My husband says that I am not meeting his sexual "need" for BDSM/spanking/anal sex---all of which are considered abusive and unloving by me. Regardless of any efforts he might spend on explaining his "needs" and desires and requesting politely....I can not concede to his desires. How do I respond if he accuses me of pride and disrespect and "not willing to meet his needs" I understand the Policy of Joint Agreement, however there is NO win-win way I can think of to "satisfy" him and he resents my firm "No, that is not ok with me." What do I do?

There is an article here that I can't quickly link where Dr. Harley says that marriage is mutual extraordinary care and that to get what one wants (him) when the other spouse is not in agreement (you) shows that he himself is not caring about you. Meeting the need for sex is not about doing what he wants, it's about both of you enjoying the experience together. If you don't enjoy it, his arguments as to how you are supposed to be doing it are null and void.

Him accusing you of pride and disrespect because you won't concede is a disrespectful judgement on his part, a tactic to get what he wants no matter how you feel about it.

You can't argue the point, but you can stay firm with saying I don't want to do that. It's okay to say "no" to doing something you know you won't feel good about yourself doing.

These are not needs; fulfilling sex can be accomplished in other ways than through these specific acts he wants.

Tell your H fine. He wants to do anal so you will wear a strapon and ask him if it will be ok to use the wooden spoon because you do not want to hurt your hand. He seems to want to do it so he should take it. Take it with a smile.

The solution, as you have already surmised, is with the Policy of Joint Agreement. You both need to work this problem. Since the default condition of POJA is to do nothing, I suspect that no SF until you both come to an enthusiastic agreement just might motivate a solution.

Maybe I missed it, but I don't see what problem there is here to negotiate. I think Colt was clear that she will never be in enthusiastic agreement to his solution of BDSM etc. as a means to fulfill his need for sex.

Colt, are you otherwise meeting the need of SF? If he keeps badgering you about this way of meeting SF instead of throwing that nonworkable solution away, then you seriously need to consider the article "When to call it quits."

If the scope of the discussion is only whether or not he can have it his way, well then, it will get nowhere. This couple needs to POJA the entire topic of SF. There have got to be ways that they can both be enthusiastic. This problem should not be approached as dueling dictators; he makes a demand and she says no way. They need to work the problem with POJA.

Yeah.... he should stop watching porn...

Yep.

Absolutely.

Let me clarify what I am trying to say:

POJA steps:
1) Suspension of SF.
2) Open discussion.
3) Find those solutions to SF that you are both enthusiastic about.
4) Close discussion.
5) Resume SF in compliance with the agreement.

If he ever wants to suggest X,Y, or Z that is not included in the agreement above, then you can reopen the discussion, starting with step 1.

Thank you all. I appreciate the clarity and confirmation. Yeah, I wish our whole society had never been influenced by porn. However, I am encouraged to continue to cheerfully suggest the use of POJA, affirming willingness to meet ALL HIS SF needs.....in a mutually satisfying fashion. Just wondered if there was another approach, but sounds like I just need to concentrate on the cheerful willing attitude to negotiate within the POJA without any emotional or angry outbursts on my part. Thanks all. Will endeavor to carry on and hope for the best!

Does your husband view porn, colt? This is a form of infidelity and creates an atmosphere of unrealistic sexual activities for a married couple. He should not be viewing porn. The people depicted on porn websites are out for the money they can make from depicting behavior that is unrealistic and/or deviant for many/most married couples.

Your husband needs to stop viewing porn if he is doing so. Have you discussed this with him?

colt, I want to chime in and second this. Pornography is usually offensive to most wives, and your husband needs to stop any behavior that is offensive to you. Moreover, even if you are not bothered by it, it creates unrealistic expectations (as maritalbliss noted, people in pornography are depicting very unrealistic acts that are usually not pleasurable to both husband and wife - instead they are getting financial compensation), and it creates a contrast effect: you will look less appealing by comparison.

I encourage you to tell your husband that you are not okay with him viewing porn, and to check up on him to verify that he does not use it. My wife previously used monitoring software on my computer to secretly check that I was not viewing porn, and I think that this is a great idea.

BrainHurts--Where is this quotation from? And do you know who it addressed? I have a guess but would like to know.

To all--Thank you again. Husband not a regular viewer of porn--at least not historically. But probably exposed as a youth and has "stumbled across" some on internet. Thus, the seeds become implanted in the mind. I do not think regular porn VIEWING--but I know he has exposed himself to some porn literature--which ultimately promotes the same thing---a VERY unrealistic (and definitely not love-based) depiction of a marital relationship. I have communicated that any porn (pics or literature) is unacceptable to me. I am hoping that a commitment to POJA combined with a non-judgmental, non-emotional reaction on my part will result in an eventual realization that self-interest (vs mutual care) is counter-productive to his own ultimate happiness. Thank you for the confirmation. I have to concentrate on not getting upset over his "desires" and just pointing back to agreement of POJA and hope for the best. I believe if I stay firm and cheerful it will just eventually force his decision. To desire mutuality or to choose to not be married. If I do my part to meet his needs as best I can without sacrificing my convictions it will reveal his true desires....marriage or self.

Here it is.
Lightsout's Thread

Thank you.

Your husband might understand it this way... Financial support is also one of the ENs. Would it really be a need if the wife stated telling the husband that he needed to make $500,000 in order to feel supported. And that part of meeting her need for FS would be welt trips to the salon, nail place, clothing shopping, and etc

I understand that you do not like spanking, bandage, and anal. You should most definitely tell him that you are not comfortable with these things. I would not tell him that you think they're gross and other adjectives that would make him ashamed. My wife loves *EDIT* on occasion and at times finds *EDIT* very enjoyable. We both like to try new things but we also are okay with saying 'no. I didn't enjoy that' or 'no. I'm not comfortable in trying that.' What we won't do is make each other feel embarrassed.

Good Point about Financial Support. Good idea to use an example from a different EN to put things in perspective. I think that may help. Thanks.

If what he desires is a deal breaker for him, then he should have married someone who was enthusiastic about meeting that need.
Much like if you really love Hiking and wanted to Hike all the time and Hike with your spouse, you should marry someone else who also loves hiking and not a homebody.

But this is looking at the past. The point is that they are married NOW and they NOW need to POJA a mutually agreeable answer to their issues.