Lovebusters will definitely punch holes in that bucket you are trying to fill. I'm glad that you have something to work with now. Eliminating those and making it safe for FC to be honest with you when LB's occur will make a world of difference

Love Busters is a big book - for a very big problem.

It's thicker than all the other MB books we have, and the problem was definitely harder to solve than the others, for us.

There's a systematic approach for conversation, too, and it centers around the four friends and four enemies of good conversation. Learn them, practice, exchange worksheets indicating which friends you are including (so you can see which are lacking) and which enemies you are including (so you can see what to get rid of)!

Dr. Harley has also suggested an exercise with a chess clock to make sure that the time spent in conversation is balanced between the two of you.

FTF,

Remember that just as your WWs having an affair does not justify your having an affair, your Love Busting behavior is not justified by your WWs affair. I treat my WWs affair as a separate account from my day to day dealings with her, and one that WILL be balanced sometime I hope soon.

Your WW owes you many things because of her affair, perhaps some are still missing, but depleting her love bank without consequence is not one of them.

God Bless
Gamma

I'd love to see this answered:


And I'd love to know what exactly this means:

She probably can't answer it. When Prisca was feeling that way about me, she had no idea why she didn't feel like having sex with me. She only knew that she hated it. I would ask her what I needed to change, and she would either tell me she did not know, or respond disrespectfully indicating that she was troubled I was asking.

The problem was she was not in love with me, and the solution was to get her to fall in love with me. I had to hang on long enough to deposit enough love units. I had to not love bust, because every time I did that (and I did frequently), it undid a good chunk of my hard work making deposits.

If you keep working on the undivided attention time and the identified problems (conversation and disrespect) and solve these problems, she will fall in love with you.

I encourage you to reach out to Dr. Harley about this. Why not go on the show, tell him where you guys have been and how long you have been at this, let him know you are still frustrated him, and ask him what your chances are for turning this around?

She needs to feel bonded to you.

Agree!

She needs to feel bonded to you.

...or...

She needs to say something nebulous enough to almost sound like she's participating.

..which would be the unanimous response if a WH tried spreading that type of....content!

I note with concern that my suggestion that FC put everything she's got into being for one month the lover that FTF might deserve met with NO support from the assemblage!

So, "Feelings follow actions" is gender-specific?

Done. I just emailed Joyce.

DJ away NG! You can say what I cannot say. Nor should I even think it.

No, you should not say it, nor even think it. You are right that it is a DJ, and it will severely hinder your recovery. You need to be eliminating such disrespect, since such lovebusters are part of the reason your wife does not enjoy having sex with you.

Dr. Harley is the one who says a woman needs to feel bonded to her husband before enjoying sex. There is nothing about your wife that suggests she is any different than the typical woman.

I don't say it.

Good
Don't allow yourself to think it, either. Eliminate it.

I don't say it.

Never fear, my friend! I will be here, applying logic and cool rational analysis to ALL situations, when the BS must go on wearing the "No Expectations" blinders!

We can be the hammers that you cannot, when dealing with an obvious deceitful, self-centered, cake-eating, uncommitted WW. (Well, a certain subset of the "we", anyway!)

As I queried in the remainder of my note, fellow peer-counselors, where was the usual support when offering an action for the WW to experience "Feelings follow actions," and demonstate its corollary, "Actions trump words"?

(FTF, if my barbed, acerbic comments interfere with your concentration on the task before you, say the word, and I'll immediately cease here and concentrate over in WW's fantasy-land!)

NeverGuessed:

Where did you ever get the idea that Marriage Builders concepts would encourage a woman to fake enjoying sex? What happened to The Policy of Radical Honesty -- never leaving a false impression. The reason that your suggestions about the way to solve a woman's reluctance to have sex have been soundly rejected on the forum is that it doesn't conform to Marriage Builders concepts. Their concerns about your suggestions are certainly not "BS." From what I've seen here, they're all on target. If I'm missing something, let me know. Write me at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Their concerns about your suggestions are certainly not "BS."

"BS" in my usage was "Betrayed Spouse", not "male bovine excrement".

Thank you for your clarification. But don't you agree that faking anything in marriage is a mistake?

Just got off the phone with Joyce. We will be on the show again this coming Tuesday, July 16th.

How is the UA time coming?