mrs cen,

We still appear to be in the same circle where we were just a few weeks ago.

Your behavior, once again, is coming across as one entitled teenage girl. No one deserves the abuse of an AO........neither the wayward or the betrayed. Your role, based on YOUR postings leads myself to believe that your role is greater than just a "helpless female victim".

How about you FINALLY get off that crazy circle, take some humility, humble yourself and get to work on your marriage?

Both yourself and your betrayed deserve so much better......but someone has to step out of this crazy cycle and STAY out of the crazy cycle.

How about a marriage builders marriage?

The patience of many vets are wearing very thin. You better hurry up because your last chance a healthy and romantic marriage has just about left the train station.

Mrs_cen, remember: Action, not words.

On the contrary, this is the ONLY thing you have done in the past several weeks, is to post a temper tantrum on your thread when your husband posts.

Do you want some kind of award for that?


At this point, with your chosen behavior, you are a waste of our time.

Why not quit wasting time, and tell us how you are keeping your side of the street clean?

Ditto, HHH. Mrs. Cen, you are taking a huge gift and whining it aside, my friend.

Get serious and woman-up already. Get a grip, and take some control over your future. The excuses are irritating to strangers here trying to help you, so I can't imagine on a daily basis.

Mrs. Cen, you have tools right here. Use them.

Ditto!

Mrs. Cen,

I actually stopped reading your and your husbands threads weeks ago because they honestly wore me out. I just happened to see them again and decided to take a peak to see if there were any changes. It seems like everyone has grown tired of the endless cycle that you and your H have continued.

Instead of reading each others threads you need to read up on FWWs who have humbly worked the program to make their marriages better and affair proof.

You need to read (or reread) all of Dr. H's books and start taking action. To me it seems like you both are using this site to shovel dirt on each other, not clean up your sides of the street.

Here's a good clip for you and your BH.
Radio Clip

Do you know the real definition of empathy?

Can someone please explain to me what "Just Compensation" is and what some examples of such are?
I have read the definition but I'm not sure what my BS is looking for when he says he wants JC

Just Compensation is:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.

And, Mrs Cen, this means that the marriage is Romantic and loving for you, too! Not just your husband!

1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

If the first two have been completed, and we are supposed to be working on the third but BS has said "Just Compensation NOW or we are finished" what else should I be doing?

Mrs. Cen, let me make an assumption (as a BH) that your BH wants you to show some empathy and help him heal.

He wants to know that you will never hurt him again.

Your 'R' is off to a rocky start. We have seen little signs that you recognize what HE is going through and making massive effort to meet his needs AND create a sense of SAFETY for him.

Right now he feels extraordinarily vulnerable to your attacks on him. His entire perception system of how he sees the world has been rocked.

How about asking him daily (and MEANING it) 'What can I do for you today?" How about showing some humility?

How about being proactive in your R to show him you are serious? How about pulling out LB's or SAA books on your own and asking him if you can read a chapter together?

The most important attribute I think you can show him is Patience...

How about making your best effort to FALL IN LOVE with him again??

Feelings follow actions, Mrs. Cen.

Remember, Mrs. Cen, even if you have completed 1 and 2 (have you really?) those realities to him are super fresh. It takes YEARS to recover from an A.


If 1 and 2 were just done in the last few days, it is going to take time for him to believe that you are going to follow through on these and not slide.

It takes months if not years to master POJA, PORH, and becoming an expert at meeting EN's.

If you have completed the first 2, and are working on the 3rd, then you are giving him Just Compensation now.

What are you doing to work on the 3rd?
How much UA are you getting?
How many dates do the 2 of you go on? Doing what?
What EN are you meeting?
How is POJA and PORH going?
Have you eliminated your lovebusters? If no, what are you doing to eliminate them?

Working with your BS to brainstorm ideas for mutually enjoyable UA time - and it needs to be 20+ hours a week.

And then, you need to follow through on that UA time.

You should also be respectfully communicating your Emotional Needs, and letting him know about his Love Busters.

What are you doing to work on the 3rd? - We are now reading LB together, and working most on how to handle our emotions, especially when we are upset. Making sure with each and every decision there is to be made - we are doing it as a couple and with POJA.

How much UA are you getting? - ?

How many dates do the 2 of you go on? Doing what? We try for a few a week, sometimes it's early morning - to walk the dog and get coffee, sometimes to the mall, antique markets

What EN are you meeting? Both our EN's are quite similar, our top five are the same ~ just in a slightly different order; Conversation, Recteational Companionship, Financial support, sexual fufillment and honesty and openness.

How is POJA and PORH going? We are doing well with it,

Have you eliminated your lovebusters? If no, what are you doing to eliminate them? See you first question

[/quote]

I see what your saying, I don't have any "timeline" on how long it will take him to "recover".

I have also emailed Dr. Harley again ~ just waiting on response, another thing that was suggested in BS's thread was doing one of the online courses.

What do you do when one of you is not enthusiastic about something?

This is a big problem. Marriage Builders will not work without UA, and it is vital that you get enough hours of UA. As HHH said above, you two need a minimum of 20 hours a week together. You need to start scheduling your time together and tracking your time together to insure you are getting the time in.

Do you both enjoy these activities? Your dates need to concentrate on the 4 intimate Emotional Needs: Intimate Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Affection and Sexual Fulfillment. Are the two of you concentrating on these, and are they enjoyable?

I have seen some problems between you two with PORH. Both of you tend to react very negatively when the other is honest. Is that improving?

You both also tend to have Independant Behavior, especially when you are upset, instead of following POJA. Is that improving?