pants on and sex outside the marriage don't happen. I think I hit the anger stage now. I am pretty angry about all of this, sad too, but mostly just angry.

He did some crying, I am pretty sure he is repentant. He is not with her, he says now he hates her. I guess he is pissed because she did a lot of lying to him. I am thinking whatever, I just don't care if she lied to him. I care that I was lied to. We have started talking about her part in all of this. I think he is telling me the truth about it, she was the aggressor, like that matters. I told him just because she started the affair that he did not have to do it. So its 100% totally his fault.

Now I could go through the stage where I say horrible things about the OW but really it just does not matter. He chose to have an affair with her so it don't matter. I have been looking for her and she's been hiding out. I decided as part of my recovery we will be doing a face to face. Don't worry I am not going to fight her (no violence of any kind) but she will be hearing what I have to say. I think its only fair that she hears about what her behavior has caused, as well as my own selfish husbands behavior.

I did have one epiphany this weekend. I think I know why he does crap like this. In short, his mother screwed him up and she died about a year ago from cancer. It was a pretty messed up death, took well over a year, and I think it did something to him. I think it possibly dragged out some old childhood issues for him and probably contributed to all of this.

I hate to speak ill of the dead but she was a really bad mother. He told me once that he had 12 "fathers" by the time he was 8. She basically went from man to man and neglected her kids to the point of pawning them off on to other people to be with which ever man she was with at the time. So basically he has nothing to look at what a good relationship should be like. All he knows from growing up is watch his party mom booze it up and go from man to man.

I have noticed his oldest sister is the same way. A copy of their mother. I cant keep track of her husbands but I know she has had at least 5 or 6 since I have known her possibly more. Now she brags about her conquests that she is a cougar (she's as old as me) which goes to show just how messed up that she is.

I did make it a condition for me staying that he has to go to an IC. I want him to deal with and fix whatever makes him act this way. Also we did get to the bottom of some of the issues in the marriage. I am not blaming his affair on the kids so don't take it that I am saying that. However, since the kids have moved back in we have had little in the way of privacy in well over a year. If we want to talk, there's always someone there. Its not like when they are 5 and you can send them off to bed either.

So yeah there were some issues which I will go into more later probably but I can say this wasn't something that I caused. Anyway this is turning into a book so I guess I will close for now.

Hopes

LifetimeLearner,

I agree I have not taken him back without conditions. I just have not gotten around to typing up an agreement or posting about it. I am still sorting it out in my head of exactly what I want if this relationship is to recover. I do know he is never allowed a friendship with another woman EVER! That much I do know. Other than that I am still thinking about it and want it to be set in stone before I post it.

About the mania. I wish it was a simple as love busters but its not. I don't really want to go into details as I spent a year or two crying in my first Psychiatrists office about all that happened during that manic episode I could tell by the look on his face he was tired of hearing it. He referred me to a councilor but really I have a hard time with an IC. I don't like to talk about some things because it drags out stuff I don't want to think about. Plus, when you tell people about some things they look at you funny. I don't like that look.

An unbelievable amount of shame is attached to that time. Its pretty much standard fare though so if you would like to know what happens just google bipolar 1 manic episode. I will say I was not in my right mind and no longer in reality. I still have a lot of shame over it.

I will say I don't think I had any risky sexual behaviors that are the typical. I can remember most of what happened or I think I do so I don't think I did anything like that. I don't really want to talk about the hyper sexuality part of this bipolar stuff so that's all I have to say on the issue.

I am thinking of asking the Dr. to just put me back on my old meds. I wanted to switch because they are way expensive and there were some side effects. Hubby said I slurred my words and I know I was tired all the time and slept a lot. The one I think I had some sort of weird addiction to. If I skipped a pill I did not feel right, and had this weird sensation in my throat. Oh and the anxiety, I did have more anxiety on them. Other than that they seemed to work ok I guess.

Plus soon I have to get ready for the semester to start. I had thought of taking this semester off to deal with this affair crap but I think I have wasted enough of my life and I am going to force myself to go. Plus it might help me keep my mind off some of this.

I made the Chancellors list, I got that in the mail. I also made some decisions about which way I want to go with my degrees. I am thinking of going with art as a fall back position. I am fairly certain I can do the whole art thing and not have any problems. However it don't really challenge me much so I wonder if I will want to do that forever.

So I am taking a leap (a big leap) of faith or maybe insanity lol. I don't know if I am smart enough to even do this but I have always had an interest in physics and astronomy. I guess I can try and if it gets to be too much I can drop the class and run for it lol.

Either way I got to get through all this math first to even try. Einstein sucked at math too so that makes me feel a little better. Not that I am any Einstein (I wish) but it does give me a slight bit of hope.

Anyway I will think a lot more on what I want him to agree to for this relationship to work. I will post it sometime later. Right now I got a couple more Dr. Harley books in the mail to read. I am reading Surviving an Affair. I think hubbys first affair was a lot like Sue and Greg but I don't think there is the attachment with this one like the first affair was.

I think this one he basically got an ego boost cause a younger woman threw herself at him. What he is saying now is he told her he loved her to see if he could get some. Honestly, I don't know but I am fairly certain he is not seeing her anymore. If I find out differently I will divorce him and he knows it. At least he don't seem to be pining away over loosing the love of his life like last time. I guess time will tell.

Hopes

Well whatever I did that ran everyone off I am sorry for. I had reservations about coming here, I should have stuck with my first instinct and never came here. I am not good with people this is why I stay alone and will continue to stay alone.

I am not going to post anything else about me or my life or update anything anymore. I give my word, no one will hear from me again.

It's tough when we give MB plan and advice after Dr. Harley's proven program, and you want to follow your own Plan.

So when someone doesn't want to hear or listen to us, even when we have the best intentions and give Dr. Harley/MB advice.

Sorry we aren't a "blogging forum".

I really do hope that you recover Hopes.

I wish you would at least email Dr. Harley.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Do this.