I have a question about adjustments when a couple has gotten used to each other after over 10 years and things start to change. The wife did not grown up with a father and looking back it appears a joint husband/father role was in place. The husband's loyalty, love, support and traditional church values were appreciated and he was told so over and over again. All the appreciation and admiration a man needs was expressed during the earlier years. My family background includes having a good father. Once she seemed to heal from not having a dad, so to speak, and got used to the husband then it appears the disagreements started over things like how to raise the kids, which church to attend and general lifestyle issues like going to the club versus going to the movies. It now appears the wife is acting like a teenager and questioning what the husband who has played the husband/father role is saying and doing. This started taking place once she enrolled back in college and now she has graduated. The issue for the husband is he seems to now be interacting with a new person in the same body. The husband is on staff at the church as an associate pastor and the wife wants to do things which she knows are not lined up with church expectations like attend a club and dance. This was not how it was before. The wife is distancing herself from all family duties, fun and day to day interaction by staying in one room and on the computer for hours saying she is looking for a new job. After getting off work she just shuts down, although people she works with see her as a person full of energy, smiling and having fun. Family members on each side of the family are seeing this and wondering what is going on. When asked what is wrong she says "How you act is why I act the why I act." The way the husband acts has not changed. Not yelling, cursing, or physical abuse are in place. For the husband how can he properly interact and deal with this dynamic?

Hi, welcome to marriage builders. Givin the provided info the wifes change of attitude and outings. I would guess she is likely in an affair of some kind. Either emotional or physical. The husband (you I assume) should do some sluething. Get a keylogger on the home pc. Put a var (voice activated recorder) in the car she drives and posssibly set up gps on her phone or some phone keylogger to see what she is saying to people with it. Something feels off about her activity.

Read all you can here starting with the basic concepts. Come back when you have questions. If you find something that looks like it might be an affair (college is full of guys who would likely give her attention and could fall in love if they are meeting her needs unknowingly if she has poor boundries or is not getting them properly met at home) bring your evidence here for us to help you with the next steps.

Rule out an affair
Read basic concepts and all materials on the site
Come back for addidtional support.

Mng

Welcome to MB!

She might have an affair, emotional, physical, doesn't really matter. Please use Operation Investigate to find out what is going on. This has nothing to do with your age.

Affair might be possible but my first thought was wondering if college changed her thinking on some things and maybe she feels constricted by the rules of the church?

Welcome to MB.

Who does your DW(Dear Wife) hang out with when she goes out?

What snooping have you done?
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