Siofra, believe me, it is not for the greater good. It is a strategic approach for those who want to save their marriages. The purpose is to show the spouse that you would be willing to meet their needs IF they end the affair. We want the betrayed spouse to look better then the affair partner before you shut the door. Plan A is only supposed to last about 3 weeks for women, and then you would go into Plan B, a very dark separation. So when you go dark, the last memory of you is warm and pleasant. Then the OW has to meet all of his needs with you out of the picture. She has to compete with that memory of you.

I will be honest with you about Plan A, though. I could have never done it. You might not be able to do so and I respect that. In that case, I would get the evidence, expose the affair wide and far and then go into a pitch black Plan B.

Ok I think I get the picture. I think its beyond this here as he hasnt lived here for 9 weeks and is just coming over to see our daughter but it hasnt exactly ended between us either. He is going into therapy next week re issues he has with relationships, ours and in general, and other issues. I dont know if that is to please me, as I would be an advocate of this, or for himself. He still swears that nothing physical happened with anyone but hey cant believe him. He wants back into the home and relationship but thats not an option for me at the moment. Think I am in limbo here and thats what is driving me mad. I dont know what to do or what I want anymore. Swings between thinking there is hope and then anger at his behaviour and not being sure if I could trust him again.

I really do get the point of creating an image or environment to which a spouse would want to return and give up whatever they are in involved in. Its just a difficult ask. I do get that emotional needs not being met can result in all of this and responsibility is with both parties, I suppose for me though its the fact that he sucked all the love, support, care and attention here dry, gave very little in the way of affection, support, care etc himself and then heads off somewhere else when he has sucked my well dry, to find someone else to support his needs. Its a double whammy in my opinion.

I think the picture is complicated by extreme emotional immaturity and depression etc.

It sounds like a typical scenario. Everything you are dealing with. The whole deal.

His going to therapy will not help the marriage...... so don't think that it is going to.
His therapist will work on his feelings vs actions to save the marriage.

You are right to feel overwhelmed with the injustice of it all but following MB plans will, ultimately, be to make YOU a stronger, saner, more full individual. Even if the marriage goes down in flames in the end. It is for YOU.

Thanks guys.
Can ask what you mean by a typical scenario?

I hear you Siofra.

If you had a PLAN to recover your marriage in which your WH would be held accountable for his actions and would show him how to EARN back your trust and respect...would you be open to it?

If he got on board and was able to turn himself around and redeem himself and take the necessary actions to protect you from this happening again, would you be willing to attempt recovery of your marriage? I see that you have been married for 17 years.

If you spend time reading all the different threads you will see that all waywards follow the same script.

A typical scenario is, what we unfortunately see everyday from all the sad stories here.

Ah I see, thanks.
Pokerface it would take a lot of work and huge effort on his behalf and massive change for me to consider a future. Yes I dont want my marriage to end but have to get clear on why that is. Am I holding on to an ideal , the family unit, what I would have wanted for my daughter, what I had hoped for or dream versus the reality over the past number of years. Have to say that things have gone down hil since our child was born-no reflection on her- we were together a long time before she arrived.I had a very bad pregnancy, birth and PND. It was then that I found out or realised what he was not made of and rather than supporting me, actually added to the situation, despite all the support he got from me over the years. This was a shock to me and at same time my Dad passed away within a week of the birth and again no support. Doesnt seem to know how or able to read peoples emotions or feelings. I dont think I have forgiven him for that, and thats when my wall went up and has been doing so ever since. Self protection from his hurt.

So it difficult to see exactly what I got from the relationship ad why I am so upset about infidelity and still cling on to hope. I know I can do better than this but still cant resolve the dynamic between us. Perhaps its mother child dynamic and of course we dont give up on our kids. So long answer but no nearer to knowing what I want and why

That is exactly what I am talking about. But without a PLAN, it won't happen.

Ok I get you. So how do I go about fomulating a plan?

Have you been able to get the evidence yet?

We will walk you through the plan but we need you to get the goods FIRST. Once you get back home, we will guide you through measures to kill his affair. That will be a mixture of exposure and other Plan A activities. You will do that for about 3 weeks. If he does not end all contact FOR LIFE with this hoe, we will recommend that you go into a very dark separation. [Plan B]

During this Plan A time, we will tell you not to explode at him, but to present yourself as the better option. [you don't want to rant and rave even though he deserves it, because you only serve to make skanky look better by contrast. we don't want to give her any help!]

In order for you to come out of Plan B, he will have to meet all of your conditions: end his affair and commit to a program of recovery. If not, we recommend that you divorce him.

You really need to get the book Surviving an Affair and read it so this all makes sense to you. You can download it on amazon.com via kindle or kindle for PCs. In the meantime, please read these threads:

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

And then read the Exposure thread in my signature.

Well you were all right. He hadana ffair for a year and a half with the ex girlfriend, booking hotels while supposedly away on a business trips, going to her house when I was away with our daughter etc. It apparently ended at Christmas last and he said h was not particularly attracted to her as a person. She met him out with a group of friends, she texted him and then offered it to him and he accepted. They have has sex approx 15 times and he has put my health at risk. He admitted all this tonight and also emailed her to tell her that I know and emailed all his family and friends to tell them what he did.

Did he send a NC letter? Is he going to do the hard work that I required for recovery?

No he just sent these out himself, I didnt ask him to or know about it until later. It ws just a one line sayng he had an affair.

Is he still seeing OW?

Did you expose?

Siofra. Your WH needs to give you a HANDWRITTEN NC note to the OW in the following format:


It needs to be handwritten so the OW knows it is from your WH and not from you posing as your WH. You need to send it certified mail with restricted delivery requiring OW to sign for it. That is how you will know that she received it.

It is important to follow the format and to not allow WH to add any apologies or other closure crap.

It is important for you to get in touch with family and friends and ask for their support in helping to recover your marriage.

Waywards tend to minimize and rationalize the affair. You need to be sure that they know the truth. It is a dose of reaality for your WH when he has to face his family and his actions.

That is how you KILL the FANTASY of the affair...reality. Is he willing to take a poly to prove to you that he is now being honest?

Have you exposed POSOW to her friends and family?

Thanks guys, he has sent that letter to her and made it clear that he wants nothing to do with her ever again.

I dont have an address for her or know enough about her family etc to let her family know.

She has apparently moved from last address and all husband has is email address.

You can do a simple background check to get her contact info. Please don't believe your WS right now. Trust but verify.

Of course this is what WS says, do not believe him. The last thing he wants right now is for you to be able to reach her. (My WS gave me an alias for AP on the day of discovery and kept with that stupid alias for six months even though I found her name and sent her a text message within three weeks of discovery.) Lying is sooooo pervasive with WSs that it is much easier for them to lie than to tell the truth. WS=lie.