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Study up on plan B. It is a plan to help you recover from this betrayal. It requires separation and no contact.
I find it strange that the kids are swayed by your husband? All I can think is that the stress of being in a chronically unhappy marriage has made you seem 'crazy' to your children. It sounds like they don't find you and your laments credible.
This also suggests to me that your husband is skilled at gaslighting (look it up) which indeed over time will drive you crazy!
Take action to cut him out of your life until he shows remorse and willingness to work on this. Prepare for the possibility that he might not. You have a lot of life left. You get to decide how you want to live it but it's going to require you to act and to make protecting yourself your TOP priority.
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Staying in this and suffering isn't going to win you any prizes. Sometimes the resentment is too great to be overcome and divorce is the best solution.
One way your husband can show just compensation is to sit down with the kids and apologize to them and you for making them believe that you were the crazy one for being so unhappy.
Being mean to him and the tit for tat isn't going to get you anywhere. I get the feeling in your case, you might be better off just cutting loose from this. Too much rage and seemingly no way to work through it.
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CrazyAunt,
About the MIL, do you know who she was cheating with? Expose her butt to high heaven, let her hate you even more, shine a light on her.
God Bless
Gamma CA, I am very sorry for what has brought you hear and I empathize with your overall situation. Other than the cheating, I would think we have the same MIL and I am certain that our husbands are blood relations. Best of luck and you will find that the vets on this forum have extremely knowledgeable advice. Head it if you want to try to salvage your marriage. If it is not salvageable, you will know before long.
D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012
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Apparently, my MIL cheated on her husband through the entire marriage with multiple partners. My brother-in-law thinks that's the reason he and all of his siblings are cheaters.
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BetrayedP:
In February, when we were working the principles of the books, we made a conscious effort to meet each others needs. He got caught up in "work mode" in March and we both slipped into our familiar behavior and we haven't tried to get it back. He keeps saying that I'm not meeting HIS needs, but he hasn't even attempted to meet mine. I'm the only one working on the marriage. It can't survive without 2 people working on it.
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My WH was also the "Disneyland Dad". He travelled a lot and was "the good guy" when he was home. He also made sure that the kids "heard" that he had NEVER cheated on Mom, which made Mom look like a raving lunatic, because I knew but could not prove that he was cheating on me. WHAT I KNOW AND WHAT I CAN PROVE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!
"Gamma": You are right!!, He is a narcissist and a misogynist. I didn't know this until just now. I'm leaning toward, "I Should Go.", but I love him and have invested 3 decades of my life. I also hate him for what he has done to me and turned me into. What values does he have that you love so much?
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I suggest you contact the Marriage Builders coaching center for advice on how to proceed.
Would your husband he willing to speak with Steve Harley?
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I have suggested phone counseling with the Harley's and his response was, "You go ahead, I don't want to." I think he's afraid of being called out on his behavior since he read the books, believes in the principles, but cannot (or will not) follow them.
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="Gamma": You are right!!, He is a narcissist and a misogynist. ... but I have invested 3 decades of my life. I also hate him for what he has done to me and turned me into. Is this what you want for the next 3 decades of your life?
Last edited by FooledMeTwice; 07/10/13 08:46 AM.
D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012
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Good question, Jedi_Knight. I've been wondering the same thing, lately. My #1 emotional need is: Honesty and Openness. He cannot meet this emotional need, for me. He started our relationship with a lie, he lied about the EA for 25 years, he keeps secrets (and therefore a "secret second life" that he doesn't want me to know about) and all he can say when we talk about the marriage is: "You're not meeting my needs!" It's a two-way street and takes 2 people to be in a relationship.
I don't have 3 more decades to spend this unhappy.
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Good question, Jedi_Knight. I've been wondering the same thing, lately. My #1 emotional need is: Honesty and Openness. He cannot meet this emotional need, for me. He started our relationship with a lie, he lied about the EA for 25 years, he keeps secrets (and therefore a "secret second life" that he doesn't want me to know about) and all he can say when we talk about the marriage is: "You're not meeting my needs!" It's a two-way street and takes 2 people to be in a relationship.
I don't have 3 more decades to spend this unhappy. Are you calling the coaching center?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I just signed up for coaching, alone. My WH will be out of town for a couple days next week. I'd like to give them the background w/o his interruptions.
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I don't have 3 more decades to spend this unhappy. No, you should not be this unhappy for three more decades. Keep posting and listen to the advise of the vets and coaching center.
D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012
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I just signed up for coaching, alone. My WH will be out of town for a couple days next week. I'd like to give them the background w/o his interruptions. I think this is a step in the right direction. Even if your WH shows stubborness in getting on board. Dr. Harley has stated on his radio show (which you can download to your smartphone for free and listen to daily) it takes two to fix a marriage but only takes one spouse to get the ball rolling.
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I just signed up for coaching, alone. My WH will be out of town for a couple days next week. I'd like to give them the background w/o his interruptions. Did you ever get into your doctor for some ADs? Are you considering Plan B? I'm glad you called to MB coaching center.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I had a wonderful, 1 hour phone coaching session yesterday. We are trying to get my WH to join in the coaching (as recovery cannot occur unless both parties "do the work"). I was told that it is NOT a DIY process and we both need to be involved. I agree. I invited my WH to join in the coaching and while I had him on the phone, he agreed. I saw this as progress toward recovery. Less than four hours later, he sent me an e-mail recanting his agreement to seek coaching.
I think there's another affair. The way he has been behaving the last couple of weeks, and his reluctance to work on the marriage are sending up some 'red flags' for me. This may explain the reluctance. I am going to continue with the coaching, but, as I stated earlier, 1 person working does not a relationship make.
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I had a wonderful, 1 hour phone coaching session yesterday. We are trying to get my WH to join in the coaching (as recovery cannot occur unless both parties "do the work"). I was told that it is NOT a DIY process and we both need to be involved. I agree. I invited my WH to join in the coaching and while I had him on the phone, he agreed. I saw this as progress toward recovery. Less than four hours later, he sent me an e-mail recanting his agreement to seek coaching.
I think there's another affair. The way he has been behaving the last couple of weeks, and his reluctance to work on the marriage are sending up some 'red flags' for me. This may explain the reluctance. I am going to continue with the coaching, but, as I stated earlier, 1 person working does not a relationship make. So will you be going into Plan B?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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BrainHurts:
The coaching center and I have a plan of action which I am comfortable with (no matter which way the "recovery" takes.)
To answer your previous question about AD's: I have a debilitating, chronic, autoimmune disease, and I am not comfortable taking "pharmaceutical" drugs that could possibly mask the systems to which I must be acutely in-tuned, for my own safety. I didn't want to reveal this information (because I despise being viewed as 'handicapped') I have had this disorder for over 14 years (A lot less than the amount of time since the EA). I'm not looking for sympathy (if I were, I would have disclosed this, sooner). I'm just trying to explain why: I don't do pharmaceuticals!
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Are you coaching with Steve or Dr. Jennifer Chalmers?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Steve.
I have had this 'disease' for almost 15 years, and I know my body. The problem is: I haven't been under this much stress, before, and one day can make a "world" of difference. I can go from, managing just fine, to being confined to a wheelchair not being able to feed myself, or blind and all of the above, in a heart beat. I need to 'keep my finger on the pulse' of what my body is telling me.
Last edited by CrazyAunt; 07/13/13 01:15 PM.
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