I have been attempting to find out if my wife is having a second affair (1st was several years ago)and I have a really basic question I want to pose. I hear on here all the time that if I kill the affair I can then try to "win her back". My question is what if I don't want to "woo her back"? Does that make me a bad person?

I mean what if after all the being treated so stinkin badly for the last year or so I have just no desire to woo the person who has treated me so poorly and who really owes me an apology and does not deserve to be woo'd after the way she has treated me?


I only ask because after what i have been put through I really have no desire at this point in time to treat her like we just met and are all in love etc.

I do still care about her but those hormone induced "want to give her the world" feelings just are not really there.

Dad102

Don�t know your story, but if you were like many betrayed spouses and didn�t expose, didn�t implement extraordinary precautions, or radical honesty etc, then yes you have set yourself up for repeat affairs and you might as well leave the marriage

God Bless
Gamma

If you don't want to recover your marriage after your wife's affair, Dr. Harley would agree that you have every right to divorce. Adultery is one of the worst experiences your spouse can do to you.

What he would ask you first is: Is there a logical reason for staying and trying to recover?

Logical reasons would be if you have children or you have substantial financial interests together, or perhaps a long history you are reluctant to give up.

Even if there are logical reasons, it's still up to you, and no one here would say you are a "bad person" for divorcing your wife.

The only caveat I would offer in trying to decide would be if your wife's first affair was handled properly. In other words, did she send a No Contact letter, was the affair exposed, did you and she follow Extraordinary Precautions after the affair to prevent another one?

Was the marriage restored to one that was better than before the affair?

Were all the conditions that led to her first affair eliminated?

If your marriage did not recover the "right way" after the first affair, you could, if you really wanted to, try it the MB way.

What do you think?

No. The feeling is normal after betrayal. And you have the right to call it quits and divorce her.

Hi all and thanks for the replies.

IN answer to a couple of the questions you posed the first affair was ended in a partial exposure i guess is the best way to put it. I exposed it to several people and she got pissed, then appologized and it was over.

As to circumstances we do have a young daughter which really does enter into my thinking. In fact I truly feel that the only reason we are still together is because of our daughter. Other than that we really have about 0 to do with each other and when we do it is usually not so great.

Yesterday was a case in point, I had just arrived home from work and per usual she was leaving as soon as I walked in. So she starts talking about someone at work (the one i think is the other man) and how he is away on vacation and then starts saying" someday I will get a vaca. So i say "yeah I know it looks like we will not have a family vacation this summer I guess" and then she flies into a rage and starts yelling at me saying she is too busy for a vaca and that I can go on a vacation any time I like without her if i want to etc, etc, etc. Then storms off to work.

That is basically the way things go. So long as I do not disagree with anything she says or complain about doing 99% of the houshold work things are good although i still never see her. But if I mewntion anything else watch out.

Alas you may be right.

Well, if she isn't in an affair, you still have a crippled version of what your marriage was before her last affair.


What have YOU done to improve your marriage?

Dad102,

IN answer to a couple of the questions you posed the first affair was ended in a partial exposure i guess is the best way to put it. I exposed it to several people and she got pissed, then appologized and it was over.

So who is left to expose to was OMW ever told? Do you kids now? OMs parents and workplace? Get to work, your WWs getting pissed was an indication you were hitting pay dirt.

God Bless
Gamma

To be totally honest not much in the last 2 years that things have been bad.

As to after the 1st affair well we both tried and things were pretty good for a while. Then some things were going on and i think she just decided if I could not be exactly what she was looking for she would fill that need elsewhere and well that led to now.

That affair and other man is long since gone, this is with someone else at a totally different job.

That one actually ended and let to a pretty good period of time when things were good.

Then some other things happened and well now we are where we are at.

As to your question of children yes we have a young daughter.

Dad,

Right but was OM1 married and did you inform his Wife or Girl Friend, it sounds like your WW never made amends for affair 1. Doing so would be doing OMW a favor and establish that you are not a doormat.

How long ago was OM1?

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Gamma,
Other man 1 was not married, and it ended about 6 years ago.


"Doormat", interesting, that is how I feel alot of the time.

Dad,

Did you get a polygraph from your WW about OM1 and all the details of the affair? Did you get a DNA test for your child? Did you ever confront or expose OM1?

By doing nothing you enabled your WW to continue in her wayward mindset.

Also did you confirm that OM1 was unmarried? He may only have been separated and is now back with his W. Don't believe anything your WW told you or anything OM1 told your WW.

God Bless
Gamma

I think we can all agree that Dad's marriage did not recover the right way from his wife's first affair, and he and his wife ended up with a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

The question I would ask your wife is: from here on out, is she willing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty?

Dad, have you read Surviving an Affair? Dr. Harley revised it and it's very good.

First, you need to snoop and find out if your wife is indeed having another affair. You should do this regardless of your decision to leave or stay. Get hard proof evidence.

Meanwhile, read up on Plan A. Stop all your love busters and work on being a really terrific man. This might look like being a doormat, but it's not. It's called priming the pump.

Have you read the first thread on this forum called Start Here? If not, please do. There's a wealth of good information that will help you.

My H had an affair many years ago, and our marriage did not recover properly either. It was miserable the first year out, and okay after that, but we didn't have Extraordinary Precautions. My H had a second affair, almost three years ago. The ONLY reason I decided to go through recovery with him this time was because in finding MB, we now had a program of recovery available to us that he was willing to join me in. I decided to give him the opportunity to earn my forgiveness, because we didn't have MB the first time around.

We're recovered and in love, so MB works IF both spouses follow it. But you don't have to decide right now.

For now, snoop and read up on Plan A.

Until you have full knowledge of who, when, how, how often, etc, you really cannot make good decision about whether to dump her cheating(?) butt.

So here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.