I've been reading on here a lot lately and it just floored me when I read the signs of a cheating spouse. My wife exhibits almost all of them. I have had my suspicions in the past and have even asked her. She says "I would never do that". But yet I still have that gut feeling. So flashback to January. She tells me that she is thinking that she wants a divorce. Well long story short, we worked it out. Or so I thought. We moved to a new area last Sept. and she transferred in her job (large dept store chain) to a city about 30 minutes from here. And she started talking about this guy Chris that she worked with about he was the only competent person in her dept. Then he got moved to a different dept. and she was not happy. Well, I thought nothing of it until I remembered her facebook password (she has since changed it and I no longer can see that) one day and saw discussions how she would badmouth me to him and then there was some light sexual talk. So without letting her know that I was on her facebook, I asked her about her having an affair. She denied it. But said that she had guy friends at work. I asked about sexual discussions which she admitted to. Well this guy Chris kept popping up. She started liking the same stuff and reading the books he suggested to her. I told her that I didn't want her to have anything to do with him but she would always say that he is just a friend that she only briefly talks to on the rare occasion that he walks by her dept. So I said "if that's all, then why can't you drop him to make me happy and give me piece of mind"? She says, "because you're forcing me" Which I wasn't, I told her that it just made me very uncomfortable. Well things got worse when I stopped into her workplace to see her one day and this Chris kept starring at us. Then while I was waiting for one of our kids to get out of the bathroom Chris walked by me and had this smug look on his face. I just wanted to beat him to a pulp! So I asked her again to drop him. She got really mad this time. Things are better again, but I have this gut feeling that she's hiding something and may just be "putting on the dog" until she can figure out a way to leave. So I have been going crazy trying to figure out how to get him out of the picture. I want to confront him, but that will make the wife even more ticked. So I thought about making an anonymous email to the large dept stores home office and try to get him fired, but it just seems evil. My wife and I are both christians...well until he came along. Now she doesn't want anything to do with church. It just seems like if I can get him gone, then everything would be better. None of her current behavior happened until she met chris.

Hi, Sam. Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for you going through what your wife is doing.

I suspect that your wife has habitually led a lifestyle that leads to affairs: opposite sex friendships, and an unwillingness to keep her life open and transparent to you. Your move and her new job may have broken up a previous relationship, but because she didn't change her behavior around men she quickly kindled a new affair.

You need to expose this affair to your family, her family, her employer, and the other man's wife and family. Exposure is the single most effective step you can take to disrupt her affair. With the affair gone, the two of you can rebuild your marriage.

Here is some very helpful guidance for you on exposure:
Exposure 101

The thing is that I don't want a divorce at all. I will do anything to prevent it. I was a jerk to my wife for the first 12-13 years and finally saw the light. Not that her behavior was any better, but I still took full responsibility for it. She even admits that I have done nothing wrong. That it's her. She says that she feels worthless and empty inside. I have been trying to do nothing but love her and build her up since I confronted her about chris. We decided to start over and forgive and forget the past. But it seems that she has not done that. For me divorce would be the worst thing ever. I grew up the child in 2 divorces. I hate divorce with a passion. I love her more than I ever have. I even told her that I would forgive her for anything, even an affair. She just looks at me with a funny look. Not only would I be losing a woman that I have chosen to love, but I would lose out on part of my children's lives and it would hurt them greatly. I would also lose my job as I am now a minister. Which is why we moved here. This is my fault that I'm in this situation. I just want to fix it. Everything that she says is a contradiction. It drives me nuts!!! She also will not wear her ring because she says that it scratches her. Even though she once said that nothing would stop her from wearing it. I just feel so hopeless.

Your wife needs to be separated from this man or your marriage has no chance of survival. There is nothing evil about asking for help. And there is nothing evil about taking a sinful situation public for help when it is affecting you personally. What is evil is HAVING AN AFFAIR!

But don't send anything anonymously. Sign your name to it. You need management to scrutinize this situation carefully, because that scrutiny will eliminate a lot of the attractiveness of the affair and help it to start dying.

The suspected OM is a single little punk that is 8 years younger than her. He works in the tire and lube center in her store which is right next to her dept. he is in the army reserves, so that makes him something special in her mind. Even though the truth is that he's a loser that changes oil for his job and plays video games and preys on women in his spare time.

We understand, Sam. Most of the posters here have been through an affair and have also wanted to keep their marriages. Dr. Harley's plan to restore a marriage after an affair works when followed. But first you have to disrupt the affair.

Please start getting educated with the links I am posting to you. In the video, Dr. Harley will talk about his amazement at discovering that not only did people want to recover their marriages after an affair, but that his plan could help them do it. And in the exposure thread, you will find instructions on how to disrupt this affair, which is the enemy that is killing your marriage.

If you start working this plan, there is a very good chance that you can prevent divorce.

One amazing thing about affairs is how similar they all seem to be to each other. In particular, people having an affair usually "affair down." They pick someone who is not as attractive or successful as their spouse. It just seems extremely common.

Start reading through the material here to learn how to save your marriage.

Thank you. I will get to reading.

Before exposing, you need data.
You need to be a super sleuth, read up on it.
Get a keylogger installed, GPS in her car, voice activated recorder in her car, get a list of all his friends off of facebook.
Get phone records and text records from phone company (each company is a little different)
At the least it is an inappropriate emotional contact(still highly disrepsctful), worst it is full on physical and emotional affair.
Collect your recon, then you can act.
Word to the wise, brace yourself for the unpleasentness you will find. Might want to have a trusted friend listen to whatever tape recordings you obtain first.

Be cool, and James Bond like. Now is the time for Plan A (no lovebusters)

I will get to reading.

Reading is good; snooping is better!

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

I'm sorry you're here Sam, but you have come to the right place.

Your wife is in the fog of an affair. She is addicted to the POSOM (other man), and she not same person you married. We like to say here that her mind has been kidnapped by aliens. That's the power and evil allure of an affair.

You need to snoop hard right now, and compile concrete evidence of the affair. Put key logger softer on her cell phone and the computer that she uses. If you are able to do that, you will get enough hard evidence. Read the Operation Investigate link on the forum home page for more information on this.

Once you have done that, you should expose the affair to your family, the other man's family and spouse if he has one, and her workplace. There is a proper method for exposure, which we will take you through later. You also need to confront this weasel once the exposure has happened. Chances are he will back down.

After the exposure is done, you need to work with your wife.

She must promise no contact for life, and write a letter which you see yourself is mailed or e-mailed to him. There are sample no contact letters we will share with you.

You must also get into what Dr. Harley calls Plan A. The following link explains what the are:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

If you can break up this affair, there is hope that you can repair your marriage. If you follow the principles for a happy marriage that Dr. Harely writes about on this site and in his books (start with Surviving an Affair, and then read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters), you can have a marriage that is happier and better than ever. You really can.

But this is a process, and it takes a long time. To manage this crises best, please take the advice of those readers here who have helped countless others through these very rough waters. The principles work and they give you the very best chance you have of recovering your marriage.

Sam, be clear: your wife is a big girl. She's no Pollyanna who was blindsided by this guy's attention. She is an EQUAL PLAYER in this affair. Her boundaries are poor. I want you to be clear on this because I don't want you to think that your wife is a victim; sir, she is NOT. Your recovery will depend upon your understanding of how affairs begin. Read Dr. Harley's notes on that here.

To "forgive and forget" can often be the same as "enabling"

I've been listening to His Needs, Her Needs on my daily walk. This stuff is killing me. I can see the path to restoring our marriage crystal clear. But she could care less. I mean she has been very affectionate and loving. She talks about our future and seems to want to be in this marriage. But her spiritual life, as I found out yesterday, is being faked. We pray together every night but she never has anything that she wants to pray about. If I pry and ask if she's sure, she gets angry with me. I know that she's hiding sin and doesn't want it exposed but it just cuts me deep to see it and makes me wonder if she is being fake with the affection and everything else too. My gut says that I am just her safety net and she's waiting for something to happen so that she can just leave. In fact I am getting really nervous because the OM just got a big promotion. It will take him out of her store, but will also make it easier to support her too. She tells me that she feels like she is suffocating sometimes. I have decided to ask her to read His Needs, Her Needs. But I am afraid that she may see it as an act of horning in on her privacy and it will make things worse. I am at the end of my rope. All I have left is my faith in God.

You have received some great advice from people who have been through this and understand Dr.Harley's principles to save a marriage.

Have you snooped and gathered evidence? This is absolutely necessary as the first step in surviving an affair.

Once you have solid evidence, the affair is exposed wide and far. This is done not as punishment but to shed light on a tragedy and to give you much-needed support.

His Needs, Her Needs will not help if your wife is in affair. It will help YOU carry out a great Plan A, but trying to get your wife to read it while she's enraptured with someone else is a waste of time.

Your wife may be affectionate with you to throw you off the scent of the affair.

Your best bet is to follow what the folks here have been advising you:

Snoop, get your evidence, expose and all the while be a wonderful man, no love busters and doing your best to meet her needs as best as she will allow you to do so. Your faith in God will sustain you in this tough time. And following the solid plan outlined to you will help you survive this affair.

Sam,
Be careful with statements like this. We all here understand what you are saying but you can fool yourself into making bad choices. You DO NOT want a marriage at any cost. You want a new marriage based on MB principles. Unless you get that than run far in the opposite direction. The pain will only continue.

You, Sir, are an enabler. And if you don't get off your butt soon, you won't have a marriage left. There is nothing we can do for your marriage if you choose to continue to enable your wife's affair. The longer you enable, the harder it will be to save your marriage, because the longer this goes on, the more likely she will leave you for the OM.

You need to wake up, my friend, and start focusing on your marriage. Stop pretending like you are doing anything productive by listening to His Needs, Her Needs. If the Titanic was sinking would you go read a book or would you call in the Coast Guard to help you right the ship? Listening to the book will not save your marriage. BUSTING up the affair will.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will start spying on your wife as you have been instructed and get the evidence of her affair. Stop being silly about her "privacy" and become a super sleuth. Put spyware on her phone, a keylogger on her computer and voice activated recorder in her car. GEt the evidence and come back here and we will give you next steps.

WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!!

Your complacence reflects a lack of caring. What kind of husband has circumstantial evidence of an affair and does...... nothing? Other than go off and read a book? IF you want her to care, then why don't you show that you care? She is LOST and you are dithering. She needs a strong, courageous spouse to lead her out of the darkness. Do you want to be that guy?

I've tried. I have confronted her with evidence, albeit circumstantial, but evidence none the less and she blows her top and says things like she feels smothered or I'm trying to force or control her. And the I love you but not like that.

She maintains that they are just friends and she hardly ever talks to him. I am pretty sure that he is hacking into my computer too. Because it's like she knows exactly what I say on here and another site.

Like I said, I feel that I am just her safety net or she is just making the best of it for the kids. My thing is that I don't want this low life scum bag anywhere near my kids. And if she leaves she has always said that she will take them. I do not want to take any chance of destroying them or losing them. I already have one kid that started peeing his pants and stuttering after over hearing her use the D word.

She also blows up at me if I act hurt or angry because of her actions because it makes her feel guilty. She is the type of person that has no ability to take responsibility for their own actions. Her sister is the same way. And my wife bad mouths her to no end about how she is but can't see that she's the same way!!!!!! It's like if I want my kids with me I just have to take it and act like I like it. Until I can catch her red handed.