Hi everyone. I hope you are all well.

I am a newly BS(? - maybe I should use BP for betrayed partner, or BSO for betrayed significant other).

I just want to know, will you all consider my situation and offer me advice?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Omni. (Updating my sig now of my circumstances)

Yes...but you may not like it.

MB is a program for marital restoration. You aren't married. If you want to use this system to win back the affections of your significant other...it probably won't work.

I'm sorry you found out your partner was cheating on you. It's not a nice thing for him or her to have done but it's not adultery. That being said, it's my position (not everyone here's position) that since you guys aren't married he/she has every right to date whomever they want. The dating world is a brutal place.

There is much you can learn here about relationships and potentially marriage if you are open to learning and growing. The fact you dated this person for 8 years and never married them, but yet expected their fidelity, communicates to us you've got some things to learn about relationships and commitments. The perfect Dr. Harley book for you to read would be "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". You can pick it up cheap (even used) on Amazon. It will explain where you've gone wrong as an apparent "freeloader" the last 8 years such that MAYBE you gain a perspective which will enable you to see your relationship differently and then perhaps, save it OR move on to another better relationship in your future.

Regardless...YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

Plan A has both a carrot and stick approach to it...

absent marriage...the "stick" is completely inappropriate.

absent marriage...MB exposure is completely inappropriate.


Exposing adultery has great effect because it exposes both a private AND a public wrong. An attack (adultery) in one marriage is an attack on all, so to speak, and SOME in the community care enough to hold adulterers culpable for their actions. Further, the adulterers KNOW they've behaved sinfully and don't really want others to know about their taboo misdeeds. Whereas, "Cheating" is certainly not nice...but besides the person who was cheated on...nobody truly cares that much. It's just a break up to them, not a divorce with all it's resulting societal and religious stickiness.


Your better plan may be to big the bigger person and be happy for her. Then swiftly Plan B her as non-marriage material (she's a cheater, apparently) so she's failed the test of being with you. You thank her for the last 8 years and try not to view her going out with someone else as this bad thing and/or huge character flaw. You then go dark on her....such that MAYBE she'll miss you and want you back (especially in a few weeks when the newness and wickedness of this other person wears off). Going dark helps you too. You'll be able to detach and withdraw emotionally much quicker and move on with your life. I just think "Plan A'ing" her for more than 1 day (stating what you've done wrong in the relationship and your willingness to do better if given the chance) would be just prolonging YOUR misery and counterproductive to your goals (you'll appear needy and wimpy).

Plan B...Dating Sucks...Get over it...It's all good approach.

Mr. W

Number one boundary in dating...


I want to be with someone that wants to be with me.


She doesn't want to be with you...so she fails rule number one...thus YOU don't want or need to be with her.

Thank you for your replies MrWondering.

It'll give me a few things to think about.

Many blessings to you all.

It's the weekend and it's summer so things are going to be slow. You may get more responses on Monday.


Thought I'd direct you to a thread about the book, Buyer's, Renter's and Freeloaders". Maybe it will resonate with you.


Link to BaRF

Thanks. Already bought it!

I have to add, we put marriage aside as we saved up for a deposit for our house. We wanted to be living with each other in our own place before getting married.

So we have been co-habiting for near 4 years now and been in our house for a year.

It sucks because we were looking at marriage in 2014/2015 when I change career (to teaching) .

I'll check out the book when I receive it.

Thanks again.

Welcome to MB.

Please read.
Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or a Curse?

Thanks BrainHurts.

When I initially read the article I didn't agree with some of it so I read the research paper summarising cohabiting and marriage. From what I read, this topic area isn't thoroughly researched. It's at the point of circumstantial evidence (or correlations) with hypotheses, which do sound like it fits well.

I'll read the book and post back my progress in a week or so.

Thank you everyone for your time and consideration.

Omni

We call dating an interview for marriage. Don't you think she failed the interview?

How many others did you date before her?

Omni,
How can you expect her to act married when shes not?

Would you say this was because this was you were 'testing' the relationship first?

If so then she's failed the test!