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Well, if he's not registered for that anger management class, I would certainly start making preparations for how to live on your own.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Dr. Harley told you guys to email him going forward if you have any trouble. Send him an email!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I will so that now, I don't know what else TO do.
FWW, 36
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Did you write Dr. Harley again?
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Many things, are beginning to come to "light" since our "D day", aside from BS having those pictures of girls on the computer - that I still haven't really gotten a straight answer other than "I don't even remember saving them, I don't know them etc", I found out recently that he has a profile on Match.com, when I confronted him initially he denied, denied, denied - then he went out and I got a text saying
"Yes, I did make a match profile months ago. The difference is I never used it I never $&?�% anyone else so please stop thinking you are anything special or have any special privileges"
I realize that I AM the WS, and I'm trying to fix our marriage but I haven't a clue how to take this???
FWW, 36
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He will delete that profile, right? If so, this can be a fairly minor issue, I think.
Will he delete it? Will he be transparent with you and let you verify he doesn't do anything like this in the future?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He is not being transparent with anything - unless caught (as he was tonight)he still has a "private" email account which I have no access to etc.
He has had a few AO lately, and his DJ's are getting worse, most recent tonight when he "demanded" we talk, that he needed to and I needed to listen, I told him, I would listen, but that I would not talk, he seems to think that if I don't want to talk, that I'm being uncaring, he's texted that I disgust him, that I don't deserve him, that he can get any girl he wants, and the list goes on. He thinks that I'm blaming him for my affair - I never have, I have always accepted responsibility for MY choice to engage in that behaviour.
As im not supposed to comment on his thread, what he has failed to mention, is I have our 8 year old daughter with me, I am at my parents, I don't hide my phone at all - in fact he took it away from me again and I don't even have it with me. I have not found a new doctor as of yet, however, I AM booked to see my old doctor on the 12th of July.
Last edited by mrs_cen; 06/30/13 10:09 PM.
FWW, 36
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Did you write Dr. Harley again?
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He is not being transparent with anything - unless caught (as he was tonight)he still has a "private" email account which I have no access to etc.
He has had a few AO lately, and his DJ's are getting worse, most recent tonight when he "demanded" we talk, that he needed to and I needed to listen, I told him, I would listen, but that I would not talk, he seems to think that if I don't want to talk, that I'm being uncaring, he's texted that I disgust him, that I don't deserve him, that he can get any girl he wants, and the list goes on. He thinks that I'm blaming him for my affair - I never have, I have always accepted responsibility for MY choice to engage in that behaviour. You guys need to quit debating this stuff.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He will delete that profile, right? If so, this can be a fairly minor issue, I think.
Will he delete it? Will he be transparent with you and let you verify he doesn't do anything like this in the future? You didn't thoroughly answer my questions - will he delete the Match profile? Did you ask him to delete it? When either of you finds things wrong like this, you need to focus on solving the problem and finding solutions. The solution in this case is obvious: no more match.com, and transparency going forward.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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mrs_cen, I have a question for you.
Is your husband enthusiastic about you having an iPhone?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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mrs_cen, I have a question for you.
Is your husband enthusiastic about you having an iPhone? That depends - when he wants me to have it, then yes he is, however, when he gets angry he takes it away from me or cuts the service off on it.
FWW, 36
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I would take that as a no and not have an iPhone. It sounds like he doesn't want you to have it but when he is not angry he capitulates and says it's okay with him for you to keep it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I just listened to your show and I must say I am hopeful for you two. Dr Harley gave you two some great advice to get things going. Take him up on his offer to keep in touch and help you through this process. I would take that as a no and not have an iPhone. It sounds like he doesn't want you to have it but when he is not angry he capitulates and says it's okay with him for you to keep it. From an EP perspective as a former wayward � you should no longer want a smart phone. Even if he thinks he may be OK with it � you shouldn�t want it. You should know it is just one more avenue where you could cross a boundary. Remove it from your list of available options. You�ll rest better knowing it�s gone. There is where POJA is going to help you two so much. Having the phone shouldn�t be an at random decision that one makes in the moment. Establish a policy, make a decision and stick to it. IPhone or not? At a time when you are both thinking clearly if you both agree �No. It�s not a good option� then get rid of it � sell it, trade it in, throw it away. Where it takes time getting the hang of POJA is learning to work together to brainstorm a solution. A lot of answers are things that are way out of the box for us. The answer to the problems many times are things you would normally not consider. It can be hard especially when things are rather raw, sort of volatile in the relationship � when you are still a bit stuck in old behaviors. Until things like AOs are under control and the impulses to do whatever you want to do are replaced with healthier thoughts accept that POJA and brainstorming are going to be more difficult than they will be once they are gone. Accept that you two are rookies at this and at first it will most likely feel like a frustrating process. Recognize your part. Be flexible in taking the necessary time and be determined to put in the effort to get it right. If you need to separate and come back to it later then do that and do it without being resentful. But keep at it. Keep working PORH and POJA. The great news for you two is that you have a plan that is going to help you remove those obstacles that keep you two from being successful at PORH and POJA. Keep your eye on the end goal where you two are totally immersed in caring and protecting each other and the marriage. To me it always sounded odd to use the word �team� when discussing my marriage � but that is what my wife and I are. We�re a team. We now have the best interest of the �team� in all of our intentions. We didn�t always before but after following this program we now do. And it is a very comforting feeling knowing I can be completely honest with her and it isn�t going to lead to all sorts of poor behaviors coming from either one of us.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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What are you doing signing up for a Twitter account?
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The idea of MB's is for you and your H to build and integrated lifestyle where there is no chance of either of you having a Secret Second Life.
A life in which there are No secrets at all in your M.
Some don't realize that "omission' is also lying. You know..leaving OUT important details of your life.
My FWW lied to my face many, many times...however most of her lying was by Omission where she just hid facts. Actually these were more damaging.
Also there is a distinction between Privacy and Secrecy. Privacy is going to the restroom with the door closed.
What you have done to your H is the worst possible thing you could ever do to someone you love. Dr Harley has counseled people who have experienced both A and losing a child and have said an A is more painful. Your husband should not trust you right now. It is up to YOU to prove to him you will always take his feelings into account with every decision you make and NEVER hurt him again.
Please, I implore you�if you intend to follow through on using MB�s and not hurting him again GO FOR IT..Honestly. IF in your heart you don�t think you can really do it�just tell him. Please. Only you know what is really in your heart of hearts. This is going to be a LONG journey. 2-5 years with many ups and downs.
Just be honest with yourself and with him. Isn�t it about time? Don�t you owe it to him and yourself to do the right thing here? What he is doing for YOU to even consider R is more gracious than you will ever know. Trust me. I am living it.
You should thank him every day for what he is doing. Start becoming an expert at meeting his needs and eliminate ALL LB�s.
You in it for the long-haul? Can you do this?
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What are you doing signing up for a Twitter account?
What are you doing setting up a new e-mail account?
What are you doing planning to establish a separate cell plan?
What are you doing......
Never mind! I KNOW what you're doing, ma'am. You haven't the GUTS to end the marriage that in your own warped mind has become inconvenient, and want to drive RNR into doing so.
Very, very sad....that you caused many well-meaning folks here to waste much time in the belief that you had a soul worth redeeming!
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What are you doing signing up for a Twitter account?
What are you doing setting up a new e-mail account?
What are you doing planning to establish a separate cell plan?
What are you doing......
Never mind! I KNOW what you're doing, ma'am. You haven't the GUTS to end the marriage that in your own warped mind has become inconvenient, and want to drive RNR into doing so.
Very, very sad....that you caused many well-meaning folks here to waste much time in the belief that you had a soul worth redeeming! I concur. I'm glad RNR sees this as well
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The idea of MB's is for you and your H to build and integrated lifestyle where there is no chance of either of you having a Secret Second Life.
A life in which there are No secrets at all in your M.
Some don't realize that "omission' is also lying. You know..leaving OUT important details of your life.
My FWW lied to my face many, many times...however most of her lying was by Omission where she just hid facts. Actually these were more damaging.
Also there is a distinction between Privacy and Secrecy. Privacy is going to the restroom with the door closed.
What you have done to your H is the worst possible thing you could ever do to someone you love. Dr Harley has counseled people who have experienced both A and losing a child and have said an A is more painful. Your husband should not trust you right now. It is up to YOU to prove to him you will always take his feelings into account with every decision you make and NEVER hurt him again.
Please, I implore you�if you intend to follow through on using MB�s and not hurting him again GO FOR IT..Honestly. IF in your heart you don�t think you can really do it�just tell him. Please. Only you know what is really in your heart of hearts. This is going to be a LONG journey. 2-5 years with many ups and downs.
Just be honest with yourself and with him. Isn�t it about time? Don�t you owe it to him and yourself to do the right thing here? What he is doing for YOU to even consider R is more gracious than you will ever know. Trust me. I am living it.
You should thank him every day for what he is doing. Start becoming an expert at meeting his needs and eliminate ALL LB�s.
You in it for the long-haul? Can you do this? Great post, 20Year!
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