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Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict. Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark Tell us what you think.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Did you see GO's post about changing all your contact information?
What about quitting your job?
Have you written out a timeline for your BW? My wife has asked that I not quit without something else as that may have additional financial impact. I have reached out to a close colleague and mentor, where I also confessed to him and asked that he be a part of any/all meetings that could include OW. He has full access to my calendar and it will be in my letter. I am working on a timeline, but a lot of this is on her terms right now. The real estate agent comes Wed.
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The first step towards marital recovery is ending all contact with the affair partner for life.
You write that your wife doesn't want you to stop seeing the OW which can only enable the affair.
Do you want to save your marriage?
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In addition to GO's excellent advice here is the NC letter. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship. Sincerely, XXXXX Thank you for the good advice... Any and all other suggestions welcome. I will work on this now. If you are unwilling to end contact with the OW you should have the decency to divorce your wife and move out of the marital home. Your conduct is terrible. Your wife was pregnant and you were texting OW from the hospital and now you write that you are unwilling to end contact. You aren't serious about saving your marriage are you?
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... I ended all communication with her. I haven't quit my job at my wife's request (that I find a new one first). I made arrangements to ensure a third party would be present at all times. I felt the tone change pretty substantially...
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jr.,
It is well that you're taking your wife's need for financial security into account.
I'm not gonna bust your chops for going back there this week, but it'd be preferable for you to take any sick-days or personal time-off days you might have & use 'em instead.
I realize people have to pay the mortgage & have health insurance. Just don't drag this out, because (as we've seen in other cases on this site), when wayward spouses have dragged out the process of separating from a job where there's ongoing contact with the affair partner, that's dirt in the wound, which acts as an infection & will keep your wife & your marriage from ever healing. Get a transfer, get a new job, but you've gotta get this dnoe pretty quickly.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Expect that there will be ups & downs in your wife's tone. She's on a huge emotional roller-coaster right now. Some days she'll be feeling ok, and some moments, she'll have a hard time even breathing.
You need to give her whatever she asks, be available to her, be ready to talk, be ready to give her space, just be available to her, without conditions or demands on your part.
It can get better over the long term, but it'll take a lot of effort on your part & some painful introspection for the two of you together.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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jr.,
It is well that you're taking your wife's need for financial security into account.
I'm not gonna bust your chops for going back there this week, but it'd be preferable for you to take any sick-days or personal time-off days you might have & use 'em instead.
I realize people have to pay the mortgage & have health insurance. Just don't drag this out, because (as we've seen in other cases on this site), when wayward spouses have dragged out the process of separating from a job where there's ongoing contact with the affair partner, that's dirt in the wound, which acts as an infection & will keep your wife & your marriage from ever healing. Get a transfer, get a new job, but you've gotta get this dnoe pretty quickly. I haven't been back. The only reason I haven't extended it to a leave of absence is that I don't feel I deserve any "vacation". I interviewed Wed for a job and am ACTIVELY looking.
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She is an extremely angry phase right now. It looks and feels hopeless. I still don't want to give up my marriage, but from her perspective I already have and don't deserve anything. She told me she shared with an additional friend. I don't know if that - or reliving/relaying - is what has reopened the wound.
Nonetheless, I still want her and my family. I will give 100%, in everything.
Really struggling this morning as I have lost her for good by all accounts, and my best friend with whom I want to share hates me...
One second/minute/day, and I will keep on loving my boys as I may not be living with them very soon.
Last edited by jrmountains; 07/14/13 10:32 AM.
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I am his wife. He told me to try this site, and here I find him seeking pity.
He has taken everything from me. My home is tainted, my cars, my furniture, memories, my birth experience and now he will get my babies part time.
How do I move forward? All I have is hate and anger in my heart. Especially for the other woman. She knew I existed, saw me pregnant at company events, held my baby, sent me a baby gift. She went to a family event with MY family. I felt sorry for her. And all the time she is sleeping with my husband. She is so disgusting. I do not think it is possible to forgive the levels of betrayal. He talked to her more than me, I saw the records. They talked about me. She planted seeds that I was lazy and spoiled for taking maternity leave. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the levels of deceit and lies that were told to hide this affair. He brought her into my home while my children slept and I was at work. They rented hotel rooms and left work early, while i fed, bathed and cared for my children.
He told her he loved her while next to me in the delivery room.
When she popped into his work picture, she was in going through a divorce. My exact words- I don't trust her, but I trust you completely.
I just want to know how to get rid of the anger and rage, it is consuming me. I want to move on with my life without being bitter. For the sake of my children. I don't want to be with him. I just need to know how to be whole again for my babies.
He deserves no sympathy. None.
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I do not deserve sympathy... Your post is a fair response.
I hope you will not give up on the site, even if our marriage doesn't survive this.
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HtBn, the responses are slow to come on the weekends but stay here for a bit and I promise you some Marriage Builders veterans will help you, support you and advise you...
What your husband has done to you is the worse thing he could have possibly done and the pain you're feeling is the worse pain you have ever felt. You have every right to divorce this man that has disrespected you, your family and the sanctity of your marriage but I would still suggest that you hang around long enough to talk to the veterans here...
I also gently suggest that you start a thread of your own. I'm very sorry that you've found yourself here under these circumstances...
Last edited by lookin4thehandle; 07/14/13 11:32 AM.
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Jr, accept all responsibility for your actions. There are zero excuses, ok?
This affair sounds like it lasted a total of around nine months and the other woman is recently divorced? It sounds like this affair has already caused one destroyed marriage. Is that accurate?
I don't have any sympathy for you. I do have sympathy for your two children and a young mother whom depended on you for strength and financial security..
I don't know if your marriage can be saved or not but you've found yourself in best place possible. Do not feel sorry for yourself, your wife is the one that is in excruciating pain and your selfishness is what caused it...now that the 2x4 is out of the way I suggest you write to Dr Harley ASAP,set up counseling with his son Steve. Write to Dr Harley today and tomorrow morning call the coaching center.
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...accept all responsibility for your actions. There is no excuse for what I have done. None. It sounds like this affair has already caused one destroyed marriage. Is that accurate? I agree with your timeline as the "emotional affair" began a month or two earlier. We started talking as she moved out and was "struggling". I hope this doesn't sound like an excuse, but rather an honest self-observation wherein I need to work on a character flaw in myself. I have always been the type to "do too much" to try to help others out (unclear boundaries). I now recognize that this is a character flaw wherein I need to draw better boundaries; especially so that I can best demonstrate that as a parent by living it for my boys. I now know definitively that supporting her (OW) in any fashion was wrong. Being a married man, I had NO business "supporting" OW at the end of her failing marriage. None, whatsoever, no ifs, ands, or buts... The other destroyed marriage was failing before I met OW. She separated ~Q3ish of 2013 (I don't know the exact date). Based on what I know today, I believe she was looking for a replacement as she had never been single for more than a couple of weeks (her words). Not an excuse, but an honest observation. I don't have any sympathy for you. I am glad. I know my BW thinks I am here solely for this purpose. Rather, I am hoping and praying that I can find a way to keep my family intact. If I can't, then the only thing I can do to "man up" is to do everything possible to be a good father; and help my wife heal wherever, whenever, and however she will allow me to. The only deserving sympathy here is just as you outlined above: "sympathy for your two children and a young mother whom depended on you for strength and financial security."I don't know if your marriage can be saved or not but you've found yourself in best place possible. Do not feel sorry for yourself, your wife is the one that is in excruciating pain and your selfishness is what caused it...now that the 2x4 is out of the way I suggest you write to Dr Harley ASAP,set up counseling with his son Steve. Write to Dr Harley today and tomorrow morning call the coaching center. I will follow your advice. I am also seeing an individual therapist and we have a couples counselor. Thank you for your time and comments. -J
Last edited by jrmountains; 07/14/13 11:51 AM.
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The only reason I haven't extended it to a leave of absence is that I don't feel I deserve any "vacation". This is an excuse. TAKE the vacation time and find another job. Your marriage has NO hope as long as you work with the OW. NONE. If you want your marriage, you will do what ever it takes to find another job.
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Self reflection can be a good thing but I suggest you be very careful verbalizing it...ALL your thoughts, attention and actions are to be directed at helping your wife heal and that can take awhile...
Until a judge's gavel falls you still have a chance...if you haven't already, take a look at the links Marcos and Brainhurts have provided.
Immerse yourself in helping YOUR WIFE heal. Listen to these veterans.
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The only reason I haven't extended it to a leave of absence is that I don't feel I deserve any "vacation". This is an excuse. TAKE the vacation time and find another job. Your marriage has NO hope as long as you work with the OW. NONE. If you want your marriage, you will do what ever it takes to find another job. Let me discuss with my wife. Their financial stability is what matters most. Please see prior post where I exposed the affair at work to a person I work with extensively to ensure I am not around OW.
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HtBn, Please start a thread of your own where we can advise you. We can help you find healing. I am his wife. He told me to try this site, and here I find him seeking pity.
He has taken everything from me. My home is tainted, my cars, my furniture, memories, my birth experience and now he will get my babies part time.
How do I move forward? All I have is hate and anger in my heart. Especially for the other woman. She knew I existed, saw me pregnant at company events, held my baby, sent me a baby gift. She went to a family event with MY family. I felt sorry for her. And all the time she is sleeping with my husband. She is so disgusting. I do not think it is possible to forgive the levels of betrayal. He talked to her more than me, I saw the records. They talked about me. She planted seeds that I was lazy and spoiled for taking maternity leave. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the levels of deceit and lies that were told to hide this affair. He brought her into my home while my children slept and I was at work. They rented hotel rooms and left work early, while i fed, bathed and cared for my children.
He told her he loved her while next to me in the delivery room.
When she popped into his work picture, she was in going through a divorce. My exact words- I don't trust her, but I trust you completely.
I just want to know how to get rid of the anger and rage, it is consuming me. I want to move on with my life without being bitter. For the sake of my children. I don't want to be with him. I just need to know how to be whole again for my babies.
He deserves no sympathy. None.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Their financial stability is what matters most. Let me quietly suggest that you may be the WORST judge of priorities and of what "matters most" on this thread. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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