NB,

It would be the same advice that Dr. Harley gives to stop gawking, just like Prisca gave you.

If you know it hurts your DH then why do it? Protection of Care?

I am not doing it to hurt him, it's just my warped humour, I point out girls too not that I am in the least bit interested in women nor have I ever even had one twinge of doubt about by straight status.

I am a married woman but I am also human and as Dr H says we are all capable of having affairs, it's knowing that and having boundaries in place that stops us. I have boundaries and have not had any incidents of any inappropriate contact with anyone for over 5 years.

I am getting frustrated right now because although I understand why people are angry at me for doing a double take and making remarks it still does not deter from the fact that my H has insecurities that he has always had and they get projected onto me most of the time unfairly. I tell him and show him how much I like him the way he is but my opinion of him counts for NOTHING yet strangers opinion is the law in out marriage.

NB,

I'm not angry at you at all.

I'm trying to help to get to the bottom of this. You already know you can't control your DH. You can only control you.

If he is doing hurtful things that you don't like he must stop it also.

Did he tell you that it bothered him when you made the comment?

Actually come to think of it here is how H behaved and my response,

As part of a promotion at work H was given the opportunity to do a management training course, he was hand picked along with 5 other colleagues from all over the country for this, one of his close friends was also chosen along with 2 other females and 2 other males.

Long story short on one of the days he was on training he was sitting with this close friend when one of the women from the group walked past the two guys (my H and friend) discussed how attractive they found her and my H stated that he would "do" her if he could. I found out about this and was not too impressed but reiterated boundaries and we moved on.

Well fast forward and this woman is now my H boss at work, he does not see her as he is part of a dispersed workforce and he is in the road, he claims he no longer finds her attractive etc.

Do you see me self deprecating and getting all depressed and blaming my self esteem issue on him for making one stupid comment with a friend?? No I don't my issues are mine and his are his, I worked hard at mine and I am happy in my own skin for the first time in my life. I spoke with him about the comment he made and we sorted it out where as he never mentioned a thing and now is sides wiping me with it on MB.

I'm sorry BrainHurts I was just sucker punched with this complaint that although very valid, wasn't made at the time and only just appears on MB.

I guess I am frustrated because I need radical honesty and communication, every time I ask H if I could do anything better or stop doing something that upsets him he never raises any issues and claims I am doing things well, so this has thrown me.

Hmmmm.

This was what I was concerned with, that he may be turning tables?

I hope some of the MB posters read his response and give their perspectives.

Did you hear back from Joyce?

No response at all from the Harley's

I have notified the Harleys....

It's inappropriate for a married person to make such remarks.
It's not so much an issue of honesty as of manners.

How do you respond to him when he is RH?

I didn't make that comment to the man directly I was with a friend and it was made in a humorous way. I do see it was inappropriate and I will not repeat this mistake again.

BrainHurts,

I reward RH with H, we even have a little game we play called confession time where he can tell me anything and I won't get mad, like a safe time to be honest and we both use it. Normally it brings up little incidents of a broken item around the house or something minor like missed appointments/chore etc.

When I catch H in a lie I withdraw from him and can t go anywhere near him for days, when he is RH I tend to be more affectionate as its a lovebank deposit.

I have not spoken to him about the comment nor mentioned my frustration about him not revealing it to me. I downloaded on here which got rid of the frustration and has not been projected onto him.

Will bring it up later on today just so I can apologise for the comment and behaviour then ask for RH regarding the matter. Does that sound like the right step?

NB28,

Did you receive your reply from Joyce?

Check your email!

JustUss,

Yes received thank you, and listening to the show now.

NB,

Are they answering your email on today's show?

BrainHurts,

they answered it on today's show towards the end. Advised H to get on antidepressants . Didn't suggest anything for me personally to do. It was focused towards husbands depressions.

So what do you think about that?

I don't know what to think, I trust the opinion of the Harleys and will of course act on their advice.

With regards to him being depressed I am hoping it it as simple as that, encourage him to take a pill and hey presto, I get a happier H.

I have my doubts due to the fact that he has been like this for the whole time I have known him, could he have been depressed for 15 years??

Also he sees AD's as something that give him bad stigma and make him less of a man but there's hope that when the AD's kick in he won't care.

Lastly he has had several councellors and even had hypnotherapy to help with his confidence. Nothing worked so I am a bit reserved regarding the success of this.

I personally feel that if he got involved in activities that give him pride and satisfaction he will feel better.

I was picked on at school called ugly/fat and many other derogatory names, shunned by my family for being a child resulting from an affair and rejected by both my parents from early childhood, I moved countries, schools and areas regularly stopping me from making any lasting bonds. I had nothing and no one to make me feel better about myself. As stated before my kids are my motivation to grow up and respect myself more by taking care of myself.

H had a good close network of friends and has adoring parents, he still lives in the town he has grown up in, no one ever called him fat or ugly and everyone loves him but he has this issue. I just don't get it.

Do you feel like they gave you some direction on your question? If not, maybe email them back?

brainHurts,

I did email back straight away. I am a control freak by nature although working hard at being less so. The advice the Harley's gave makes me feel firmly out of control of the situation. I can talk to H about it but that's it, the rest is up to him. Do I go to plan B if he refuses AD's?? How extreme do things have to be?

We are in the UK, the health system isn't great right now and I am not sure how easy it will be to get the GP to agree to give H AD's. Plus H work contract is up for renewal, the company does check medical records, will they rehire him if he is on AD's? That's another battle I am just not enthusiastic about right now.

I feel I have spent my marriage helping H out and sorting out messes he created while not being permitted the happiness of little triumphs like the weight loss.

Um, yes.

If he suffers from clinical depression, and he has never sought treatment... he would be depressed for 15 years.

Raising the bar may introduce you to a whole new man.