Yea I emailed him this question. I think its a good topic as people get confused about it or at least I did. I know I was told to cancel car insurance and thought this might fall in the same realm.

I do not see the difference. Told not to pay car insurance. Told to pay health insurance. Does not make sense to me. Though better to follow Dr H.

I see it as a car is a luxury, health care isn't. The health insurance could also be a legal issue since they are still married.

Got a text from MIL wishing the best for my son and God blessing him. I replied with the fact I have the same love for my family WW, SS and DS. She then replied she hopes that DS grows up to be a good man and I countered with he will because he's being raised by one who in turn was raised by one. MIL then replied I will always be welcome in her home. I replied thanks but when the divorce is final I want nothing to so with anyone who helped my WW ruin our family and her life. Also, that I will love SS because he's my eldest son and when he's old enough to come and see me without interference from WW I wil welcome him.
Also asked will POSOM be welcome in her home and was WW's wayward father welcome in her (MIL mother) mother's home. Also that she has the power to voice her pain and displeasure of WW's actions but idly sits by and does nothing. Sorry for the long winded post just had to vent. WAYWARDS AND THEIR ENABLERS ARE SICK IN THE HEAD.

I agree.
"Blood is thicker than water"; I saw it with my ex wifes affair.
Family refused to publicly condemn her affair.
Told me vague things like "hope things work out " etc.

This woman helped kidnap your son.
I thought she couldn't speak english anyways, so how is she texting you?
I wouldn't trust her with any information

I use a translator.

Dude, I'll say it again, YOUR PURPORTED PLAN A NEEDS SERIOUS WORK!

Exactly which parts of your (well deserved) diatribe at MIL do you think will NOT get back to WW (and which of her ENs would you be thereby satisfying)?

Think those things all you want. Act on the guidance that your thoughts provide. But remember the duck: Look placid from the top, and do all your paddling below the surface.

You need to be a broken record: "I love ww and I am willing to work with her to create a loving marriage. Please encourage her to end her affair and come home"

You guys are right about what I should of done. I let my emotions and frustration cloud my actions. I got an email from WW last night saying her grandmother passed. I cried a lil bit because her grandmother and me had a good relationship and she was always supportive of our marriage. After I wiped my tears I gave WW a call it was around midnight. She answered and I offered my condolences. She sounded like she was crying and kept me on the phone talking about DS and tv shows, just general small talk about her job too.

I know she lives with POSOM and yet she is talking to me. I'm guessing POSOM was at work because he's a security guard. The conversation was light and pleasant. Threw in some jokes that got her laughing then I had to end the call because it was late. She said she would call to talk to DS if he wanted to talk to her. I said give it a try, it seems she is accepting the fact that our DS doesn't want to talk to her and that I'm not "brainwashing" him. I also mailed MIL a card of my condolences. I feel so helpless because when things like this happen I was always there to comfort her and now I'm not.

I know her so well and I know she is in pain. I know that POSOM isn't as caring as me and it shows by the phone call. This [censored] really sucks, I think I need to go for a run and plan something fun to do with DS to blunt this knife I have in my heart...

Small email correspondence with WW:

ME: Here's a pic of DS and myself heading to church and the park. Was a good sermon, really going to miss this church.

WW: Seif is so big, I love and miss him so darn much. Where are you going?

ME: 4 years is up I'm moving cause of the job.

WW: Georgia?

ME: Yes, reserve center. Wanted to go to San Francisco but the job cheated me lol. After Georgia I have one more tour and I retire! Excited but frustrated. How's my SS. Said a prayer for you and your mom on Sunday. How's she handling her (mil) mother's passing?

WW: He's good. Mom is fine I'm the one who hasn't taken it very well. It really hit me and the fact that I didn't get to go see her doesn't help.

ME: Why couldnt you? If you don't mind me askin. I know how you feel. My granny was the best woman in the world to me. She passed on 24 Jun 01. That and 9/11 was the biggest reasons I signed up for the military. Hang in there I know your a tough girl. That's one of the many reasons I married you. /comfort

WW: She was getting better and then bam she died. They burried her next day and I couldn't afford to go there with such short notice. I was planning to go for thanksgiving but...

ME: That really sucks. Sometimes health is determined by mental state. So I was told. My granny was the same way she had a home dialysis machine and was improving then she just told my mom she was tired and died. You should still go on thanksgiving, I know you hate Puerto Rico but I know you always miss it there a lot! If you go head to Toa Baja and get our money from our old landlord lol. DS told me he wants a dog so I'm getting a gray and white Akita soon. It's like a Japanese husky they get big but I'm getting a puppy. I figure if I have a big dog it will give me an excuse to buy a house!

That's all I heard from her, think I handled it well. Sent a card to MIL and a package to her full of pics of me and DS, a homemade card by DS and me. I don't think she got it yet. It's going on a year and I have a little hope but doesn't seem anything is going to change anytime soon...

Good move on sending a card.
I think the phone call was a risk but it went well
It sounds like you made some love bank deposits.
Hopefully OM will make some withdrwwls

I keep thinking about what OM ex wife said to you. She is either crazy and vindictive, or your wife would now be hooked on drugs.

Did you ever speak with his ex fiance? Did she talk about drugs?

When was the last time you spoke with step son?

When will your divorce be finalized?

I'm stalling it the best I can. As far as being hooked on drugs, I think her vice of choice is alcohol. POSOM is making withdrawals, I can tell when she talks to me she keeps me on the phone when she does call. From what I can tell he didn't support her through her grandma's death and I sense resentment that she couldn't make it there to the funeral. Florida to Puerto Rico isn't that expensive. she doesn't let me speak with him when I ask. She knows he will tell all and things aren't as ideal as she makes them seem. Dr. Harley says 2 years right?

Generally 2 years is his recommendation.
I would not delay divorce. I think you should expedite it.
I was fortunate; I was divorced 7 months after filing.
If she's a drunk why would you want her back?

What values does she have that you love?

I think it may be SS...not sure at this point.

No confirmation on the drunk theory. I still love my wife and have faith in this program and myself. Being a child of divorced parents my childhood **EDIT**. I will not give up on my family without a fight. Dr. Harley said 2 years and a year has passed I can do this. I am a mentally strong individual and feel I can do this. She had similar values to me and I know she can have them again once this affair dies a natural death. If it doesn't then I will expedite the divorce.

Meanwhile, I'm being the best me I can be. I workout kept the weight off, when I met my WW I was 240 now I'm 190 and fit. I erased all my anger issues and devoted most of my time to family commitment and domestic support. Looking back these and IC, financial support, and affection are her top needs. Another reason I need to do this is because she isn't alone in ruining the marriage and I feel I need to prove to myself that I have the honor, courage and commitment to correct my faults. So if I'm a sucker, loser or hopeless romantic so be it. I honor my vows and love my family. I appreciate everyone's concern but I'm doing a lot better thanks to you all. God bless.

You sir are my hero. I tip my hat to you.

If she is receptive to your calls try increasing them.
Nothing too noticeable.
Try a 10% increase in weekly or monthly calls from you.
That ia probably your beat way to make LB deposits now

One way to perhaps engage her and make some covert deposits is to ask her by text if she'd help you with a problem. It needs to be a real problem, of course.

You: "I got a problem that I could use some input on. I really don't have anyone else to ask but don't know if it's appropriate to ask you or involve you in my problems, do you have a minute or am I delusional????"

Her: "Of course I can help you, what's up?"


If she says "No"...then you still say something like "That's ok, I'll just go with my initial gut feeling, thanks anyway...It's so weird being single. I never realized how much I relied upon you in my decision making process. Have a good night"


Most likely she'll love to "help" you. The guilt alone will see this as an opportunity to make things up to you even in a small way. In so doing you are demonstrating admiration for her opinions and smarts by even going to her. You get more conversation and build your friendship with her. As you do this more and more (behind OM's back I might add) the more the converse effect starts eating at their weak relationship.

You've been here awhile...you certainly have read mywifeilove's threads where he Plan A'ed his wife while she lived with OM and eventually successfully recovered, right?

Here you go.
MywifeIlove