If they all know, then what is the problem with telling them she left to pursue her affair and asking them to support your marriage? I am very confused about why you are insisting it has been exposed and then objecting to exposure?

What was exposed to whom? WHO said what? And if it "already exposed" why would it be a problem to send them an email with basic FACTS asking for their support in your marriage?

Do your children speak to her affair partner? Have they tried to run this woman off? Or is Is everyone just going along and pretending like everything is hunky dory? And you don't want to rock the boat?

Through your silence, were you "rising above it" and being "the better person" while she stuck it to you? ["please don't scream while you are being raped"] Did you fall for that cultural ruse? That works well for uncaring family and friends who don't want to hear the screams while you are being raped, but it does not bode well for your future RESENTMENT. All it does is ENABLE the affair at the expense of the victim.

I know, I have been through this. And the resentment I endured over the insane belief that I should "rise above it" [ie: shut up while I am being assaulted] was the worst I have ever endured in my life.

If that is what is happening here, I want to caution you about going along with this sick, dysfunctional little scheme while everyone turns their heads while you are raped.

Is that what is going on here?

That is like the rape victim saying that she won't tell anyone she was raped because it will show her bitterness, so she allows the rapist to walk around freely.

My argument is that any person who would condemn a rape victim as "bitter" for telling the truth about the rapist is a crapwit whose opinion does not matter.

MelodyLane, thank you again I do appreciate the discussion.
Firstly, no the boys do not talk to the other person. Apart from when she stayed last holidays (3 months ago) at the SIL's house. What the boys said, or how much talking I don't know.
The problem is, no one wants to support the marriage over losing her. That is it.
I have not been supported at any time in the last 8 months from anyone. Including my sons. No one has contacted me, I initiate contact. No one has simply asked how am I coping. Yes they are uncaring for me, not the wife.
quote "Or is Is everyone just going along and pretending like everything is hunky dory?" Yes, everyone is. They don't like it, but will accept it.
Basically me continuing to have the support of family and friends is simply going to lead to them no longing talking to me. They see the situation as not great, the don't like what has happened, but it has happened and get on with your life. Stop constantly talking to us about it. The reality is I don't like the family (apart from my sons), I hate how they have acted to me after knowing me for over 25 years.
quote "I know, I have been through this. And the resentment I endured over the insane belief that I should "rise above it" [ie: shut up while I am being assaulted] was the worst I have ever endured in my life.
If that is what is happening here, I want to caution you about going along with this sick, dysfunctional little scheme while everyone turns their heads while you are raped.
Is that what is going on here?"

Yes it is. Move on, get over it etc etc. No support whatsoever from the family. As I said before, even my own sons simply don't want to talk about it. No matter how much I try to ask or bring up scenario's.
All three sisters of my wifes family and the mother have all divorced. They see as moving on a part of the divorce situation and believe that things get better. For two of them that has happened, a third one is on the road to being better.

I am so sorry folks, I lost this site somewhere while having a new hard drive replaced.
Anyway, update time:
All the family are fully aware the W is having an affair with this woman including my sons. The SIL even snooped on her phone and found a lot of texts that were certainly not "friend" texts.
The family (not my sons) have now abandoned me, they have not talked to me since way back in July. Their view is that they don't like the W is doing this, but she is family and they will accept her as is.
In other words they do not give a s**t about the marriage at all. So much for all the love of the family over the last 23/24 years. They know the marriage broke up because of the affair, yes also because of my faults too. Again they just dont care, as long as their daughter/sister visits them every school holidays and talks on the phone every so often, then they are happy.
Pretty well the family are the type of people who simply ask "are you ok"......well....."great" and move on.

Now the next update:
I spoke to the SIL and ex best friend (he didn't want anything to do with me either) within the last week. Both of them separately have advised that the W has changed her personality and behaviour immensely. They don't like it, but are just accepting it for family reasons. Again no one in her family have taken up the challenge for the marriage, no one has even bothered to speak to her about what she is doing/done.
The W (SIL view) has gone from being a lovely, talkative, caring and beautiful person to an abrupt, keeping to herself, non talkative and doesn't want to do anything person. She spends all her time on holidays texting and ringing (presumably) the other woman. She has also started to invite the other woman to different family events. Back in September the W's parents went up to the country to visit W (they didn't visit me while there) and go for a holiday with her for a few days. She invited the other woman along at the last minute. She invited the other woman along to the family Xmas gathering (no I wasn't invited). And now my son's fiance is having a 21st party, where we need to camp overnight, and the W has advised she is bringing the other woman.
Again the family simply don't care and don't say anything to her about it. The family are ok with the other woman in regards to they will talk to her and be friendly to her.
Paperwork for the splitting of assets has been signed by me, and sent to the W awaiting her signature. I have agreed to everything she wanted, which in reality was very little. I actually come out benefiting from the splitting of assets. The W didn't want the houses, just to be paid out, which was very little as the bank owned most of the house. She wanted the old 15 year old car, while I got the 2 year old car. I get all the household stuff, furniture, white goods, electrical, garden and garage stuff. Her solicitor asked for my superannuation (as in a split the W can get half of it) figures, but she didn't take half of that.
I still think the W is in some kind of mental fog well and truly.

Anyway, the MIL turned up on my doorstep yesterday, ranting and raving about how selfish I am, and always have been. I agreed I used to be selfish before the separation, but have tried not be selfish since.
I asked her why I was selfish in her eyes, and the answer was because I am taking everything in the asset split. WTF?
I explained nicely that really it wasn't any of her business, but how could I be selfish when all I have done is agreed to what the W wants. I haven't fought her for anything, I haven't demanded anything. She then proceeded to tell me that I should have offered her more. Well sorry, but that is not my job to do. She then told me I should have paid for half of her solicitor fees. Well sorry, I have my own solicitor, not to mention I didn't start this splitting of assets.
I was then told how nasty that the W gets the old car and I get the new car. Again, I have offered the new car to the W since the first day of separation. Actual fact, I drove it out of the garage every morning (the first five weeks she was still in the house) for her to use. Sometimes she did, most times she didn't.
The final and hard straw was the MIL told me even my sons are disappointed in me, because their view is that I am being selfish to their Mum. That one hurt, because I know in my heart I am not being selfish at all.

Where to from now?
Personally, I feel the marriage is well and truly over. While I will still always have hope, I think the W is too deep in with this other woman. She is being supported, to a degree by her family and she is now in the country where it is easier to keep it quite, with no family around.
I am still trying to do my best and improve my relationship with both my sons. But this is hard to do when one of them lives with the SIL, the other visits and stays 2 or 3 nights a week. Therefore they are updated constantly on every little thing that happens.

The W also confirmed her status of being a couple to her Mum back in December when asked.

While I am moving on, still hoping, but prepared to date other woman, I still feel that I am like Dan Akcroyd in the Trading Places movie. Where I have gone from a good, happy life with a lot of great things in it (sons, belongings, holidays) to feeling like someone is playing games with my life and taken it all away (family, friends, sons) and don't know what the heck happened.

I have tried to do what I could, the best I could for my marriage over the last 15 months. The reality is, nothing would have made it better. More than likely she started the affair before even giving me the "I want to separate". And since it has continued for so long now, then there is a good chance it will still continue for a lot longer. Combined with literally no communication between W and me, unless she wants to ask something legal, my hope for R is diminishing daily.

I have had a brief time (2 weeks) with dating. Taken my ring off after 14 months, because I couldn't have any more feelings about being married and to stop my friends constantly still asking when I am going to get over it.

I still don't get my W leaving me for another woman. I don't have any male issues about that, just the simple fact the W has never in over 25 years shown any interest in going that way.

In some ways it would have been easier, and maybe the family would have acted differently if she had an affair with another man.

* oops. Missed last post

~RQ

Hotwheels - People are advising you to expose your wife's affair because you want to recover your marriage. This is an integral step in doing so. Your wife's affair is not exposed and not everyone knows. You have not taken the high ground once in this battle and that's the reason why you're losing. Sure it might make you seem like an a-hole but who cares? You don't need to impress these people; by your own words they've already abandoned you. So why not shed some light on this filth and expose for real? Why not stand up and declare to the people around you that your wife cheated on you?

You think your position is unique and special. I assure you it is not. These people have seen it all before and just because you're in Australia, doesn't make your situation unique. Listen to the veterans who are trying to help you, hop on the marriage builders surviving an affair bandwagon and start exposing for real. You might be surprised at who comes out to stand by your side when you draw an line in the sand and force people to make a decision. No one will be able to hide anymore, including yourself.

Read this please: Guys. Come On. Assault the Ambush.

Appreciate the feedback tccoastguard and you are right, I have taken the wrong high road. You are right that I don't need to impress any of these people anymore, they have all walked away from me.
It is time to simply say "my wife cheated on me".

Lets see how plan a goes, even though I have already tried a, b, c, d etc.

hotwheels, I would complete that sentence with "my wife has cheated on me with [enter OM's name]. She left in XX-XXXX to conduct her affair.

Exposure is the most important part of Plan A.