Hello everybody. I am living the worst moments of my life and I need all the advice I can get. After 5 years of marriage, my wife told me the ''I love you as a friend'' line.

I must give some background info about us first. We met online, 8 years ago, and after 3 years of ''online'' friendship, she came to my country to meet me. (I am Romanian, my wife is Brazilian) We ended up getting married after 1 year together, as it was clear our future was being together. We were not only wife and husband but also best friends ever. We loved eachother so much that we could barely accept the fact that I had to work. Coming home was a blessing, a joy. My wife even visited me at work often, we couldn't stay away from eachother. We stayed 3 years in Romania, in a rented apartment.

But soon after that, the crisis struck hard, I lost my job and we decided to move to Brazil. She didn't want to move back to Brazil, but I didn't knew this back then. So, we left to Brazil, and there we stayed in her father's house. We had all the privacy we needed, and in my mind, there was no problem. I had plans to make an online business, so we can afford our own place in the future. My wife got a job at her mom's clinic, which is right across the street. I couldn't get a job yet, I needed to wait for the ''immigration agents'' to come for an interview, so my wife had to provide for both. About 3 months ago

I had to go back to Romania, for some family issues. I stayed there 2 months. I talked with my wife on Skype almost everyday in this period, and she told me she was very stressed due to work. She would often cry. When I returned to Brazil, she was very depressed, yet very happy I got back to her. But after 3 days, worried about her problems, I started to ask her questions. Very very hard, I managed to get a ''I think I no longer love you as a husband'' line from her. My world came to an end. I didn't knew what to do. I tried to get us to visit a marriage counselor but she is very stubborn and she didn't want to. Kept saying to me it's all over, we shouldn't try anything anymore and she only loves me a a friend. She didn't ask for a divorce, nor she said she wants to change her name.

I stayed one more week in there, talking to eachother (we didn't talked about our separation anymore, she wouldn't talk about it)and I had to leave. What I managed to get from her was that It started like one year ago, but she didn't say anything to me about it, about her change of feelings. Now I am in Romania, without the woman I love so much, in a country I hate with a passion, feeling bad, with my heart pounding everyday for her (it's almost a physical pain), totally lost, and I dire need of some advice.

I don't need advice for myself, I know what to do (professional help, go out with friends, make hobbies and keep myself busy and so on) but for me and her. What can I do to make her give me another chance? Now I can see some things that Is should have done to keep our relations fresh and exciting, but my wife keeps saying is just her and not me. I've read that couples get back inlove with eachother many times, they just need the chance to do it. How do I do it since she is in Brasil and I am here in Romania? What can I do? She is the love of my life and I can't live without her.

Every moment spent in here is a pain, I crave for her every moment, I cant sleep and I cant enjoy going out with friends (also, my friends are all ''sailors'' they are here just 2-3 months per year and that makes my situation even worse). No friends, no one to talk with. I feel I cannot live here. Should have I stayed there in Brazil, find some place with rent and wait for a change in my wife's feelings? I have different ideas in my head, like rent an apartment here and ask her for a second chance, or go there in Brazil, find a job (get the work visa) and try to make her change her mind, write her a letter, send her flowers... I already told her I want a second chance, and I am very determined about it. She didn't answer me yet. Our only communication is through Facebook, as she doesn't stay online too much. We change a few lines per week. So, I ask you gents for some advice. What can I do? Again, I'm not asking advice for me but for ME and my WIFE. I want another chance, to make her fall back inlove with me. I want back my wife and the my best friend. I feel that this is the most important moment of my life. Thank you in anticipation.

Andrei, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

What would happen if you asked your wife to move back to Romania with you? Would she come? Because I view that as the downfall in your marriage. Several things happened here, she moved to a country she doesn't like, took a job that makes her miserable, and I am very sorry to tell you this, but very likely met another man. And living apart will not sustain a marriage.

If you can get her out of that country and back where you were both happy, you can save your marriage. Romantic love is created and the lifestyle you have created is an obstacle.

Thank you for the advice. I will prepare some sort of a proposal for her to give our marriage one more try, here in Romania, but the thing I fear now is her stubbornness and her lack of ability to talk about feelings. I do not think she has found someone else but anyway, it would be a mistake just to ask her?

Don't ask her because you won't get the truth. She does have someone new and this is WHY she believes she has fallen out of love with you. The fact that she says she "doesn't love you like a husband anymore" means she has a new point of comparison. She has probably also told you she has been unhappy for years but just didn't tell you, right? That is a pretty classic reaction.

What I would do if I were you, is try and get her to fall in love with you again over Skype. It won't be easy since you have competition but this other deal is unlikely to last long. [they never do]

I would be talking to her about moving back to Romania and focusing all your attention on wooing her back.

I would send her a love letter. Tell her that you have decided to stay in Romania, BECAUSE YOU WERE SO MUCH HAPPIER THERE, and would love to have her join you. Paint a very beautiful and happy picture for her and remind her of all the happy times you had there. Ask her to join you.

I predict that she will tell you NO at first but as her affair crumbles, she will start turning to you. In the meantime, keep all of your interactions with her very pleasant. think back about what you said and did to woo her from Brazil in the first place. Do that again!

Indeed she told me that this ''falling out of love'' thing started like... one year ago or so. She does come from a troubled family (her parents used to fight, her mom had alcohol problems and used to beat her, but they are fine now thou', they divorced and they have peace) and she didn't had serious relation before me. That may count as well, be cause in a serious relation you must face a bunch of problems, and she didn't had those before she married me. Now I must see if she wants to properly communicate with me, because until now she didn't want to keep a steady communication line. Well, I need all the luck I can get.
I will write that letter as soon as I can, probably will take me a few days to get it right but it will be the letter of letters.

When you write the letter, keep it SHORT, SWEET and concise. If you want to get her attention, less is better. So don't go beyond 3-5 SHORT paragraphs. She is detached and she is not going to read a novel. Just ask her to come back to Romania and paint a lovely, beautiful picture of the romance you could have. Remind her of the romance you had in the past.

As soon as I have some news, I will post them in here =)

Good deal! You might want to also hit notify and have this moved to MB101 forum since you are married.

Probably the worst day of my life. I managed to talk with her on Facebook and she told me she made up her mind and she is sure her heart will soon follow on. She doesn't want to give me a second chance and she is decided to move on with her life. I think I never cried so much in my life, I was so close to faint.

Andrei,

So sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

This sounds very suspicious. What are her reasons for not wanting to continue the M? Is she rewriting history? Does she not agree you two were once very in love?

Almost 100% of the time when something like that happens here ... it is because there is someone else. There is an affair. I think you need to snoop.

I am not sure how to to that, since we are in different countries, with a huge distance between us. And she always has been a creature that trusts her mind, not her heart. Even if she still has some feelings for me, her mind will stop her from doing anything. I am afraid there is nothing I can do anymore, since she told me she won't communicate with me until I heal and get on with my life. Easy to say, hard to do when you love someone this much.

So she uses logic to make her decisions. Great. What are her logical reasons for ending the M?

I doubt I have the answer for that. I could never get too much from her. If I am trying to make her tell me the reasons she stopped loving me as a man, its always the same answer. ''Everything has been told, there is nothing to tell you more''. Well, what I could get from her until now can fit in three or four sentences.
-Not in-love with you as a man.
-I don't love you as in ''couple''.
-I love you as a friend.
-I waited too much, I thought it was just something that will pass and now its gone for good.

I have no idea what is left to do anymore.

Her feelings changed because your interactions with each other changed. She was madly in love with you when you were together doing the things that met her Emotional Needs.

Now you've been separated and her needs have gone unmet.

Nothing is gone for good. Saying so is nothing more than making a conscious effort to say I am throwing in the towel because I don't know how to get it back. Well this place, this program of Dr Harleys has the tools to get back what was lost. The only question is how do you go about getting yourself back to the point where you can meet her needs.

Today you aren�t together correct? Can you rectify that? Can you find a way to be together ?

Just as she has fallen out of love with you so too she can fall back in love with you. You were able to meet her needs before and she fell in love. You need to do some of the same things you did before. And maybe a little more this time � meaning implement this program and hopefully your W will do the same.

Did you send the letter? Post what you want to send here and have the vets help you tweak it to fit your purpose. The hope is that you can not only let her know how you feel but also let her know there is a way back to romantic love.

I didn't send the letter yet. After the talk we had today she threatened to break any communication with me if I continue to talk about a second chance or the separation in general. I am in Romania, she is in Brazil and I'm afraid she would just delete me from FB, messenger and change her phone number or so. And, she told me she is gonna take a big break from any social networks starting from today, to let me move on. I'm afraid to send her the letter, she may just break contact totally. I would just have the phone to talk with her but she may refuse to talk this way as well. Anything regarding second chance, US, lets try again and so may trigger a violent denial of contact from her part. She lives there in a personal paradise, she has a job, she has a huge garden with palm trees, her family is sheltering her, she has no problems and I think she doesn't want more of them in her life.

And, for sure, I felt like she is not even sure she wants to remain friends. Her mind is set, her heart will follow for sure, that's what she said today. Also, she treats this separation like its just a regular thing, like saying ''So what you loved this T-shirt, you will get another one''. I'm afraid its the Brazilian way of thinking and avoiding any conversation about problems and confrontation in general and bailing out at any obstacle. I will post the letter but take in consideration that she clearly doesn't want to give me another chance and the letter is ALL about her giving me the second chance. Also, the letter is finished in 95%.

So, here is the letter. I wanted to add some more lines but after today I just lost my inspiration.

''My darling YOU. My sweetheart. my Love.

I am writing you this letter as the man that loves you the most in this world. This man is strong, maybe not strong in body but strong in heart, in feelings. This man know what he wants. This man never knew better what he wants. This man would do anything for a second chance to your heart. This man would die for you if he needs to.

Remember how happy we were in here? How nice it was to wake up with you by my side. When you used to fall asleep with me caressing your hair and ears? How easy you would fall asleep We will walk in here together, we will see places you have never seen before in this country. Do you know how beautiful the Romanian mountains are? The lakes in here? Let me show them to you. We will do all that we haven't done before, I will have a job, there will be no pushing, no financial stress for you. It will be an adventure. Welcome to my adventure, if you would only agree.

I have the strength to do this for both, to make this step and give us one more chance to be happy, to live happy, like we used to. I have so much trust that our relation can be saved. We respect eachother, we feel great together, we don't fight, we don't insult eachother, we take care of eachother, we fit, we laugh, we have our things, our words.

If you respect me, If you care about me, you will give me this chance, and I will make it so WORTH that you can't possibly imagine. This chance of US together, give me this chance darling, to me, who I love you so much. You are the world to me, you are my everything, you are the best thing that happened in my life, you are the reason I walk this earth, the reason I was born. I see the sun in your eyes, I see the grass growing on your steps, I feel the smell of flowers in your hair. To me, your heartbeat is the sound of my own life.


To my everything, YOU.''

Andrei,

Thanks for posting the letter. I would not send that version. There are definitely some things that should be changed. Especially considering it appears she doesn't want to give you that 2nd chance. (Not giving you a 2nd chance is a big red (affair) flag. Just so you know).

I am not the best with letters. I have a tendency to try to educate my spouse which won't necessarily help your situation. I'll leave those changes to someone who can do a better job than I.

I started to realize that maybe this is over, I cannot make someone love me, or I cannot force her to give our marriage one more chance. The distance is too big, I am not there and she has a very difficult character and temper. I am trying to keep in contact with her at this moment, just that. Maybe I will have another chance in the future, but for now no chance. I plan to go to Brazil in the next year, for the World Cup.

Like MelodyLane said, make the letter short and sweet!

One of the biggest mistakes people make around here is writing big long letters to their spouse. And in the process, they say too much. You are less likely to say something that is a problem or turnoff or disrespectful or demanding if you keep it short and sweet!