We did well for a long time so it is hard for me to see that we are once again going though to things we worked so hard to get past.

A lot of things improved and got much much better for over one year but this recent regression is troubling and I am struggling with the idea of starting again.

I haven't changed or lost steam I understand and like MB marriage. I think he has lost interest and maybe that's why we are falling again.

I need PORH but recently I'm getting no communication from him, I had to nag him for 4 days just to get him to tell me about the weight thing.

Right, we get that he doesn't want to use MB. People who don't want to implement PORH, POJA and give up IB don't like MB.

He is not interested in taking your feelings into consideration when making decisions. This a major problem and if he won't commit to resolving it, I would not accept that.

Susie,

the problem is that he is not I interested in ANYTHING, he has lost interest in his job, his friends, his cycling, his parents, Mb recovery, movies and even SF. If it was selective interest loss I can understand and be more hard lined about it but he lost interest in all the things he loved and all he has kept up with is working out and the phone game.

I have mollycoddled him a lot because of all the good he has done in the time if real recovery but now I see I need to stand firm and get over the guilt and do something about this.

Here is my plan so far.

1) talk to H honestly and without holding back, ask him to post on Mb and to go see Dr ASAP to get help.

2)POJA that the game has to go

3)POJA RC activities and start doing them

4) increase UA time and date nights

5) read the LB book again and redo questionnaire. Stop any DJ's and LBs from my side

6) look into the online program and POJA it with H

Have I missed anything ?

I just went back and looked at some of your threads, two from last year, one where he wanted to leave and another where he had allowed some drunk girl to sit on his lap. I seem to recall early in your recovery even while he was posting here he was doing some shady things like maintaining opposite sex friendships.

NB, you have a real problem on your hands and I don't think you are seeing the big picture.

You have been trying to implement MB all on your own for years now. You were advised last year to go to Plan B if he would not get on board, and he was playing the same depression, "lack of self-confidence" victim card with regards to allowing this drunk girl to sit on his lap. You were told he was a manipulator and a gaslighter but you don't seem to see it.

I am glad that you are reaching out to Dr Harley and I sure hope you give him all the pertinent information, I would pull out the information from your last two threads from last year as well.

Your H did not just recently "lose interest" in MB. I don't see any sign that there was really ever real effort on his part to implement any part of it, just excuse after excuse for why he could/would not.

All those incidents did happen and I never suggested recovery was easy but things changed in December 2011, he truly committed to the marriage. I have been through enough false recoveries to see that the one we embarked on was a genuine good recovery, it's not until April this year that things started to slip, first it was subtle then recently it took a fast dive.

I really understand why you and others here will be skeptical that we were ever in true recovery but I haven't posted because we were doing well not because I was resigned to put up with it.

I deeply regret not going into plan B I am ashamed that I wasn't strong enough but things got worse then better after that.

Things are not horrific now it's just when you have been in a truly good marriage for a year you notice when things aren't as good anymore and although there are plenty of people out there who are content with an ok marriage I want a great one.

If I need to go to plan B this time I will, I am stronger and more confident than I was when it was first suggested, I am not scared of plan B at all now because I have faith in the fact that it will work whatever the outcome and I will be ok eventually either way.

H has learned not to mess with me and maybe my strength is what's intimidating him. I love him and want him but frankly I don't NEED him.

NB ... I have followed you for some time as well, and I hear so much justification and enabling behavior from you that it is difficult to want to help you.

He is depressed because he is doing bad things, when one does good things they don't get depressed.

I would sit him down and lay out a list of EP's for him. Tell him he either gets on board or he has 2 hours to pack and get help for his addiction.

Susie has laid out ample amouts of red flags for you. Your belief that one addiction is less harmful than another is pure crap.

Your emotional state sounds horrible from your posts, and I think a separation to heal yourself would what I advise.

Living with an addict (any kind) is a nightmare and does nothing but beat the other person down until there is nothing left of that person.

I understand fully what you have said and I have worked very hard at it and will carry on working at it. I appreciate the help and understand the frustration people are having with me. I hate to write an essay on here but things were great for a year.



Couldn't agree more however when I say this I am advised its a DJ towards my H so it's kind of frustrating.



I have agreed with this plan and made arrangements for the kids to be looked after by family tomorrow so I can do this.


I guess when you have been though all the other bull he put me through this seams minor, but the facts are that his behaviour is not healthy for the marriage at all regardless of where it scores on the severity meter.



It's odd because I feel really good, I am happy in my own skin, I am no longer suicidally depressed and haven't been in a long while, I am sleeping better, interacting with the kids better and have an amazing support network that I didn't have during the dark years after the A. I am in a really happy confident place in every aspect of my life a part from the marital issues.

I understand he is addicted but can't do anything to improve the situation until he understands this also. Currently his view is that he is entitled to down time as he works hard. He is right he works very hard, we are together at the shop in the morning then he has one hour turn around before he goes to his evening job. He gets overwhelmed by our hectic lives and even UA time is becoming a burden as its yet another scheduled thing to take care of.

He helpes with all the house chores and care of the kids. He does not have any evenings out with his friends nor does he get any time to himself and I can't help but understand his suffocation. He does not have to come to the shop with me but he does so in order for us to spend time together (not UA time just normal time), then we get home cook dinner together bath the kids and he is off to his job until 2am. I get the evenings to myself once the kids go to sleep and I would hate the life he has with no time out.

This might come accross as justifications to you but I am trying to explain why I have been so lenient on him, I feel sorry for him at times however we need to work together to make our lives better so we are both happy, right now neither of us are.

Is there anyway you can out source some of the household duties? A nanny or cooks? Not that this will answer the IB or PORH and UA.

Basically we live in a council house (basically welfare housing) and on minimum wages.

The shop is a new business and is just been open for 1 year in a really quiet location but with potential. So although we own the business it's a new business, it has not made any loss but is not enough to support us yet.

Here is our typical schedule.

H gets us at 7am does chores, kids breakfast and takes then to school,

9 am he starts his work out then showers.

10:15 am we leave for the shop

10:30 am till 4pm we run the shop

4:30 pm till 6pm is manic hour where we do dinner, bathing kids and homework I take two kids on he takes the other two homework wise.

6:00 pm H goes to his job until 12 or 2 am depending on work demand.

On days off (3 days a week) we have a date night once a week and UA time of just over 15 hours per week between evenings and daytime during weekends.

When H goes to work I do my household chores and usually I am busy till 9pm then I literally crash.

I get up at 9 when H comes back from school run and before he works out, i get ready while he is working out.

We also run our own mini farm where we grow our own vegetables, as well as raise 4 kids and work full time. People refer to us a s superwoman and superman as we do so much.

Something has to give and it can't be our marriage or kids.

When does he sleep? ~1-3 until 7?

Is he sleep deprived?

Very sleep deprived, he sleeps from 12-2 am till 7am. When he was playing his game constantly he would sleep from 2-6 am so he can play it, or stay up later on weekends to play it.

He's naturally a morning person, I can't stand morning.

He has had this sleep patten for 5-6 years even when he worked with the OW at a different job he was working nights and only had 5-6 hours sleep.

He's the kind of guy who falls asleep standing up with a cup of coffee in his hand.

Forgot to add I have employed someone to run the shop so I can have 2 days off one Saturday and one midweek day in order to help with kids medical appointments etc (I have one DS white special medical needs and heart defects).

So I work 4 days a week and he works shifts 4 evenings a week.

Had the conversation with H, he agreed to post and told me that he does not want to talk to me about how he's feeling because it effects me,

I told him that I wanted to strictly follow POJA and PORH as they were what I believed in, he seams to understand this and opened up a bit about his feeling. Ill let him tell you about them.

Hope he posts soon.

Honestly if he does not then that s a broken EP and I will know he is no longer serious about recovery therefore I will be seeking separation, plan B and a Divorce. I haven't got it in me to fight for recovery anymore. Either we progress with recovery together or ill go at it alone.

Has L2G ever stated that it bothers him when you make comments about how nice looking another man is?
Do you do this?

It's a strange issue for me because for me it's about PORH, there are attractive people around, what should I do? Wear a blindfold in public or lie about finding anyone other than my DH attractive??

I work next door to a gym run by 3 male personal trainers all of which I do not find attractive however yesterday I had to go over to look for one of them because he missed a meeting he had set up with someone doing a project within our road, I looked in and saw one of the personal trainers training another man who looks just like Brad Pitt in the movie Troy (this is unusal as most of their clients are female) I blushed and did a double take then jokingly told my friend who was with me "now that's a fine specimens of manhood". We were laughing about that when we got back to the shop where my WH was, he asked me what was happening I and I told him the truth.

I know I will get hit with 2x4 about the comment in this incident but if that man had got up and even looked in my direction I would have run for the hills brad Pitt lookalike or not.

My DH spent years checking out women in secret while we were out, I always asked him to at least be honest about it but he still does it in secret although I know him well enough to know when it happens. How can any human stop themselves from looking at an attractive human??

Highly, highly inappropriate! You're a married woman, not a highschool girl.


Bounce your eyes, no double takes, and certainly no cute little comments!