My DDay occurred just over a month ago. My husband came clean about his 7 month affair with his coworker. We have been married for 17 years. The last two years of my marriage was very rocky. We were living in a small town and my husband wanted to move our family (2 children) to a larger town with more opportunities. I was disillusioned by the potential I was promised at my job and was so comfortable with small town life that I didn't want to leave. My husband turned down an excellent job opportunity and we stayed. We also went through a period when I wasnt very interested in having sex. I think my husband's weight did play a part, but I just wasn't interested. We fought about it constantly.

In January 2012 I started to realize my marriage was suffering. We began to fight almost weekly about minorthings but the arguments always led to him blaming me for not wanting to move. His job was taking its toll on him and him blamed me. We continued to spiral. He started to hang out more with coworkers after work and spent most of his free time at the gym (he started working out after I stopped wanting to have sex. He lost 70 pounds). I became suspicious that maybe he was having an affair but I couldn't prove it and I refused to believe he would ever hurt me like that. I realized the only way I could save my marriage was to leave that place. He began looking for a new job and in March 2013 we left for a much bigger city.


The first few weeks in our new home were great, but then my son told me he saw my husband emailing a woman who asked him if he was going to the gym. I asked him about it and he denied everything. The two months following that time were horrible for our marriage. Our fighting became more intense. Then for some reason we began to change the middle of May. We talked, spent time alone, and tried to repair our sex life. On June 8 he asked me to go with home to grab a beer. We came home and later I walked behind him and saw he was emailing a woman he used to work with back in the small town we lived in. We fought and he swore it was nothing. He ended up leaving but I begged him to come back. He told me he loved me but refused to make love to me.

The next day he came clean. He said the affair began in November 2012 after months of the other women coming on to him. He would see her after the gym once or twice a week, would talk with her constantly at work, and after we moved, he saw her three times. Once here before me and my children moved here, once she flew down and he took a day off from work in April, and when we flew back to our small town in early May to visit family. He showed great remorse for his affair. He ended it immediately with her via email. He has been transparent and has professed his love for me. We are wokring on getting through this, and he is very supportful. He got frustrated one time because I wanted to ask questions, but since then he has realized that I need to understand the why more than the what and he is supportive. Our sex life is slowly improving. We are trying new thongs and things we haven't done in years. We talk all the time and spend a lot of time walking, going to the gym, and we have date nights.

Last night during our date night he told me that she has emailed him. He said he deleted it immediately and didn't respond. It bothered me and I asked him about it again this morning. He said she may have emailed him more times but he put a filter on his email so they go straight to trash, but not permanently deleted. He says he just wants to ignore her and eventually she will get the hint. Later this afternoon I was looking at his email. She sent him an email that said "I'm sorry I keep bothering you ever day". I immediately brought it up to him. He then said he could recall that she has�emailed him about 4 times and one time last week he responded to a email that said "hi" with "hi". He said that is the only contact he has had. I asked him to tell her to not email him anymore but he wants to just ignore her. He apologized for emailong her and said he was stupid.

What do I do? Do I continue to try to make this work? How can I trust him?
F

Welcome to MB.

Is the OW married? Who did you expose the affair to?

He needs to change all contact information. They need to remain NC for life.

Have you been tested for STD/STI?

Also have you read everything in here?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I'm not quite clear ... do they work together?

The OW just finalized her divorce. Has three kids and my husband thinks by different dads.

He has only told me about the affair. I think my son knows.

I need to go get tested for dyes.

Yes, they did work together. He said she pursued him for months. She told him the thongs he needed to hear that weren't coming from me.

Dr. Harley recommends telling children over the age of 4(age appropriate of course).

Contact her XH he may have had suspicions, but could never confirm it.

Has your WH changed all his contact information?

Affairs are an addiction, so your husband must promise no contact for life. Have him reply with a no contact letter in a reply to one of her e-mails. You will find samples here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558472

You need to expose the affair to the people you know and the people the other woman knows. This will help to end contact for life.

Have you put in place "Extraordinary Precautions?" Find examples on this thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558591&page=1

Finally, have the two of you read Surviving an Affair? You should. And then read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters.

If you follow these steps, your marriage will recover and be better than it ever was.

I took your advice, Justthe3ofus, and asked him to send a no contact letter. He sent it with me watching and now swears that he will never contact her again. He asked that this be the last time we talk about it and he changed his email password.

I still feel horrible though. We argued about it last night and got into a big fight this morning. We did make up and he sent me an email apologizing for emailing her and asked what he can do to make me feel better and help regain trust.

Justthe3ofus, is your story posted? As you can see I am a newbie. Is recovery and a better marriage really possible? We have children and a history. We have endured life in the military. I thought we could get through anything together.
I want to believe him that's its over. Can I? I am struggling with the feeling that all I want is for him to hold me and kiss me? Am I too needy?

Why did he change his password? He needs to make that available to you. He is in no position to hide anything.

And he has no place to dictate to you that the affair not be spoken of again. That's up to YOU. Sit down by yourself and make a list of any question you have about the affair. Present those questions to him. If you believe he is lying, schedule him for a polygraph. You need to have your questions answered to your satisfaction before you can begin recovery. This needs to be a deal-breaker; he doesn't get to negotiate this with you.

Once you've had all of your questions answered, you don't discuss the affair again.

He said he changed it hastily. He has since changed it back. I told him no more secrets and he agrees. We agreed that he won't tell me if she tries to email him but if I ask he will tell me.

We do talk about the affair. I can tell he feels really bad. He says he's so upset with himself. He said he always thought he was a moral and ethical person. I know he needs to work on forgiving himself at the same time I am working to forgive him.

I am done asking the"what" questions about the affair. I am still working through the
"Why's". I think I am almost through all my questions.

Can anybody tell me if they think we are on the right track? Can we really get through this?

We talked about him changing his password. He said he did it hastily and since has changed it back. We also decided that he won't tell me if she emails him but will tell me if I asked. He has looked into getting a new email account,but because of his job it would be very difficult. He said she hasn't responded since he sent the no contact email.

We do talk about the affair. I think I am through the "what" questions(details about what they did) and now am working through the "why" questions.


Are we on the right track? Can we really get through this?

Sorry I double posted.

No, it doesn't really sound like the right track at all - but there is some promise.

I take it exposure has not been done? Your family? His family? Friends? OWs family and friends? Workplace exposure? Do they still work for the same firm?

Little Miss OW doesn't sound like she has had any exposure or bother at all. Why is she being left free to bother your H? She should be apologising to friends and family for her disgraceful behaviour in attacking a marriage.

DO NOT WARN him of exposure. He is very untrustworthy at the moment. Read up on it. Then do it.

Your FIRST task is complete exposure without warning him. If he gets upset about that, he's not serious.

If however he is remorseful he will apologise to everyone. He will also ask for his employer's help in changing his email: "It is essential to protect my wife's pain from this woman's constant harrassment". If he's too chicken to do this, he's not serious and takes a laid-back attitude to your pain.

I would also bet my savings there is ongoing contact with OW that he is actively hiding from you. Probably he is thriving off the continued attention. Can you install a keylogger?

Once you have proof that he is out of control, you can ask for him to voluntaraily install computer surveillance to help keep him accountable.

Oh and the state of your marriage had nothing to do with an affair. Lets stop all that right now. The affair was not any effort to help matters, was it?

You can NOT trust him while he remains addicted to the exciting drama and attention of an affair and is hiding it. Each tiny bit of contact resets the addiction, so he's not even started to become free yet.

With snooping and exposure you can bust up the A. If he gets through withdrawal, you MAY be able to trust him, if he can openly show you much better behaviour than you've seen recently

Please start to take all unproven statements, i.e "he said", with a pinch of salt.

Also, no more fighting. From now on you are fabulous Betrayed Wife with dignity and calm oozing out of her. You are not a screaming wayward. Leave the lack of control to him.

I am trying to get my head around this one. It sounds like "plan appease coping." If OW emails him and he doesn't tell you, then isn't that a secret? Why would you be okay with OW being allowed to continue her assault on your marriage without you being informed? Did you really agree or did WH manipulate you into agreement.?



He will be able to look himself in the mirror when he starts to take ACTIONS to redeem himself and to protect you and the marriage. I would be concerned that he has excuses for why he cannot do things necessary to prevent further contact.

Is exposure really necessary? I've read a few affair recovery books and said exposure should be considered by the situation. We are not close to our families.

I believe my oldest child knows. He's a teenager. His behavior has changed over the past month. He talks to us a lot and actually comes out of his room to hang out with us. Both of my children seem to really like the time mom and dad spend together. They both seem happier now.

Dr Harley does say there are a very few exceptions from immediate exposure, such as a violent spouse. This is only because safety is more important than recovery.

However he says recovery WITHOUT exposure is impossible. No one can become honest while still keeping secrets! I've never seen a secretive WS on these boards ever let go of an affair. They always carry on. However I have seen exposure work many times.

There arent any valid reasons I can see to avoid exposure in your post, other than your spouse's well earned embarrassment. Which is the whole point of exposure.

How else can he change his work email? As long as she emails him, or can, the A is on.

Also if your child is over the age of four, they should know. Dont lie to your child when their family has been attacked. That is a major, disastrous secret to keep from them.

Before the A, your H believed he could do it because it would be swept under the carpet. Prove this belief worng.

By exposing him you give him the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is. He has to stand up for himself in front of many disappointed persons and say, "I messed up, but with all you watching me I hope I can prove to you that henceforth, I am actually a moral and ethical person than made a huge error in judgment".

Absent exposure he gets to continue ACTING like the moral and ethical person he always portrayed himself to be while living in shame and fear of the truth of his recent behavior being brought into the light at any time. That shame of carrying that secret will eat at him. He'll continue distancing himself and sitting idly in fear. Fear leads to sin. In the end, shame and fear are NOT overcome by keeping secrets.

It's NOT punishment...it's an opportunity to redeem himself publicly in the face of all those that matter.


Again...do not discuss exposure with him. Just do it. He'd prefer to hide in shame and fear under the FALSE illusion that he's a good guy. Recent waywards don't think logically. It'll take time for him to agree that you were a strong woman that he didn't deserve what he did to you and that exposure was the absolute best thing for him.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

p.s. - Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing. Stand up for speaking the truth in your home, family and marriage.