I've been through hell and back with my divorce. It has been almost 5 years, but I have taken a LOOOONG time to heal. Mainly because my ex comes around still. He's still very much a part of me and the girls' lives, mainly for convenience and habit.

He had an affair with a coworker, who was also married with a 6 year old. I have 3 girls. They are both divorced now, but now together yet. They see each other maybe 3 times a month on the weekends. They no longer work together, as my ex left his job for a new one, but they are still "together."

He's recently started bringing my girls around her, but only about 4 or 5 times in the last six months, and NEVER before that. It's very painful, the most painful thing since the divorce, to know that the girls are now around the OW. All I can feel and think is that "she doesn't deserve to be around my girls."

My ex and I were married 14 years. We had a good marriage. We had our ups and downs. But overall, a very good marriage. I worked hard, and so did he. He claims "we drifted apart." So he had an emotional affair. I was busy with my girls, work, paying bills, running a household. And he was becoming emotionally involved with another woman.

It seems so unfair. To know that this man used to tell me that "I was stuck with him." And that "he was the luckiest man in the world." Which he was, by the way. Now, he doesn't really "have" her yet, and he is away from his girls most of the time. She never attends family events with him.....baptisms, weddings, etc. She never goes. It's a very strange relationship. She never drives here, to his apartment. (He works an hour away, where she lives). She's never come to one of my girls' athletic events, or school events, thank God. They aren't close to being engaged, as far as I can tell.

I've suffered depression and an amazing blow to my self esteem. How does one reconcile the fact that they became "not enough?" It's truly been the most darkest period of my life, but I've slowly come out of the darkness. It's such a terrible situation to be in, really. He does have more access to my life then he should, and I know that it's my fault and has delayed my healing. I am working on that. I date. I have gone on many dates since the divorce. I just haven't found the one yet. There's someone I used to date who has been back in my life, but both of us feel "emotionally unavailable." So, I suppose I just need to have patience. He's the only other person I've ever loved, and the only one I could see myself with.

I just have to read these posts when I feel down, and know that happiness will come again someday. One of the things I hope for is that things don't work out between them. I can accept more that way, believe it or not.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, almost. How can we help you?

Maritalbliss: I guess I am just seeking other stories, words of support. It's been a long and hard road for me since I divorced. Moving on and full acceptance is so very, very hard.

almost, Dr. Harley has a plan that can probably help you. It is called Plan B. I strongly encourage you to read about it here and learn what it can do to help lift your spirits.

Less contact would help.

Some things you can't control though....him taking your children around ow is one of those things. It was far and away the most difficult part off all of my divorce. My ds's feelings about it were something I felt I needed to help him deal with...it was difficult though.

How do your children feel about it? My ds told his father, after about one year, that he did not want to be around her. I think that was the beginning of the end for my xh and ow......they stayed together longer than most but broke up a few months back after FOUR years together.

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen this?

What are Plan A and Plan B?

I looked at that Plan B Markos. I do realize that I need less contact with him. Definitely. I vacillate between little contact, to lots of contact, depending on girls' activities.

SmilingWoman, my children don't really care to be around her, but he is their father. I don't talk much about it to my oldest, because she doesn't like discussing it. My middle one told me one day the she didn't think they would ever get married. And my youngest (9 years old) said that "it's been what, over 4 years, and they still aren't really together." I was floored that that came out of her mouth. She's very smart though.

The divorce really hurt my oldest the most. But now, she doesn't even want to discuss the OW. She gets mad. I don't ever ask questions. I know better.

I did read it Brainhurts. It's good stuff! But, the thing that really hurt my ex and I was that he didn't separate himself from the OW while we were trying to figure it out and recover. They still worked together, up until about a year ago. They have broken up twice already.

I think if he had left his job right after the affair, or got a job here in the town where we live, then it would have been MUCH easier to reconcile and recover. But he was addicted to the affair.

Now, I do need to separate myself more from being around him. What makes it difficult is that we are usually around each other at the girls' events, which is OFTEN.

The way I helped my ds was to validate his natural feeling that the OW was half the blame of the divorce and a relationship that begins in adultery can never be right.

Ds went to counseling and he stood up to a counselor who tried to casually convince ds that he should accept the ow.

It is a hard road even with the best of plans in place. I definitely agree less contact the better.

How about going into Plan B?
How to Plan B Correctly

You would just need to not send the Plan B letter you would just set up an IM.

Did you ever expose his affair?

Have you told your children?

Every contact with him is going to be painful to you, and a blow to your mental and emotional health.

I would say, your children already have one parent who is nuts (in an affair). They need one parent to keep her sanity, and that is the best reason to look into blocking contact from him.

Have you heard this?

I found an excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley, of why it's a good idea to go into Plan B after divorce.
Radio clip on Plan B after Divorce at 5:25 mark

I have only exposed the affair to family members and our friends. His prior boss (who is still the OW's boss) doesn't know. And when I ask the ex if she knows yet, he tells me "no."

My girls know about the affair. They know that she was the main reason for our divorce.

I can only hope one day, that they don't enjoy being around her.

Plan B talks a lot of little contact. I know that sometimes my ex acts extra friendly when I'm more distant. Or he finds a reason to "chat" about something regarding the girls. It's his way to feel less guilty. He also always offers to pay for things and to help, which makes it harder for me because he's "extra" nice to me.

Markos, I agree, he is nuts for having an affair. My girls do need stability and a sane, non-depressed mom. I usually do quite well, and the only time I regress is when I find out that she is around my girls. Since it's only happened in the last few months, it's like this long drawn out process.

Brainhurts - I'm gonna have to listen to that! Thank you so much for sharing.

We can help you get into Plan B if you want. You will be amazed how much better you will feel.

Did OW's husband know about their affair?

Can you get into your doctor for some ADs?

Yes, I may need help getting into Plan B. I've tried and tried to be successful at limiting contact, but I always go back to the same thing. It always benefits my ex, much more than it does me!

Yes, OW's husband found out, I'm sure. They got a divorce after my ex and I did. I divorced him within 10 months of discovering the affair.

I already take Cymbalta, which I've been on and off of for the last 5 years. I get better, wean myself, then get back on them. Great AD though! I just find myself experiencing lows (like today) when I find out that they are around her. My heart literally skips a beat, and I feel like I did back when I discovered the affair, then when I found out he was talking to her again 5 months later (when we were supposed to be working things out).

I'm so sorry. False recoveries can be more painful than original Dday.

Do you have someone who can be an IM for you?

Is there anything in the divorce decree that says he can't have OW around your kids?

How old are your kids?

My kids are 15, 13 and 9 now.

No, I didn't out that in the decree. I didn't think you could put something like that in a decree. That the adulterer couldn't bring the OW around the kids. I mean, that would be kind of hard if he ever married her.

I might have someone who can be an intermediary. Wouldn't this seem strange to implement after 4 1/2 yrs of being divorced?

Not if it's what is better for you. Just because you've suffered for over 5 years doesn't mean you have to keep suffering.

We have a saying around here. It may be a bad mistake to promise something you shouldn't but only worse if you keep that bad promise.

Your kids are old enough to communicate with him and if they don't already have phones for themselves then you can buy them pay as you go phones to communicate with him.

Change all your contact information and set up your IM and have everything that is child or finance related through them. There's no reason to have to see or communicate with him ever again.

Many people have. And it might be worth asking a lawyer or two about it now, although I don't know if you have any chances at this point.


No, not at all! Doesn't it make sense that as time goes by, a divorced couple would have less and less to do with each other?