Hello Everyone,
I am new here, and am quite glad I found this forum. I was having such a hard time finding anything to do with my scenario. Hopefully someone on here is/was going through the same thing and can help me out. 5 weeks ago my wife of a little over a year found out she was pregnant. we were not trying, but we were also not being very careful. We were both excited about having our first child. Last week I found out that she had been having an affair for at least a month, during the time of her conception. The affair stopped a little over a month ago, just before we found out she was pregnant. She and I had been having sex during her affair, however nowhere near as often as she was with the OM. The news of the affair hurt enough, but to know that the child she is carrying might not be mine is devastating. I want to try to work it out with her, but do not know if I can handle raising the OM's child. We do not have the money for a paternity test, and I am at a loss of how to proceed. We had the first ultrasound today, and I got to see the baby's heart beating and see the baby moving around. It was such an amazing moment destroyed by the thought that it might not be my moment. If anyone has any experience on the matter, please help me out!

USMC,

Thanks for serving.

You are not even married a year and your WW is in an affair, I would seriously question if the affair didn't start before you were married and is grounds for an annulment. How long did you date before you got married, is the OM married?

God Bless
Gamma

The OM is not married, he was a former coworker, and is not longer in my WW's job or life. The affair was not hidden well and a less trusting H would have seen it plainly. The affair did not last longer than 1-2 months. We dated for a year, were engaged for year, and have been married for a year and a half. An annulment is not happening. Frankly I can not believe that on a website about marriage building, when someone asks for advice on how to deal with an issue while working through a problem the first piece of advice is to end it. If I was looking for advice on how to end my marriage I might have gone to a lawyers website, not marriagebuilders.com

Usmcm,

Welcome to MB and sorry you are going through this.

Please understand that MB is not a site that promotes marriage at any cost,

Gamma's advice was given for your benefit, recovering after an A is really hard, recovering with an OC is even harder, recovering in a new marriage when you are still supposed to be in the "honeymoon" phase yet one spouse has an A is harder still.

People who have been married 10 or 20 years or more have had to work incredibly hard to recover their marriage especially if there is an OC involved.

The final choice is yours, this is your life if you want to recover your marriage then be prepared to make some very tough choice, starting with exposing this A, ensuring there is No contact between your WW and the OM by snooping, having spyware software on her phone and PC and putting protective measures in place (EP's) to ensure the A does not happen again.

most relevant information can be found in the "start here" thread at the top of the page.

Good luck

Magno,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It will likely be one of the worst things that will ever happen in your life. You are not alone though. I see that you have found the pregnancy/child forum. There are lots of good threads on that forum that describe successful marriages after an affair, even with an OC.

Start by getting and reading Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair" as well as the basic concepts on this website.

It is possible to have a wonderful marriage after an affair. The pathway to achieving a great marriage is very specific. First, the affair must end and your wife must commit to no contact for life with the OM. Next, she must put into place extraordinary precautions that would prevent her from getting back with the OM or having an affair with some other man. Finally, the two of you need to build a passionate romantic relationship. You can get the guidance on how to do all that here on MB.

Does the OM know about your wife's pregnancy? If not, don't inform him. The goal would be to have this man out of your lives forever.

AM

AM

USMC,

I say that with some experience, I was an OC, and my birth ultimately doomed my biological mothers marriage, from my first legal fathers standpoint I was a constant reminder of his WWs affair.

If the child is yours then save the marriage, if not perhaps the best thing would be what OM and WW, my biological parents, did for me which was to put me up for adoption.

God Bless
Gamma

When a BH is young and there is an affair it usually better to divorce. Because I have seen to many times where years later the WW had another affair.

Also better when the BH is young to divorce and let the OM and WW marry and raise the OC. The BH's youth will allow him the time to find a better wife and raise a family with her.

Now can a marriage in your situation be saved?

Yes. Specially if you follow DR Harley and MB.

First thing you need to do is get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Does the OM know that your WW is pregnant?

If the answer is no that is good and must be keep that way to keep the OM out of your families life.

Is your WW being transparent so you can verify NC?

Has WW sent the OM a NC letter? That needs to be done.

You and your WW need to be tested for STD's.

You must have a DNA test done. Even if you want to accept the OC as your own it will be much better for you to heal knowing the truth then spending the next 40 + years of your life wondering if your are the bio dad.

Not encouraging to you divorce your WW but to get you to do want has to be done if you want to recover the right way and protect your marriage from further affairs.