How did Turkey Day/meet the parents go?

It went great, thanks for asking! I�ve been really busy lately with year-end things to do, both personal and job-related. I can�t believe it�s only been a few weeks, and I come back and see that Optimism is now married!! Wow, things happen fast!

The visit was fun. Everyone I met in her family (parents, grandmother, cousins) were very nice. It�s the first time I�ve met a girlfriend�s parents and actually enjoyed it and would look forward to visiting them again. Her parents apparently enjoyed meeting me as well; when we said goodbyes, they said they hoped I'd come back again sometime.

The thing both of us noticed about the trip was we spent five days essentially glued to the hip and never once felt uncomfortable or wished for some space or anything negative like that. Plus, two all-day trips in the car to get there and back, and it never felt awkward; we didn�t run out of things to talk about, and in fact I think an 8-hour drive with someone is another test of compatibility I might add to Dr. Harley�s list.

While driving home the Sunday after Thanksgiving, my girlfriend started a conversation about our relationship. We talked about the seriousness of it, where it�s headed, stuff like that, and eventually got to a point where I asked a question that had been stimulated by an earlier comment from AGoodGuy,

I used to have that thought when I first met her, and AGoodGuy�s comment crystallzed a question that had been brewing in my subconscious. During the drive home, I asked her if she had ever thought about the fact that, if she ended up marrying someone much older, her husband would likely die well before she would and she may end up living alone for many years. She quickly dismissed the question saying that she had indeed thought about it, and it didn�t bother her, saying that even if she married someone much younger, he could die unexpectedly before she did as well. There aren�t any guarantees, and she asserted again that our age difference doesn�t bother her and in fact is what she wants. After that discussion, I decided to stop questioning myself about why she would want to date me.

In the meantime, we�ve been getting along very well. I like spending time with her, whether we�re doing something fun, or just hanging out at home, cooking dinner, walking the dogs, watching TV, simple things like that. I�ve known her almost 3 months and haven�t seen any red flags. She feels the same way, and at this point we�re both happy with each other and enjoying the development of our relationship.

Your Givers are in control right now.
Keep posting on any changes.
Soon your Takers will come out

I think AGG's explanation of the phases of a relationship is, if not more accurate, at least more understandable.
That would be that KL, you are now in an infatuation stage with each other. Next is most likely going to be more of...disillusionment. If you're still together after taht, then you have something that could definitely last.

I would also point out that MB is known to essentially allow ANY two people to create compatibility.

[My hope with dating was to find someone who was as close to "compatible" as possible and then also start applying MB principles together. i was lucky to find someone pretty compatible and also interested in learning MB.]

Is your GF familiar at all with MB? The $LB is a good place to start, IMO.

Have you checked out Dr. H's comapatibility guide (in the artilces section, I think)? Also, there is a book called "Will Our Love Last" that someone recommended here - I found it quite enlightening as an adjunct to MB philosophy.

opt

ps - NG and I had a couple of long road trips in the beginning as well. 30 hours total in the car with someone in 5 days. Not sure if it's really a compatibility test when you're in the infatuation stage (although I considered it one). However, it's a great way to spend time together and talk about stuff. Do you like the same music?
--we also passed what I call the "folding a really big tarp together" test early on. I think that's when I knew I had a keeper!

Thought I would post an update as things have progressed quite far.

December ended in a whirlwind. We spent one weekend in DC with my dad, stepmom, and one of my sisters and her family, and they enjoyed meeting R; my dad, in particular, was quite taken by her. We spent the next weekend in San Diego with my kids, my mom and stepdad, three of my siblings and their families, and they too enjoyed meeting R. After the weekend, she flew back home, picked up my dogs and hers and drove to her parents in Ohio for Christmas. A couple days later, my son and I flew re-routed flights there and spent several days with her parents and brother. The three of us then drove back home with our dogs just in time for New Year's. From Dec. 27 to Jan. 15, we spent every day but one together, and every one of those days was enjoyable, not a single bad moment.

In the 4 months we've known each other, I've come to realize that although I was happy being single before meeting R, I'm happier when I'm with her, I miss her when I'm not, and when we are together, we get along very well. A feeling of relationship commitment has been growing inside for at least two months, and I decided that I don't need any more time to figure out that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

After the holidays and receiving positive feedback from every one of our relatives on both sides of our families, and especially from my two kids, I decided to act. Last week, I sent a letter to her parents asking permission to marry her. Not wanting to incur the delay of a written response, they phoned me and said, literally, "In answer to your question, yes, with lots of exclamation marks!" I spoke with both of her parents and they were very happy and excited, especially her mom, and they have welcomed me into their family.

We haven't set a date yet but have started looking at houses. Once we decide on a place to live, we'll try to coordinate a wedding to occur close to when we buy a house.

The whole thing has seemed like a fairytale from the very beginning: from the unlikely event of a friend from 35 years ago introducing us, to getting to know each other and discovering compatibility, to the positive reactions of our relatives, and to the deepening attraction between us. Everything has been so easy with hardly a glitch. It feels like winning the lottery!

Some say that if something seems too good to be true, it's probably not true. In this case, I think too good to be true is true!

Some others say that the best way to find someone is to not be looking. I agree completely! It feels magical to meet someone that way and have it work out.

(There was some earlier discussion on this thread regarding our age difference. I'm finding the situation to be just as Dr. Harley said: having a younger partner makes me want to take care of myself better than I normally would. I'm eating healthier, making sure I don't miss workouts, and keeping my weight in check over the holidays better than I normally would. Statistics say that I'll die well before R will. The last thing I want is to end up with deteriorating health later in life and requiring assistance. My goal is to stay as healthy and young as I can, for as long as I can, so that I can give her as many years of a happy relationship as I possibly can.)

Wow, what an awesome update KL!! I'm thrilled for you and R! Congrats!

I felt the same way about my W, I knew that she was the one within a few dates - but I did decide to give it two years just to make sure . I still think that that is the best approach, but that's just me .

AGG

wow....
u are right KL, it seem like a fairytale or a Hollywood production
too good to be true huh?

i agree with you. is something is so good, why cant it be true?
God wants the best for us all the time. so keep up the positive fire

if i may ask, what is the age difference (i dont know whehter u stated it earlier)
am asking because the age difference between me and my GF is 2 yrs and i wish it was more say 7 or more because i feel a little competition due to the closeness.

secondly, talking about no glitch, you mean no disagreement or anger at all? or going by the 'stages theory' is it too early to experience one? just asking because i know two people at a point would disagree or be unhappy about something, that does not mean incompatibility though. or you manage these things when they come up.

hope to get some cues from you KL,

wishing you the best in this wonderful relationship.

24 years; she's 31, I'm 55. I was uncomfortable with such a large age difference when I first met her, but I've learned to accept it, and now the only time I think about it is when people ask.

If you feel competition with your girlfriend due to closeness in age, I think you should investigate that. Consider seeking professional counseling to better understand the reasons for what you feel. Does she know about your feeling of competition?

Yes, I mean no disagreement or anger at all. We have had disagreements in our relationship, but during the 2-3 weeks I wrote about, there were none. Whether it was on vacation visiting family, weekend time alone, or seeing each other in the morning and evening on workdays, spending time together was easy and enjoyable, effortless.

KL,

What does your GF think of MB?

She likes what she knows about it so far (love bank, emotional needs, POJA, appropriate criticism). We've listened to a few radio clips together. She was curious about BRF when I told her I had read it and really liked it, and I gave her a copy for Christmas. I even asked her to consider taking the quiz at the end before reading the book, and she's definitely a buyer.

On some other threads (I can't remember which), I asked some hypothetical questions about POJA, trying to understand how certain scenarious could be handled without sacrifice. I remember PepperBand saying I was overanalyzing, and POJA is not that difficult once you get the hang of it. I also remember hearing Dr. Harley describe on one of his radio shows that many couples use POJA without even knowing about the term; they just use it instinctively. That's what it's like with R and I. We agree on things easily, and when I think in hindsight about how we come up with agreements, I realize we're using POJA without even thinking about it. Pepperband was sort of right in that it's easy once you get the hang of it; it's also easy when you have a thoughtful partner! In fact, I think in the same radio clip, Dr. Harley said POJA was designed to help thoughtless people become more thoughtful. What I'm finding is that if you're already thoughtful to begin with, POJA happens automatically.

This is what I have found with my dh....POJA comes so easily. Small things.....I pointed out a light fixture that I love...he hates it. No big deal move on.....within 2 mins found one we both like. I find he is a Giver and would give in easily if I pressed....but I don't want to live that way. I want us both happy if possible.

Congrats to you and R!!

I like all of it.

Congratulations KL, I'm so happy for you!

Hi everyone, I haven't been on this site in quite a while -- busy with many things.

But, things are starting to settle down a little, and last week I found myself wondering what some of my forum buddies were up to. Plus, I remember AGoodGuy being curious about how things turn out.

To recap the first 10 pages of this thread, I met a fabulous woman last Fall, and although there's a significant age difference between us, we hit it off quickly and by the end of the year decided to marry. Once we got engaged, I became so busy with the additional activities of planning a wedding and buying a house that I couldn't keep up with visiting the MB forums.

Since R recently started a new job and doesn't have much vacation time, and since we had already planned a week vacation together in July, we choose our wedding date to occur the weekend before our vacation so that we'd have a little gap between getting married and having to go back to work. We didn't consider the vacation to be a honeymoon, however, since we had already planned to go on the trip with R's mom and a couple friends; we hope to save up some money and take a real honeymoon next year.

We started looking at houses in February, thinking it would take a couple months to find one, a couple more months in escrow, and we'd try to time the purchase to coincide as much as possible with our wedding. But we found a perfect house the first weekend we went house-hunting. We couldn't get the previous owners to agree to an extended escrow, and we didn't want to delay purchasing the house for fear it wouldn't stay on the market, so we signed a contract and moved in in April. (We weren't concerned about the cohabitation effect because R and I didn't view living together as a "test of compatibility;" we were already buyers, committed to each other, and felt the wedding was simply a celebration of something that already existed.)

We spent the next couple months planning the wedding, and it went perfectly. Our families got along great with each other, and everyone was thrilled to see us enjoy the best, happiest day of our lives.

We're now settling into our new home, and I can't believe how happy we are together. Everyday we go to work, I can't wait to hurry up and get home to her. We have so much fun together, it's hard to believe sometimes.

I remember from one of Dr. Harley's radio shows where he described some of his basic principles on marriage and said that a lot of married couples use his principles instinctively without even knowing what they are. That's the way R and I are. POJA and RH happen automatically. UA overflows. The meeting of IEN's is off the chart. And what feels so good about this is these things happen without having to think about them. As Dr. Harley writes in his summary of basic concepts:

Writing this makes me wonder why people fall out of love. I assume that most couples are in love when they get married, and they, too, meet each other's EN's instinctively. If they keep meeting each other's EN's, their Love Banks should remain full, right? What makes them fall out of love?

Is it Love Busters? If so, why would anyone Love Bust on their partner whom they love? I'm guessing the answer is contained in Dr. Harley's description of instincts and habits:

He then goes on to say:

All of his remaining basic concepts (IENs, UA, RH, POJA) come naturally to R and me right now, and I assume it's no different for other newlyweds.

Which prompts me to ask: Are there any readers who felt that following Dr. Harley's basic concepts was easy at first but became more difficult as their relationship developed? If so, do you know why the basic concepts became more difficult for you and what you might've done differently to prevent that from happening?

I'm asking 1) out of intellectual curiosity, and 2) because I love what R and I have right now and I want to keep it going. Thanks!

Hey KL, thanks for the update. You are smart to try to stay ahead of potential issues. But I also think issues will come up no matter what, that's where your ability to negotiate will be paramount.
I can speak with a little (not to mention recent )experience here.
Joyce and Bill were talking some time ago about how couples aren't always 100% honest with each other, even about little things; e.g. when POJAing. This leads to little "fissures" in the relationship that can add up over time. That would be something to watch out for,.
Also, your taker can be a real destructive force -- it's bound to emerge from both of you when you least expect it. Don't let it take over, but recognize it in each other, and have understanding and you should be okay.

Stressors can bring out the worst in everyone even newleyweds, so know when to walk away or dig deep for that extra ounce of understanding and respect for each other. We all have bad (animalistic even) tendencies.

Keep the 15 UA and focus on the IA's and that helps a LOT

jsut some thoughts.

opt

IEN's, not IA's

Congratulations on your marriage!

I second everything optimism said about learning to negotiate. That is the key to everything!

Dr. Harley would say that as time goes by, complicating factors can emerge. For example, many women discover an emotional need for family commitment as time goes by. You may not have been previously handling this need, so your approach will have to change. This is just one example.

Lol markos, that's just what I was thinking, too, everything's easy until the kids come