I am pretty new to this site. I have gotten a lot of great information so far, but I need a little advice. My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years and together for 15. We have 2 wonderful kids. Our daughter is 8 and son is 6.
A lot of information has just come out between the two of us. My wife all of a sudden came out and said she has been unfaithfull for 3 years with one guy. I also have not been faithfull to her either. I cheated with 2 different girls. One lasted for about a year and the other was very short. I told my wife about both and told her it was only for sex. At that time my wife and I were only making love maybe once a month. She told me that hers was emotional. She wasnt in it for the sex. She liked the feeling he gave her.

Now my problem. I love her very much. I honesly do think this was a wakeup call for me and it did make me realize how much I do love her. I want to try to work things out, but she is not willing. She says I have never given her the feeling that she gets from him. I said we need time to figure things out and everything she says is that it is too late and there is no saving us. She is very stubborn and she is convinced I will never make her feel like she does with him. She does also continue to text him. She says they havent met up anymore, but I think it is just a matter of time before they do. She says she misses him and she does not let me in at all. She told me not to touch her or tell her that I love her anymore because she needs to figure things out.

I am worried that she is going to file for divorce before she gives us time to recover or for me to even have a chance to see if things will work. She did tell me last night she is willing to go to a counseller, but Im not sure if she will have an open mind. It just seems like she already has her mind made up to leave.

Any advice, please help

This is the usual state things get into at one time or another in the progression.

She is not "comparing apples to apples". She is comparing what it feels like to date like a teenager with no attached responsibility, to a guy who doesn't pay her bills, wipe any noses, change any diapers, care for her when she's sick, or even "be there" for her during THE PROBLEM. He's only "there for her" during the time of fun and games.


No, she has never given herself the feelings with you that she gives herself when she's with him.

She is attributing the giddy, "in-love" euphoria she can engage in because of the lack of responsibility of her affair, to "him", when in reality, it is only the fairy-tale which provides it. There cannot be "fairy-tale" with you, because there are problems, responsibilities, children, bills, houses to clean, meals to cook. With him, she's only meeting him at leisure, "fun" stuff, and she doesn't have to think about going home with him to wash the skid marks out of his skivvies.


And, if she has, there's not a cotton-pickin' thing you can do about it.

The best advice I have for you is this. I'm not sure it will work or not.

"PLAN B":

Let go. Completely. Provide NOTHING. Nothing emotional, nothing physical, nothing financial. Let her fall completely and totally upon the "other man" for EVERYTHING.

Let him be the one to wipe her nose, pay her bills, hold her when she cries.


My guess would be, if you make the "drop" SUDDEN, and COMPLETE...
the OM will dump her, because the free ride he gets from her is over....he doesn't want a wife, he wants a girl friend. This
will turn his girl friend into a wife. Not only a wife, a needy, dependent, wife-who-isnt-getting-her-itches-scratched.

Also, suddenly, for her, a major element of the affair goes away. The one of the emotional and financial needs being met by you. The affair "high" needs BOTH men to continue.

It's a bit like a twin-engine airplane. One is not a "spare". It has two, because it needs two.

With one engine out, that airplane becomes an unmanageble ball of mush you must fight all the way to the ground, it is not going to stay in the air. The best you can hope for is to limp to somewhere you can land it.


So what?

Marriages are made by God, divorces are made by men. Nothing made by men can withstand that which is made by God.

The only thing necessary for two divorced people to be married again is to go get a license and find a preacher or JP.

No courts, no lawyers, no decrees or judgements. Just do it.

Divorces only serve to protect the interests of the people and the children involved. They do nothing to "tear asunder" what "God hath joined together".

If the marriage is wanted, no divorce can stop it. If the marriage is not wanted, not having a divorce doesn't keep it being a marriage.

THIS WAS A DUPLICATED POST

If you want to save your marriage, you are both going to have to make radical changes to your thought processes about marriage. Restoring your M is not only probable but most possible if you follow the MB program.


Dr. Harley has been saving marriages for over 40 years! Without this program, I truly believe that my FWW and I would be divorced. It works.


Are you familiar with the basic concepts on this site?

What would your W say are her biggest complaints about you?

Dr. Harley would not suggest Plan B at this point!

Plan B ??? IMMEDIATELY?????

NO!

The first step MUST be to expose her affair to her entire world - her family, her friends, her colleagues, her sorority sisters, hairdresser, clergy, EVERYONE in her life.

She may well, in the future, throw the divorce grenade, but with a full exposure in place, her action will come across not as, "We had problems in our marriage, so we divorced!", but, "I was whoring around with my AP, and decided to abandon my family!" That kind of "baggage" might dissuade her from bolting!

I have read through some of the basic concepts and I also had my wife look at the site and she did agree what was said about why people have affairs is true and does sound like what happened, but she refuses to believe or accept that.

I did ask her what she didnt like about me and she doesnt give much of an answer. She just says that its all the little things, like I dont dance with her when she wants me to or I dont help around the house as much as she would like. She keeps coming back to the "feeling" she gets with him, but she cant describe it.

Another thing I forgot to mention is the BF also is married with 3 kids and this isnt the first time he has cheated on his wife.

First my friend, you are going to have to take some difficult steps.

Exposure.

Dr. Harley greatly advocates breaking up the fantasy relationship by exposing it to everyone. Family, friends, her boss and HR if it was a workplace A.

This does 2 things. First, it sheds a massive light on this disgusting behavior typically speeding up it's demise. It will also help you gain support, which you are going to need.


SECOND: you have to find out why your M degraded and takes steps to fix it.

If I were you...I would print up 2 copies of the EN's questionnaire and 2 copies of the LB's questionnaire on this site.


Get to the bottom of specifically WHAT you are doing wrong. Then correct it! The EN's questionnaire will help you understand what she wants in her M and then you can start focusing on meeting these needs the best you can.

Second, once you find out what LB's you are committing, you can correct them today. Stop withdrawing love units from your account!

IF you don't bust up this A..your M will never have a chance.

Pay this POS a visit. Tell him to leave your WIFE alone or he is going to have hell to pay.

And, understand, that even IF you do these things, which are all good advice, there's still a chance it won't work.

Dr. Harley's success ratio is higher than others, however, it's not 100%.

Plan B can occur couple days after plan A is finished. The idea in view is that you can save with less "damage" if A works without going to B.

Sometimes the exposure is enough by itself. Sometimes not, and plan B has to be done. In most cases, plan B is necessary, I think. I don't hear of many who resolve it at A.

I should have been clearer about that.

***EDIT***

I think you really need to check against Dr. Harley, because you are contradicting him on several points. Dr. Harley does NOT advise a husband to go into Plan B within days after exposure. Dr. Harley usually advises a man to Plan A as long as possible, for at least six months, and sometimes up to two years.

Plan B does NOT usually save a man's marriage, so please don't hand out this advice without understanding. We do not want to eliminate the only chance somebody has to save their marriage.

luvmywife1, please carefully examine what Dr. Harley has to say, and check the advice that people give you here against it. Other approaches are NOT the same and do not have the same success rate.

tfkeel, this poster should NOT go to Plan B at this point. Dr. Harley recommends Plan A first, here. He needs to expose this affair and begin Plan A.

Welcome.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

So a little update. Our whole family just got back from a vacation. I was a little worried about how the vacation was going to go with all that has happened lately, but the vacation has been planned for months and it was to visit some friends. The vacation went pretty well and we all had a good time.

The day before we left for the vacation, my wife told me that she wanted to give "us" time and she wanted to try to work this out. I was very happy and asked her why the change of heart all of a sudden. It sounds like she had been texting him, and she was telling him her feelings towards him and he wasn't really responding. Sounds like thankfully he was done with her before she was ready to be done with him.

So, on the vacation the first 2 days were pretty good. She would hold me a little and she did say "I love you" to me when I said it to her, which she hasn't said to me for a while now. After the first 2 days, I could tell she was drifting away again and she again started saying that she doesn't know if it will ever work out between us and that she needs to have that "feeling" she had with him and doesn't know if I can give that to her. She also continues to say that we should not have to "change" for each other. That there is someone out there for each of us that will be happy with the way we are and we won't have to change for the other person. I disagreed and said that we do have to change for each other and that we can make each other happy, but it takes work.

I don't know how to get through to her without seeming pushy and that I am trying to force her to have feelings she thinks she will never have for me.

I have still been kissing her on the forehead or cheek and telling her that I love her and she told me she said she feels "awkward" when I do that because she doesn't return it. I said I didn't care that she doesn't return it, but I still need to show her affection.

I would like the fill out the EN and LB questionnaires with her, but I don't know if she would be willing because every time I mention something about this website she gets upset. I had her read some of the information on here a while ago and she did kind of agree with it, but I don't think she liked hearing the information that was on here. I told her that if it wasn't for this website, I probably would have given up and she just says "sometimes I just wish you would have".

How do I get through to her and should I keep showing her the little bit of affection that I am showing her? I don't want to push her away anymore.
How do I get the information out of her that is in the questionnaires without bringing up the website? I want to correct what I am doing wrong and make this work.

Much of what your WW is saying is typical fog babble. It will continue until her affair is dead and gone. You will need to do the best plan A that you can without expecting encouragement from her. But first, the affair must end. Have you fully exposed the affair? With your wife still texting the guy, you are wasting your plan A efforts on an active affair. If you stay on this track, you will eventually exhaust your love bank and your marriage will end. There are steps you need to take to kill the affair. It starts with exposure.

Iluvmywife - you also need to expose yourself for your affairs. Are you still in contact with either of your affair partners? Were they married?

You will both need to put in place extraordinary precautions to make sure neither of you have another affair.

I am not in contact any longer with either of the women I was with. My wife has also stopped texting the guy because she was expressing her feelings to him, but he was not expressing feelings for her any longer.

As of today mainly, she has started trying to argue with me about everything. Tonight she also actually got pissed at me gor being nice. Is this a good or bad sign?

Conflict is better than her being in withdrawal. Is she willing to write a no contact letter and follow the MB program for recovery?

Have you exposed the affair?

I honestly dont think as of yet she would be willing to follow the MB program.

The affair has not been exposed.

When are you exposing?

Do you have your exposure list together?