Well let me tell you my story .... DD was 6 months ago and we are trying to recover. I am the WS that had a year long affair. The first few months me and my H could not live life , at all. There were a lot of days spent in bed crying and holding on to each other , I had crushed my H heart and my own as well. There were lots of long nights we had crying and discussing what happened . It has been a roller coaster of emotions... Sadness , anger, frustration ,confusion , guilt ! All of these tears , all of these emotions all of this mess is from what I did, WOW talk about a punch in the gut...not only did I completely destroy any trust my H had for me I also destroyed our marriage our family our friendship and life as we knew it. The pain of hurting him killed me inside and still does. Now we are in recovery and both of us want to save our marriage . There are days that look more promising than others . Now that the initial extreme sadness is gone my H says mean stuff to me to hurt me he also comments on every woman he possibly can on how good she would be in bed. I know I deserve this after what I did . I just wonder how long do I allow this? Do I forever have to let him say these things or is it unacceptable after a certain point? Also my H had a one time sexual encounter with my sister about 5 years ago... I never got an apology (until now) and was never to mention it. I had to deal with that on my own and I did . He also admitted to having an emotional texting affair for 3 months a couple years ago. I have forgiven him for both and feel like I deserve that. My H feels like he is entitled to 4 more affairs because I had sexual encounters with the OM 5 times, is he entitled to that? I don't feel like he is, am I being selfish? I don't like that he says he wants us to work this out but yet insists he gets to hook up with 4 more woman. Am I being unfair and selfish? I love my H with all my heart and have expressed my extreme guilt and sadness for what I have done . He knows that I am sincerely sorry and will do whatever it takes to get us through this together . We have been married for 13 years have one son . There are days I feel like the worst person , mother and wife.

Hello, Awful, and welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

In your situation, the rules that you have both been living by have led BOTH of you to be unfaithful. The most important thing is going to be for the two of you to change the rules you live your marriage by. Neither one of you should be having opposite sex friendships, nights apart, or any part of your life private from each other.

I would encourage you to plug into the following resources to learn how to repair your marriage:

Infidelity: What every couple should know (Video featuring Dr. Willard Harley)

How to Survive Infidelity (Q&A columns by Dr. Harley)

The book Surviving an Affair

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Marriage Builders Videos

Marriage Builders Radio

First things first....

Hit "notify" at the bottom of this note and have this thread moved to "Surviving An Affair." You and he are NOT in recovery!

Are you familiar with the MB plan for Recovery? Based on what you are saying, I am going to guess no.

If not, order SAA, LB's, and HNHN's TODAY. These will be your guide to restoring your marriage.

First though, a few observations/questions.


1) STOP Love Busting each other. These are creating MASSIVE LB withdraws. You both have to stop today. Stop hurting each other.

2) EN's. What is your H's top EN's? Are you meeting them?

3) UA time. How much UA time are you getting per week?

4) Are you both willing to make radical changes and enter into a plan for recovery?

5) What were his top complaints about the marriage? His complaints about You? What are your complaints about him?

Welcome to mb. First off. Your hubby is NOT entitled to sleep withh women 4 more times (in his mind 2 wrongs make a right? Didn't we learn about that in elementary school?).

Your hubbies badgering and lovebusting comments are not warrented either. You. BOTH should be exposing to OM and OW on both your parts to keep you both accountable and answering all each others questions (also letting the AP's in both your scenerios family know the danger they repesent to other peoples marriages etc) but at some point in order to recover it will have to end once both of you feel you have all the details and truth you need to begin recovery.

Once that has been established no more affair/ negative relationship talk. How can you begin to feel love for each other if your both in a mind state of constant reminder of your unfaithfulness to each other. Resentment breeds more resentment. Just thinking the negative thoughts about each other will give you both anxiety and continue to deplete love bank balances. Not healthy for your marriage

Keep posting and reading all you can. Maybe send your hubby here so we can help him too.

MNG