Hi all. Been married for 23 yrs, my wife told me the typical "love you but don't love you". This happened back in Oct 12. Since then after visiting another forum, reading books, speaking to councillors and doing everything I could, I have accepted a lot of my faults in the marriage: selfishness, negativity (to work especially) and depression the main factors. Anyway, a few months before the wife left, she made a new friend at the school she works at. This friend already had a history of being a controlling possible lesbian. Within a few weeks the wife started showing signs of an affair (I just didn't get it until too late), constant texting, hiding the mobile phone, deleting messages as soon as she got them, leaving the house late a night to stay at the friends house, long phone calls followed by texts and then a long weekend away. During this time and even earlier we had no big arguements, just the typical issues of something I did wrong here or there, not even regularly. Never once in our marriage did I ever get a threat of leaving me or for me to pull up my socks. I have never hit, swore at or threatened my wife in any way, nor have I ever had an affair or lost my love for her. What I did do though was lose my way of showing my love the way she needed to see, not the way I thought I should show her.
Anyway, after 8 months of trying so different ways of trying to improve the marriage: giving her time and space, texting once a week, not asking for second chances and then finally going dark. I found out in the last 2 days that the emotional affair is actually a physical affair with this other lady. I got a letter today from the solicitor to split the assets.
Basically I don't know what else I can do now. So really looking for some new advice.
Throughout the 8 months of separation, she rarely answered my texts, we had 4 meetings and 1 phone call. She really did not want to see or speak to me. She also left the house with only her personal stuff. Didn't take anything we co-owned and even at the time of asset splitting she doesn't want anything. Basically her new partner has it all.

HotWheels:
Welcome to MarriageBuilders, though I am sorry for the reason you find yourself here.
You are dealing with an affair. I suggest you contact the moderators and move your thread to the "Surviving An Affair" section of this forum. There is much more traffic there, and you will receive more response from the veterans who can help you.
Please read the first thread in the Surviving An Affair section, titled, "Welcome Aboard, Read Here First". Then come back with your questions.

Thanks catwhit, have sent an email to the mods with changing forum pages.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Please read all of these.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Who all knows of your wife's affair?

Just a couple of more things that I forgot to add that are important to the future.
My wife and I are both teachers, we were both sent to the country 2.5 years ago to do what is called "country service". This service would finish after 3 years and we have the option to apply to come back home to the city, where we have lived for the last 20 plus years.
Also at this time, both our sons are still living in the city. My oldest stayed when we moved to the country, the youngest lived with us in the country until last year when he finished schooling and moved back to the sister in laws house in the city.
At the end of June this year, we had to have applied for moving back to the city. After many months of wondering what to do, I applied. I found out last week the wife didn't apply. Therefore she is determined to stay with the other woman for another year at least. I hate the idea she has given up the boys and her family to stay with this other woman. Also I have to accept that she cannot move back to the city under any circumstances until she applies again for the transfer next year.
Therefore I know I won't be near my wife for another 1.5 years. We are about 600miles (1000klms) away from country to city.
The other woman is also a teacher at the same school as my wife. I am in another school.

Thanks BrainHurts, I wrote my above comment before seeing your reply.
Have read all the 'welcome aboard' pages.
Pretty well everyone knows of the wife's affair. All the family knows she is living with this woman, the school knows she lives with this woman, all her friends know she lives with this woman. What most probably accept or think, is that she is living with this woman as friends rather than anything more. Only one or two family members have accepted it is more. Most are simply turning a blind eye and feeling the separation of us is less of a problem than losing their daughter/sister/mother etc.
Basically once I move back to the city at the end of this year, the wife will be in a country town with no people aware of her history and no family or friends to inform on what she is doing. In other words she will be as private as she can be.

Who have you exposed to?

I haven't exposed her affair to anyone apart from my brother who keeps it to himself and doesn't have contact with any other family or friends.
Most of the affair signs have been talked about since the separation and have been seen by everyone without me having to explain or demonstrate.

The school is ok with this? Did you expose to the principal and school board?

Do your boys know? What do they say?

Ok so this is your first plan.

You need to expose this loud and proud. Read the exposure 101 thread and come back and tell us your exposure list.

But there is nothing more to expose. All the people know she has walked out of the marriage, they all know she is living with this woman, they all know this other woman is very controlling, butch and has had a previous girl/girl - teacher relationship before. They know she hasn't put any effort into working on the marriage since the separation, they know she is wanting a divorce (which happens after 12 months of separation) and they know she has organised for assets to be separated.
The school also knows, but maybe the countries are different (being Australia) but the work doesn't care what she is doing as long as her job is continuing fine.
Everyone knows my love for her, my desire to improve myself and my wish to work on the marriage. She doesn't. Nearly everyone is simply accepting that. Just not me.

So everyone knows she's having an affair? Or does she tell everyone she's just a friend?

What do your sons think?

So it's not against school policy for their teachers to have affairs during school time?

Everyone knows the situation, but no actually proof for everyone to be 100 percent sure. But they all know as much as I do. How they handle or deal with it is their choice.
Yes she does tell everyone she is just friends, and the friend is helping her cope. Again everyone is seeing this lie, they just don't want to lose the wife from their lives. So they don't confront her.
My son's are dealing with it the best they can. I have tried to ask questions, see how they are handling it etc. But have also come to the conclusion that I am not doing my relationship with the boys any favours by continuing this. They simply want a good relationship with their mother and father, separate is better than nothing.
No there is no school policy or work policy in Australia about people having affairs. As long as the affair or any signs of physicality are not shown in school. The exact same views as married/engaged or any other relationship. No kissing, cuddling, hand holding or sex in or on school grounds.

Did you read this thread?
Exposure 101

Yes, but I have nothing else to add to what they all know. I have no other proof that can be said or given. What I could end up doing is losing a lot more people by taking this road, when there is nothing more to add to what is already out there. I could lose my sons as well by not being a good father, but showing resentment.
I have spoken to family and friends face to face about this situation. Either they don't care, don't believe or prefer this new situation instead.
I fully get the idea of the exposure and why you would do it. At this stage of our separation I think it will just make things more bitter for everyone, not just the wife and I.

hotwheels, welcome to Marriage Builders. The best thing you could do for your marriage, your wife and most especially your sons, is expose the affair. Your boys have a right to know what has happened to their family. Otherwise they will unknowingly welcome this lesbian affair partner into their family.

I honestly don't hold out much hope for your marriage at this point because the affair has been kept secret for so long, but at the very least everyone will know what has happened. You need that so that you are not facing this lesbian at family events in the next 20 years.

Helping her hide her affair is not the behavior of a "good father" but of an enabler. Don't be an enabler, Sir.

Just tell them, I am sorry to tell you this, but your mother left our marriage to have an affair with Skanky. This was evidenced by hundreds of texts, emails and texts over the preceding weeks. OW is a lesbian.

Basically I don't know what else I can do now. So really looking for some new advice...Therefore I know I won't be near my wife for another 1.5 years. We are about 600miles (1000klms) away...But have also come to the conclusion that I am not doing my relationship with the boys any favours by continuing this.

Mate, we can give you advice toward many different goals. (Full, nuclear exposure being a major part of all of them, follow the previously given advice in that matter.)

BUT......

What is the end result you want, given:
- she is financially independent,
- you are going to be 600 miles apart in a few months, for a year, minimum
- your grown sons are basically resigned to losing their mother, and she has no qualms about leaving them

I'm suggesting you finish your exposure, deal with the division of assets, and go into a strict Plan B. Let her find out that living the life of an outback lesbian with a serially controlling "butch" might not be the paradise she today imagines.

Because no one has confirmed this with them. It is much easier to sweep this under the rug when their suspicions are never validated.

It is also a good thing that you are moving back to the city. When her affair crumbles, she can follow you there and be away from the OW.

Sorry I know it sounds like I am making excuses, but the reality is they all know what is going on. There is no exposing anything.
The boys know what is going on, when the Sister in law talks about their mum being a [censored]. They know from my discussions with them.
They have all heard this literally from day one. There is nothing to add to the saga.
She stays with the family while on holidays, just gone. She sent hundreds of texts while there, rang the skanky one while there and bolted back home as soon as she could.
The boys, family and friends know I have tried to be the better person than what I was. I have tried to do the right thing during the separation (cannot say I always did the right thing) but mostly I have shown a different person than what was expected. It was probably expected, based on my behaviour for the last few years, to yell, scream, call names and act like a real a***hole.
The family don't like this skanky one, but again, it seems that the whole family have taken the side of, it is better to still have a relationship with the wife, than lose that by forcing/helping or disagreeing with what she has done. Apart from my boys, the rest of the family and friends can afford to lose me, not the wife.
Mostly it is viewed "out of sight, out of mind".
MelodyLane I appreciate you joining my situation and your comments, it is simply a dead end with the exposure way. I understand it, have read it and would agree it does work. All I can see in my situation is it is going to make me come across as more of an a***hole than what I was before the separation. I would lose the last bit of thread holding onto some form of relationship with the family.
The teachers at both our schools accept and understand what is happening, the school chaplain does also. There is no more proof than what is already out there. All it will now show is my bitterness by saying or doing anymore. Please understand I am not giving up, I have spent the last 8 months doing so much for my marriage. I have learnt what is good for me, the way I need to communicate and show better empathy for people, and to try and put myself into a positive light rather than the negative light I have been for many years.