My husband and I have been having problems in our marriage for several years now. I just came across this site today, and many of the concepts make a lot of sense.

I like the idea of enthusiastic agreement, and it makes a lot of sense in the context of a recent huge disagreement my husband and I had. I wanted us to both agree wholeheartedly on a major purchase, but he really wanted something that cost more than I was comfortable with that he really loved and I didn't like as well as a similar item that was half the price ($2,000 for the one he purchase vs. $1,000 for the other one). It's something related to a hobby of his that I enjoy participating in too.

I reluctantly told him if he felt he had to have it, I'd acquiesce to his wishes and be okay with him getting it. I had hoped, though, that he'd want me to be happy with the purchase too and would opt for the not-as-outrageously expensive but still nice thing that I really liked. But I did tell him he could do the purchase if he really wanted to, so I feel like he just went in with the mindset of, okay, I got my way. After we had paid (but when we could still change our minds) I started criticizing the purchase and raising doubts about it, hoping he'd change his mind and go with the less expensive one. He got furious and told me he rarely asks for anything and that I was ruining his joy over the purchase. I felt horrible, totally backed down and decided to try to get over my resentment and freak outedness about the purchase.

One complicating factor: for logistical reasons, the purchase happened on my birthday, a milestone birthday, for which my husband didn't do anything for me except send me hastily-picked free e-card with the promise of an afternoon at the spa - and he has a history of promising presents to family members and never following through, so I knew he would never again bring up the afternoon at the spa but that it was just a CYA thing for him to promise so it would look like he got me a present.

My birthday went on to be totally horrible, and he kept asking what he could do to make it up to me but didn't make any more gestures the whole day. We did go on a day trip that I planned and go out to dinner (which is why we stopped to make his purchase - we combined the two trips) - I thought he could have told the restaurant it was my B-day and gotten a slice of cake delivered to our table or some other small gesture, but nothing. He also had several drinks and confessed a big lie he had told me earlier around his substance abuse which made my birthday the worst I have ever had. I felt so betrayed. (It wasn't cheating.)

Anyway, I am stewing in resentment over the combo of my horrible birthday, the lie, and his big purchase and the rage he unleashed when I tried to waffle on my okay of the purchase. He has committed to getting sober and working on our relationship, and I want to do that.

My question is, do I keep my promise, made in anguish, to be okay with the big purchase (we're talking double the price of the one I liked better and would have been happy with) and just suck it up? The purchase will be something I look at every day and I'm worried keeping it (vs exchanging for the other) will contribute to a festering resentment and reminder of my horrible B-Day. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure asking to revisit the purchase and consider a return would make him feel very wronged and furious, as he has told me in the past he says yes to whatever I want and rarely asks for anything. I can live with the purchase. What is the best course of action re: the big purchase as we work on trying to repair and rebuild our marriage and he works on getting sober?

That purchase will come between you two even if you don't want it to. I think you would begin to not enjoy this hobby with him eventually because of it. However, you need to approach the issue without demands, disrespect, or anger. His saying yes to a lot of things you have wanted has no bearing on how you feel about this purchase.

Read as much as you can here, starting with Dr. Harley's basic concepts. The link is up at the top of this page, in the middle of the bottom bar.

Oh, are you saying he has an alcohol problem?

Thank you, Lifetime Learner. I worry that the purchase will have negative associations for me. But I also wonder if I could use it as an opportunity for personal growth myself, about learning to let go of things in the past, it symbolizing a turning point in our relationship etc.

Yes, he has an alcohol problem and does pot too. These issues have been a huge part of the problems between us. I've contributed to our problems too by having bad communication, criticism, resentment, withdrawing - so he is pretty unhappy with me too. He knows he needs to get sober, has acknowledged that he has a problem with alcohol and has committed to stop drinking when he returns from a family visit.

Since he's not here, what could you have done better in regards to the purchase?

Not saying he doesn't have work to do. I'm asking what did you do to contribute to arriving at your current state?

Hi Enlightened Ex,
I made the mistake of ignoring my wants/needs and being too self-sacrificing and telling him he could make the more expensive purchase if he really wanted to. Then I later tried to back out of that, without being direct enough.

I should have told him initially that it's a major purchase and I want us to have a policy that we both have to totally love and be onboard with it in order to go forward. Then we could have negotiated from there.

I have an issue with being indecisive. I wanted two things and couldn't decide between them. One was to see him totally happy with the purchase and the other was for us to get the less expensive item I preferred. So I said what would make him happy then waffled on it, which must have been really frustrating for him.

That's it.

You don't have to say yes or no right away. You can always ask time to think about it, sleep on it, etc. As long as it's not a dodge to simply avoid answering the question.

Why not say let me think about it and set a time when you will give an answer? Or suggest that you have a talk about it.

There may be ways you would be enthusiastic about the more expensive item. Say he sells some other hobby item to make up the difference.

I.E. telling him, if you sell that motorcycle I'm not keen on to buy that carbon fibre road bicycle, I would be enthusiastic about that. But I'm not enthusiastic about spending $2000 on a bicycle that you may not stick with.

Finally, if you really want to see him happy, then your being unhappy with the outcome is not compatible with wanting to see him happy.

1. Will he really be happy if you are unhappy?
2. Do you really want to see him happy at those times when you resent the purchase? Or do you resent his happiness at your expense?

For most folks, it's the latter. If you resent the purchase, no amount of him being happy helps you feel better about it.

However, that's just one of three or more issues you presented.

Your birthday became more about his purchase, with a celebration that came across to you as an afterthought, and further "enhanced" by his confession of alcohol/substance issues.

Tough day to be you on that day. I'm so sorry.

Thanks Enlightened Ex. That makes a ton of sense. Part of my problem was thinking that I could just instantly snap out of being unhappy about the purchase, if it made him super happy. But then it didn't work like that. My initial impulse was to come up with something we could both be happy about, but then I overrode it to make a sacrifice for him.

You're right - this is just one of several issues. We're in a rough spot, and I've read the advice about alcoholism etc. and how the spouse with the addiction issue has to be in recovery before you can really start working on the marriage. I think that's why our efforts to work on our marriage up until now have not been as successful as they could have been. I think the way he handled my birthday has a lot to do with his actively drinking and using pot and also with a long history of resentments, bad communication etc. We're definitely in a tough situation right now. I'll have to see what happens when he comes back from visiting his family.

Anyway, thanks for your insights and kind words.

Dr. Harley says that POJA and meeting needs is not going to work if the substance abuse doesn't stop. If possible, reverse this purchase, get your money back, and get the issue of addiction solved. To sacrifice as a new lesson for yourself to learn how to "let things go" is not going to help you or your marriage. It's a way to become weaker, not stronger.

First priority, AA. There's no marriage work to do (except eliminate your Lovebusters) until alcohol and pot are completely gone.

You should NEVER agree to something "hoping" your H would make a choice that you prefer.

Have you seen this?
What to do with an Alcoholic Spouse

Thanks Lifetime Learner, tismeagain and BrainHurts. I appreciate the advice. I'm not sure I understand why sacrifice as a lesson in how to "let things go" will make me weaker, but I have a lot to learn. (I mean, isn't learning to let things go good for everyone in general? I know I am uptight and have anxiety issues and need to work on things about myself.) Anyway, I did see the "What to do With an Alcoholic Spouse" article and it makes sense. It also worries me since it talks about how it's a difficult problem to handle and that even when the drinking stops it can still be hard. Point taken re: not agreeing to something "hoping" that my husband would make a choice I'd prefer. I guess more assertiveness would have been better. Thanks again, everyone.

What about emailing Dr. Harley?
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Good idea. Thank you!

Like others said, you have to be Honest with him. You were not Honest in saying that you were okay with purchase. He showed Independent Behavior and Dishonesty buy switching what he bought.
Never agree with something you truly don't want to happen, but try to find a way that you would be happy for it to happen.

Personally I would have him return the item at this point.