I agree, find another, unmarried woman to go for coffee with
and
be cordial to your daughter's friend's mom
but tell her you don't hang out alone with, nor discuss your personal life with married women, and even though she hasn't seen her husband for half a decade, she is still married.

Matter of fact but not disrespectful. Just a fact about you.

LOL! Walkin, I just re-read my response to your post, and I think I misunderstood you. If you meant that Jedi was to tell her that, your advice is accurate.

Yes marital...I meant out of respect for her marriage

On Saturday we went to a local 5K.
My DD8 walked it (2nd 5k for her); my other two kids helped the race director hand out medals at the finish line and I came in third place!

Jedi.

JK,

That was the best $10 investment you ever made in your life, when the potential GF didn't pay you back.

God Bless
Gamma

I wanted to let everyone know that I immediately placed high boundaries around this woman we have discussed.
But I did leave the door open for child activities, and (I help with the church van) did pick up her daughter for vacation bible school a couple weeks ago.

Recently this woman asked what we were doing and I said I was taking the family hiking.

Look at this text:

Woman: would it be alright if we came hiking with you? We have our own tent. Do we just go out there? Does it cost anything?

Sorry you probably want this to be a special family time.

Me: as a general rule I do not go camping with married women. However we can still schedule a play date next month when your daughter returns from camp.

Woman: omg Jedi you are so funny. You are very interesting but I'm not interested in you in that way. I just enjoy the conversation and was hoping to go camping with a friend. I thought camping was about bugs, nature and family

So I guess I have to be divorced in order to go camping with a friend/expert camper? that will take a minute. I guess i might see you next month


------

Now, that is a definite wayward text isn't it?

Yes, pretty close to it. She's uncomfortable by you reminding her she's married and the thought that her going camping with other men might be inappropriate, so she immediately tries to get away from the discomfort with humor.

You probably made a good love bank withdrawal there.

Notice that she completely misses the point: you don't go camping with married women, whether they are "interested in you that way" or not.

And many people miss this. It's okay to go to coffee with someone of the opposite sex as long as they are not "interested in you that way."

You didn't say anything about her being interested or not. You simply made a statement of your own boundaries. And she was pretty disrespectful to you in response, I might add.

Yea I noticed that too.
Conversation leads to emotional needs being met, and the romantic love threshold.

I won't meet those needs.
I'll keep my boundaries high around her.

Good job Jedi for keeping high boundaries.

I wonder if her Husband knows she is asking to go camping with Other men?

Do you know her husband?

No I do not.
When she "mentioned" to me that she was once married (but never divorced) she said that he is the father of her child but hasn't seen her for several years

I think she is hiding from him and she came from out of state.


Not going to try to investigate her or her husband.

Good for you!

I am less than 24 hrs into Plan B, 14 months after initial D-Day and at least 8 months of doing Plan A (although it could EASILY be argued that I spent all 14 months in Plan A), and I have to question Dr. H's assessment that keeping a marriage, even a bad marriage is better for the children. This is always what I thought before the past 14 months and I tried desperately to keep the marriage together for the children, for religious reasons and because I sincerely believe that if both people actually try to fall back in love they usually can (provided all A's are over and any AP is no longer in the picture). However, the amount of work, effort and focus that WS required and I therefore spent on him trying to save the marriage was enormous. Additionally, when WS and I were together, he was always neglectful (once or twice in a physically harmful way) of the children. He is so different when he is alone with the children than when we were all together. He gives them more attention when it is just them vs. when he and I were both present. Whenever he and I were both present, he wanted everything to be about the two of us and would constantly tell the children not "to bother us." They are 9 and 7 and would approach us if we were sitting together talking not more than once every 20+ minutes.
So, respectfully, I may have to change my tune and disagree with Dr. H as sometimes even w/o any type of abuse being present, children are not better when their parents stay together if the parents being together causes more neglect for the children.
Now, when WS and soon to be exS will be in a new relationship or return to his AP, the situation for the children whenever they will be with him will be grim. After all, my WS said about the affair, "one the sex started nothing else mattered, not you, not the children."

One question about Dr. H's comments, did he suggest that a couple stay together for the children even if the WS is not willing to complete the steps of R? In other words, what is Plan B for if we are not supposed to enforce the boundaries we establish in order to have a strong, supportive, caring and safe marriage? Or am I missing something?

(edited: Oops, sorry. I was reading through the thread and found a post I wanted to reply to and did not notice how old it might have been. I see the last several posts are on a completely different topic. My apologies.)

No, he says no such thing -- he does not recommend staying together if the WS does not want to R. It would be too much abuse on the BS and that is the last thing he would want.

I've decided to start dating.
I think I should build a profile of my potential date.
After speaking with Dr Harley on the Radio Show conflict is inevitable with children in remarriage.

So for dating should I focus on childless women?

What about age? I'm 35. What's the minimum age I should date? 25?

Online dating? Match or eharmony? Or are they a waste?

I've read the Art of Manliness and will follow those guidelines for dating also.

Childless women might be a good idea - boy I wish you'd asked that one yesterday. I don't know that I'd rule out women with children, but I don't know for sure how to advise you.

I'm very much in favor of online dating; it's how I met Prisca. In addition to whatever dating sites you use, get on Facebook and make lots of friends and microblog your life. Live life out in the open and have lots of conversations. Lots of relationships start this way. On the singles' site Prisca and I were on there was a chat board and message forum and I think that is really where most people connected.

Church singles groups may also be a good idea. Knowing that you are religious, I suggest visiting lots of churches in the area, especially when they have special events. Some people still use these to connect. You get better quality dates when you pick up a woman at a revival than, say, a bar.

I like Art of Manliness. (Most of it, anyway!)

"After speaking with Dr Harley on the Radio Show conflict is inevitable with children in remarriage. "

Conflict is inevitable, period! But issues with children are very hard to resolve, because people tend to be less likely to resolve them the right way.

There was a good call about this on a Friday a couple of weeks back, but I don't think it's in the archives yet.

You will find a bigger potential pool if you are open to women with or without children. I would not put that as a factor in your profile.

Age wise.....21 to 41 would also open the pool (older is fine too if you are game).

Why don't you consider either Match or eHarmony to start and you can always try the other (say a prayer and pick from a hat).

Good wishes to you.

I asked my kids how they would feel about me dating and the older ones were happily excited.
The youngest responded by asking If I could date ex ww.