How do I know if he's right for me?
19 minutes ago

Hi everyone,

I need some help, advice, or reassurance... I'm not sure which though. I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible but also give the whole story, so I apologize in advance for any excess length and thanks for reading!

I dated Nick since highschool. We got married in June of 2012, after almost 8 years of being together and 6 of them living together. I thought he was perfect for me, even though things weren't perfect between the two of us. We had a very unsatisfying sex life, and he did not want to show any type of affection towards me (ex-he would turn his head when I went to kiss him goodnight, so I'd kiss him on the cheek instead of lips). He was also unwilling to read or take the quiz for the 5 love languages-which I was reading because I was feeling unloved and felt like he may be feeling the same. This was all a few months before we got married. Anyway, I seriously thought about my life, and I thought about my future. I wanted a "forever" with Nick, even if he never changed. He was right for me.

The summer was great, but after school resumed again (I'm a teacher), he seemed grumpy. He never told me why though. He didn't talk to me much and started spending nights out with his co-workers drinking. In November, he told me he was unhappy, and we began marriage counseling. I moved out because the drinking and staying out late didn't cease. Fast forward to February, and he asked for a divorce.

Over New Years, my good friend invited me to her party. She had a close group of friends there, including her brother-in-law and his two best friends. The guys (including her husband) have all known each other since second grade. Austin (one of the guys) asked me if I was single, and I told him no, but that my husband and I were having issues. We didn't talk the rest of the night, I was missing my husband and avoided everyone...

In February, the day Nick asked for the divorce, Austin friended me on facebook. He talked to me a bit and invited me to his birthday party, where my friend would be with the same group of people. My friend and I showed up together. Austin was sitting really close to me and flirting with me. We went back to one of the other friend's house. He was holding my hand (very drunk) and kept asking my friend why she would bring such a beautiful girl to him on his birthday but who was married. I told him that things were looking bad and I thought he was going to ask for a divorce. I told him I was not wanting a relationship, but somehow insinuated that I did want to hook up. I was drunk too... It was time for my friend and her husband to leave and although Austin was begging me to stay with him, I left. He asked for a birthday kiss and so I leaned in but kissed him on the cheek and left.

We talked daily (he initiated) on facebook chat that week. I told him Nick asked for the divorce. My friend had a party at her house on the following Saturday. I went, with the expectation of hooking up with no strings attached. After a few drinks, he asked me for his real birthday kiss. I kissed him, and he used tounge. I was surprised because Nick and I hadn't kissed with tongue since the first few months we were together. I liked it though. We drank a lot, and I was nervous about sleeping with him. He told me we didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do, and reassured me. We did sleep together, and woke up cuddling. We spooned all morning and I was incredibly hungover. He had to go (his friends drove him to the party and were leaving), but didn't want to leave me. He was going to Las Vegas the next morning. Anyway, he texted me every day from his trip, and I picked him up from the airport when he got home on Friday (he came home early to see me aparently).

We've seen each other every weekend since then. He's been telling me he liked me since March. In June I was worried because we never had "the talk" about being exclusive or anything, and I was feeling love towards him. I wasn't sure what we were and didn't want to scare him off. This summer, because school has been out, I've been spending a lot of time at his house. We went to Florida together and stayed at his friend's beach house. We were outside with his friend and his friend's mom at their pool. He (drunkenly) asked me to marry him. He reassured me that I'd get a ring but he didn't have one then. I laughed at him and jumped in the pool. Later that night he was being SUPER SWEET and romantic. I decided I'd tell him I loved him. I was so nervous that I was shaking. I told him I was nervous and wanted to tell him something but it was not an easy thing to say. He said "how will you know if I feel the same way if you don't say it?" And so I told him, in a whisper. His friend walked outside as I said it, and Austin whispered back in my ear that he loved me too.

When we got home a few days later, he asked me to move in with him. We still have some issues to work through (mainly religion... I'm Jewish and he's Baptist and how we should raise our kids) and when I brought the cat for a week, we realized that he's too OCD and clean to have a cat roam his house. Our compromise would be to keep her in the bedroom where my bed and furniture would go. It's a small space though...... and I told him I was not ready to move in but to ask me again in December.

Anyway, sorry the background was so long. I really do love him, and he truly loves me too. He is so affectionate and it makes me feel SO lucky to be with someone like him. Of course, he isn't perfect. He has some quirks that I don't like. Mainly, a very short temper and he's selfish. I am pretty sure that if I really wanted something, he'd do it for me, but we haven't had anything like that come up. He's been working on his anger, and recently I was pretty sure he was going to get mad about something, and he didn't.

How do I know if he's right for me? I love how he treats me, and he is so affectionate and tells me how much he loves me and thinks I'm so pretty. All the things that I need in a relationship, he gives freely (unlike ex...) but I worry that these things stop, and if they do, do I still really love the person that doesn't do these things? With Nick, I did, and I knew it. I jumped head first into the relationship with him. But with Austin it's different. I was only mildly attracted to him in February, and wanted a friends with benefits type situation. I thought that because I didn't "like" him like that, I could easily do FWB without getting attached. Well, we're both attached now.... and he wants me to move in and eventually marry him. Anyway, how do I know if that's the right thing for me? I didn't spend much time being "single" and looking around, but I do feel that I had already grieved my marriage between November-February. He makes me happy but I don't feel the head over heels in love thing that I felt with Nick in the beginning. Any advice?

When were you divorced?

Were you sleeping with Austin while you were married to Nick?

Telling another man you are having problems with your husband is a TERRIBLE boundary for a married woman. So is flirting while you are still married. I don't care how unhappy you were, you know the difference between right and wrong.

A man who hits on married women is a terrible bet, so no I don't think he is right for you. He has no control over his impulses at all. This relationship was never based on anything real, you just wanted attention, and he wanted the excitement too.

And I dont think you are right for anyone until you learn how serious marriage is, and that problems within the marriage are no one else's business. That you are married until you are divorced - that's how serious it is!

I'd start over if I were you and think seriously about the sort of person I want to be, and the sort of person I want to attract.

Being available for 'hook ups' is not likely to attract the right guy.

Welcome to MB.

A couple of months after my ex's betrayel, I bonded with a woman who was in an unhappy 15yr relationship.
Witin 5 minutes of meeting eachother we were involved in a deep emotional connection...
...until she started talking about her bad relationship.
At that moment an alarmbel rang in my head!

"She is not single and this woman is vulnerable, I am vulnerable & she wants me to meet unfulfilled emotional needs badly".

This is not the way lifelong relationships are created... this is how rebounds and affairs start!
In fact this meeting was a real turnoff to me... she was offering herself on a plate.

And so are you!

The fact that your new boyfriend did not see your marital-status as a HUGE RED FLAG should be a major cause for concern to you!
In combination with 'his quirks' you are ALREADY noticing, you are setting yourself up as a victim for a potential PREDATOR.

Drop this guy like a bad habbit!

Take some time to get divorced & to get over it before you initiate any kind of new relationship.

Exactly. Only a vulture would hover over an unhappy marriage waiting for their time to swoop.

Run!

To BrainHurts:
Nick told me he was unhappy the first day of November. I moved out November 20th when it was clear he was not going to work through the marriage with me. If we were "just dating" that day would have been the day we broke up. But we were married so we went to marriage counseling weekly, but his heart wasn't in it. I was still clinging to hope.
He went out of town on a business trip Feb 11-22nd. Half way through the trip, we were chatting online about stuff and it became clear to me that he was going to ask for a divorce when he got back.

Austin's birthday party was on Feb 22nd. That was the night I kissed him on the cheek only and left with my friend and her husband.

The next day was the day Nick asked for a divorce. He handled the paperwork himself as we had no real assets to divide. The divorce was finalized on April 30th.

Austin and I slept together a week after Nick asked for the divorce. To me, that's the day we officially split up. April 30th was just the formality.

And yes it was soon. I wanted a friend with benefits and Austin fit that for me. He wanted just that too. We just grew to care about each other much more than either of us thought we would.

To Indiegirl:
Yes, you're probably right. I shouldn't have talked to Austin or flirted at his birthday party. However, to set the record straight, it wasn't me who wanted to divorce Nick. He was unhappy, he wanted to end things. I wanted to do counseling and fight for my marriage. It was a one-sided battle. I tried to talk through marriage builders with both him and the counselor. Nick seemed to think that there was no "formula" for love and the theories were too scientific for him. I got the ILYBINILWY talk in December. Again, I was still fighting and trying everything I could.

You're also right about being available for "hook ups" I wont do that again. With Austin, I wanted comfort for a night or two, and we ended up having much deeper feelings for each other. I didn't think things would go this fast, nor did I think that either of us would feel this towards each other.

To Geroldmodel:
I understand what you're saying about a girl talking about a bad relationship. To be more clear, I told Austin a little about it but didn't go into any details. All I said is that I was pretty sure Nick was going to ask for a divorce the next day and I didn't want to get into a relationship right away and wanted to be single for all of 2013. Eventually (probably about a month later) we both talked about exes and what happened in our relationships and things that we both like/need and don't like. He knew I was vulnerable... and we did start things like a "rebound" or friends with benefits or a mix of both.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It definitely put things into perspective for me.

I think you have the potential to have an amazing marriage. You've just fallen into a couple of obvious traps, by following feelings and not wanting to face logic.

But you MUST take marriage more seriously first. Even though it sounds very much like your H was neglectful and possibly in an A, married people don't 'break up' - that's for teenage relationships and dating.

That's not a moral judgement but a practical consideration. No decent man will want to date a married woman, or get tangled up in a divorce. So you should avoid men until you are eligible to meet someone nice. You deserve a good guy!

You chose your first H because he met 'some' needs - but not all. Now you've met someone you don't even like as much as that. Someone who simply prised their way in when you were at your most vulnerable and unhappy. You won't be happy until your standards are MUCH higher than this.

Wait till you're truly happy and healed. Find someone who respects the boundaries of marriage and would NEVER date a married woman.

The principles here will help. Good luck.

How about get divorced before you actually get with other men?

I couldn't agree more with this advice and wish more people prescribed it. I had so may vultures hover around me during the A and pre-divorce. I shudder to think....