I am married to a very distant person. We have been married for about 30 years. In the beginning, it was ok, children quickly came and the family life was fulfilling for me because I involved myself with my children and their activities, etc. Now, as empty nesters, I am beginning to see him and what I have seen I don't like. He makes very, very poor choices and then expects me to bail him out. years ago, he made a choice so bad, it bankrupt us, both financially and emotionally. He was fired from his job, which caused no financial help coming into the home. I have been battling with poor health and unable to work.

So, while we were hungry, unable to pay bills, he decides to become a trucker. He took the last of our money, with me protesting the entire way, and left for trucking stating it would help the family.

OK a year later, and mind you, I felt abandoned, lonely, fighting to remain healthy, no food, barely hanging on to my home and forced to find friends, relatives, etc., willing to help. I was alone and he could care less.

Long story short, the pay from trucking equals about 8.75 per hour, finances have gotten better, despite my doctor's orders, I am trying to work.

I'm ready to walk out. He won't talk to me, I have begged him to see what's going on and he simply won't He has checked out, I believe. The only thing keeping me so far is bc of the length of time Ive already invested. I'm torn, upset, and tired of this torment. Can anyone help?

Welcome to MB.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?
Basic Concepts

With him on the road, how much UA time are you getting a week?

Yes I have read it. No time, on the road, off the road. He's not in the marriage. He on the road 3 weeks out of the month, home for 2 nights, 1 day. No connection made at all during his time at home.

Yesterday was our 31st wedding anniversary and he didn't even call or anything. Then today, he texts me to say he was testing me.

That makes no sense at all. Games?

Has he always been "distant?" Or is this recent? You two live very separate, independent lives. Have you snooped to see if there is an affair? An affair can often lead to someone being/acting very distant.


Evidence of two independent, non-integrated lives. Your life was fulfilling because of your children and your outside activities. Your marriage has been unfulfilling to you for years?


He makes decisions without thinking of you, doesn't he? If you were to ask him if he'd follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, would he agree? The POJA is the foundation of a good marriage. It is SO foundational that Dr. Harley states a marriage will be very unfulfilling, a great disappointment, without it.


In order to have a great marriage, you and your H need to be spending a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just you and him, meeting each other's ENs. No nights apart. Separations are really bad for marriage.

...and again, he's making independent decisions, without care for your opinion.


Unfortunately, you're probably right: he really doesn't seem to care about you.

<<<<<SNIP>>>>>>



I would first snoop to see if he's having an affair. Once you rule the possibility of an affair, he needs to stop his traveling job and agree to do what it takes to make this marriage fulfilling for both of you.

That you have been married for 30 years in a marriage of so little care is not a great reason to consider staying on for more of the same. Your only hope is if he is 1.) NOT having an affair and 2.) if he will agree to do what it takes to create a relationship of extraordinary care. That's how Dr. Harley defines marriage: A Relationship of Extraordinary Care.

Thanks you are probably right!