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I went to see OM2 on Tuesday, he was at the same event last year, his stuff was there but he was not. Has anyone here spoken to an OP after a large number of years and how did you open the conversation. I may revisit perhaps tomorrow.
Since I now know the exact sub-hobby of his there is a good chance I can find him on line, which might produce better results than a direct contact, and less bloodshed lol.
God Bless
Gamma
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Gamma, I can't figure out why you would want to. What good will it do all this time later?
Just lock him in a box (figuratively, of course) and throw away the key.
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Rocketqueen
Gamma, I can't figure out why you would want to. What good will it do all this time later?
What is good is what is true.
Just lock him in a box (figuratively, of course) and throw away the key.
Problem is my wife put him in a keepsake box of cherished memories.
God Bless
Gamma
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What is true is not what will necessarily come out of his mouth, do I wouldn't count on that.
Cherished memories? I think you give the POSOM more value than he actually had. Of course, I don't know what your wife is thinking. What does she say about him? Does she recognize what a piece of scum he was?
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Problem is my wife put him in a keepsake box of cherished memories. Yes! I refer to my WS's memories of the A as his "private box of chocolates" because he is a chocoholic in real life. (Hmmm....was he a chocoholic when with AP in fantasyland?) Cherished memories? Does she recognize what a piece of scum he was? Do any of them truly? How could a WS recognize the AP as the scum and waste they are if WSs are all in danger of the fog returning if/when they ever see the AP again? That would not make sense, would it? It appears to me that reality never fully enters the equation in the mindset of the WS, when thinking about the AP. Maybe I am wrong, but I agree with Gamma; but not sure about contacting OM at this point in time. Will it cause you greater anger? You are bound to be disappointed by his lack of care or concern. Remember, they are all incredibly selfish and do not give a rats a-- for anyone else. Helpful? Do not get me started on how very insincere and unhelpful APs are.
D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012
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FMT, you are early days here. Gamma is talking about an.OM from years ago! They are in recovery and moving on. So, no, it does no good to stir it up now. And you are right, the OM has no care or concern about what he did.
And yes, the wayward does eventually (some sooner than later) realize what trash their APs were. I know kiss does and has told me how much he hates her. I don't know why HE does, but I believe him. Once they are out of the fog, the realizations come. Gamma's wife should have left that fog a long time ago!
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What is true is not what will necessarily come out of his mouth, do I wouldn't count on that.
Cherished memories? I think you give the POSOM more value than he actually had. Of course, I don't know what your wife is thinking. What does she say about him? Does she recognize what a piece of scum he was? She probably does not, and never will. This isn't required for recovery. In truth, this fact is why there is NC for life. But, digging up a sexual relationship from before the marriage 20 years after the fact? Yeah. It doesn't take much to guess what Dr. Harley would say about that. There will be no "closure" here, just picking a scar back into an open wound... a wound that has never been left to heal and constantly picked at by perpetual ruminations.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I went to see OM2 on Tuesday, he was at the same event last year, his stuff was there but he was not. Has anyone here spoken to an OP after a large number of years and how did you open the conversation. I may revisit perhaps tomorrow.
Since I now know the exact sub-hobby of his there is a good chance I can find him on line, which might produce better results than a direct contact, and less bloodshed lol.
God Bless
Gamma Some contextual information: SugarCane,
I don't think you have ever given us a clear timeline.
OM1, 1983'ish, my former best friend, fairly sure it was only emotional, I took care of OM1 case closed.
Married 1990
OM2, 1988-1990, my former co-worker, seemed to be emotional, then physical, then emotional.
OM3, 2003/4?, didn't know about this one she revealed it when I spoke to her about 1, 2 and 4. Around that time OM3 got divorced, but I did see him out and about with different women so I can't say it was my W.
OM4, 2008, really old guy very very unlikely it was physical, was giving my W gifts, she was taking him places, he was heartbroken over the end of contact with my W.
2008 found MB put an end to activity with OM4, couldn't believe W was telling me things OM4 was saying to her that other WW posters on MB were saying their OM had said to them. I was shocked to learn how scripted affairs actually are and that OM read their lines off of a laminated card.
Prior to MB I wanted to do something horrible to OM4s grandchildren.
God Bless
Gamma
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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More context: SugarCane,
You didn't answer my question about D Days. When did you find all these out?
OM1 - not sure, my W came to me crying about him, must have been soon after W fell for him, it was revealed very quickly as far as I know. When I asked her about it a few years ago my W claimed to have forgotten about it at first.
OM2 - Dday was about 6 months before we married I think.
OM3 - Dday was when I questioned her about OM1,2 & 4 a few years ago and she revealed OM3.
OM4 - Dday was when I started reading MB in 2008 and I was shocked that many of the signs of an EA were present. I would always have assumed before that a man that old could not engage in an affair.
The relationship with "OM1" took place years before your marriage. You said that you "took care of OM1 case closed". What does that mean? Did you beat him up?
That could still happen, but no i did not beat him up, in some ways what I did was worse.
Did you find out about him and "take care" of him before you got married?
Yes before I got married I think I waited about 5 years to strike.
Did any of the affair with so-called OM2 overlap your marriage
Yes she continued to work with him after we wed, and wanted to divorce me about a year into our marriage.
God Bless
Gamma
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I went to see OM2 on Tuesday, he was at the same event last year, his stuff was there but he was not. Has anyone here spoken to an OP after a large number of years and how did you open the conversation. I may revisit perhaps tomorrow. The only reason I would recommend talking to an OP would be to warn them off and make love bank deposits with your spouse by showing you want to win them. What is good is what is true. I wouldn't expect you to find any truth this way. Even if this were a truthful person you were dealing with (doubtful), what are the odds he will even remember what you want to know? Problem is my wife put him in a keepsake box of cherished memories. Gamma, I am sorry for the pain this has caused you, but I believe the solution to this is to become your wife's most cherished memory, driving out the pleasure of the others through the contrast effect.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FMT, you are early days here. Gamma is talking about an.OM from years ago! They are in recovery and moving on. So, no, it does no good to stir it up now. Not sure why you are picking on my here RQ. I read the thread and understood that Gamma was talking about an OM from a long ago A. I was merely agreeing with Gamma saying that his wife put OM "in a keepsake box of cherished memories." I totally relate to that fear. I am not in R, but the title of the thread popped up on the main forum and curiosity lured me here. Mea Culpa...I'll go back to my corner. 
D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012
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...in a keepsake box of cherished memories.Good! That's where old flames are supposed to be! Puh-leeeeze, Gamma, tell us you're not trying to slide past us that you don't have your own little box buried with all your ex-crushes, -girlfriends, -lovers? We ALL have them. They are a museum of the life-development that got us where we are as adults. I can recall my first kiss (Kathy, 4th Grade), first make-out session, first.....  ...well, you get the point! With one exception (Nina, who dumped me on VALENTINE'S DAY!), I can look back and smile at each individual relationship from my past. Bride has NO reason to be concerned with any of them... BECAUSE SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME IN OUR PRESENT!So, be EVERYTHING to your wife.
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...in a keepsake box of cherished memories.
Bride has NO reason to be concerned with any of them...BECAUSE SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME IN OUR PRESENT!
So, be EVERYTHING to your wife. No. Your wife has no reason to worry because they were not your OW that you had an affair with.
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Gama, you have been here long enough to know that seeing the OM post affair is a crap shoot.
There is no reason for him to tell you the truth. He can. Though why?
Will he now have a conscience?
Will he realize your need for the truth?
Will the need to protect his butt keep him from telling you the truth?
Is he that much of a dirt bag that he will exaggerate or lie and make up things for his amusement?
Sounds as if your WW has given you too many I don't knows and I don't remembers, with plenty of we never did that's so that you doubt you have the truth now.
Bad to be left without the truth.
What has your WW done to make sure that you have the whole truth?
This thread is another example of why starting new threads is not always the way to go. No way to go to the first page and refresh one's memory of a posters story.
Too many posters. Too many details to remember.
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RQ,
Sorry for taking so long to respond.
What is true is not what will necessarily come out of his mouth, do I wouldn't count on that.
Understood, however it's a bit like what the cops do asking each suspect in isolation from other suspects, each story will contain some truth and some contradiction.
I would also say that more data is better data. I haven't even gotten anything more than the most stained trickle truth, after much torture she says something like "we were just two lonely people" and thinks it is a major admission.
God Bless
Gamma
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Does your WW know that you went to talk to OM2?
What is her take on this?
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Yeah, fair enough, her concerns are probably reduced. But Bride is also smart enough to decline to expend any energy tracking down my ex-flames and "marking her turf" (Can females do that?), warding them off, but also keeping them in the front of my consciousness.
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Gamma,
You've been here a long time. Have you ever thought about emailing Dr. Harley and asking him?
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FMT, you are early days here. Gamma is talking about an.OM from years ago! They are in recovery and moving on. So, no, it does no good to stir it up now. Not sure why you are picking on my here RQ. I read the thread and understood that Gamma was talking about an OM from a long ago A. I was merely agreeing with Gamma saying that his wife put OM "in a keepsake box of cherished memories." I totally relate to that fear. I am not in R, but the title of the thread popped up on the main forum and curiosity lured me here. Mea Culpa...I'll go back to my corner. Aw honey, I wasn't picking on you. The main point is that talking to the AP to get info doesn't do any good. Waywards lie. APs lie. Don't matter if the affair was 2 days ago or 30 years ago. A "keepsake box of cherished memories"?  I don't see how any (*former) wayward can look back and consider their acts of deceit and betrayal as "cherished memories".
Last edited by Rocketqueen; 07/20/13 03:52 PM. Reason: Added *former
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Road,
Does your WW know that you went to talk to OM2?
Nope hope going to see OM now with W we'll see how it goes
God Bless
Gamma
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