I have been reading your posts for quite some time and I have found the information incredibly informational. I have tried to hang on and not become too hostile. I have been with my husband for 25 years. I love him but I do not know who he has become. He associates with very undesirable people and has hurt and ashamed me more than you can imagine. I am a very hard working upper management female who has been working since 15, paid my way through college, purchased our home and bought his truck and boat. His income level, until the past few years has been inconsistent and I have been the main bread winner, supporting him and our daughters over the past 25 years. So here it goes.

In 2004, my 9 year old daughter found graphic porn displayed on his computer when she walked into his bedroom. He promissed he would never look at it again. I believed him but found cookies, etc on the computer and would rant and rave when I would try to tell him how it made me feel and that it was wrong. I, like many women who have been married for over 20 years, was coerced into allowing my husband to take intimate photo's of me to make him happy. He promised they would be the best present I could ever give him and that way, when I was at work or on a business trip he would have pictures of me to keep him company and he would not look at porn. I agreed and in 2011, discovered he had been sharing these photo's with his friend and was still viewing the porn.

I have never been unemployed until March 2011 when 1 out of 3 became unemployed, I was out of work for 2 months when this happened. He asked me several times to have sex with his friend for 500.00 as a way to make money. His friend's wife had breast cancer, of course I said no, I was furious. When I confronted him about it after I came out of the shock, he said it was no big deal, he understood that I was not going to do it and I shouldn't be that upset. I completely shut down at this point. I believe I began to have a mental breakdown and cried for 4 days straight. I had a new job within 2 months and was determined to never let this happen again.

Prior to all of this, I discovered that he had had an affair on me but did not have proof. So I hired a detective who gave me the proof but the images were very blurry and I could not believe that he would have ever done this. I thought that if I was better looking, skinnier, made more money I could make it stop, that was how he got the truck and the boat. He promised me that he would make enough money each month to cover the cost of both of the loans, he did not and I ended up covering all of the bills and mortgage which caused me to work more hours; it was a mess.

I had no family or support mechanisms and my family and friends were over 1200 miles away. I was very isolated and alone going through all of this and given that I was trying to forget that he had an affair when I was unemployed and all the rest of these issues happend I became very focused on trying to save him, my daughters and my marriage.

In my illogical mind, I believed that if I could get him away from these friends he had that thought porn, open marrages, etc were ok, then I could get back my marriage and the man I married. I did not like my new job and had an interview opportunity in my old home town making a large sum of money. All of our family is there, his and mine and our old friends., so I told him I was taking a vacation with my daughters and going for a job interview. That was 1.5 years ago. I asked him to do 5 things and I would come home, he didn't need to do all 5, just enough to show me that he cared about us. 1. Stop seeing his friend that wanted to pay to have sex with me; 2. Find out about health care costs because this was the 1st time in my life we did not have health coverage through my employer; 3. Find out about scholarships for our daughers; 4. Stop watching porn; 5. Stop his bad habit. He did not do any of these and still hasn't.

I talk to him a few times every day on the phone, he talks with his daughters, I have paid all his bills including mine and I keep asking him to move here to be with us and leave his friends and he says no. I confronted him about his affair a few weeks ago and he says he has changed and for us to move back. He never appologized for his affair but he did tell me I was the best. He said he was sorry about the pictures and the proposition but still doesn't understand why I can't let it go and move back home. He thinks I am the one with the problem because I don't like porn.

I want him to come here, go for counceling with me and work on our marriage for 1 year. He says he doesn't want to because it is cold and he does not have a job here(he is self employed) so he still stays in our house. He is starting to pay the bills down there. I can't do this for much longer. The sad part is that I don't believe him any more and I don't believe that he has changed, I don't know if he is still having the affair and I don't know if it ended or he is seeing someone else.

I have sacraficed everything for him, bought him everything he asked for to make him happy but I won't ruin my daughters or myself any longer. It does not make sense to me, that a man who loves his wife and his children, after making such a mistake would not try to part water to be with them to try to rectify the situation. I actually accused him of having an affair with his male friend and his wife and I did not receive a response, no yelling, no nothing, just dead silence. Later on that day, we had a normal phone call, I love you, etc, like the call did not even take place. The behaviour makes me think that I was right to accuse him and this is the reason he does not want to move up here.

I want to move back but if I move back and he has not changed I do not know what I will do and I will be alone without any support mechanisms. I have read your love busters and have been working on myself. I have emailed him your link about honesty and he has not read it. I don't know what to do, I don't want to give up on my marriage but I don't want to move back to the same problem, his friends have a great a hold on him. I thank you in advance for your insites.

Hi, 25years. Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Your husband actually wanted you to have sex with a friend for money? That is one of the most devastating things I have heard on this forum.

I would suggest that you get your post moved over into the "Surviving an Affair" section of the forum. You will get more attention for your situation there, from experienced posters dealing in infidelity. Your husband will need to make a lot of changes if your marriage is going to be recovered.

To get your post moved, click "notify" to send a message to the moderators, asking them to move it.

I think doing all five of those things sounds good! Since he hasn't done ANY of them, I would tend to say that it is a very good idea for you to stop seeing or talking to him, for your own emotional protection.

I'm sorry for your loss, for that's what it is. He doesn't want to change and come back. You should respond by not supporting him anymore. No money, no material goods.

Hi Thank you very much for your feedback. I have notified them. It is nice to hear that you have a great relationship.Have a great day.

Hi, thank you. It is hard to let go and stop believing in some type of miracle but I think you might be right. Have a wonderful day.

You have been through way too much abuse. If there is a miracle to be had here, it will be found through the profession services available at the Coaching Center found at the top of this page.