Hello,

Does anybody know of a body or volunteers who will act as intermediaries for a couple? I am in the UK and the intermediary can be anywhere in the world as all communications will be by email or instant messenger or text.
I cannot pay someone for every text or message.

Some background information:

I need help on implementing plan B, which I recently started. My plan B involves 2 small children and I have trouble in my communications about my kids.

4 days ago I moved from plan A to plan B with my wife who has been having an affair since November 2012. We are in the process of divorcing. Plan A was useful as it served me to show to her that I can be a better husband. We got on very well during plan A. She did not see the OM during plan A but kept in touch with him by text and phone. However, when her birthday came recently, the OM re-appeared. He sent her a birthday card and possibly a present. I had decided that I would go to plan B if he re-emerged and if she changed her attitude. This happened a week ago when she invented her usual excuse to go out with a female friend. We have two small daughters. She asked me to babysit (we are separated but living close). I refused (my boundary). She had to ask a friend and inconvenience her. So she saw him again and changed her attitude back to WW.

Last week I prepared a PBL and gave it to her, together with a schedule for things related to the children. I did not mention an intermediary as I did not think I could find one. I asked my wife not to call me on the phone but to communicate by text or email only. She has been calling me but I did not take her calls, then she started texting me.

I really will not be able to find a friend or relative who will be prepared to do this.

Thanks

Sometimes members of MB help out as IM, I am in the UK too and would be happy to be your IM should you need one.

You will need to contact the moderators to get my email address to pass to your WW.

Hello NB28,

Thanks a lot for your offer. I would need to convince my wife it is safe for her (in case she worries about you becoming a witness in a court case against her) and the girls. How to tell her?
I guess we could all remain anonymous and just use our initials or something like this.
Would you recommend what are the best means to communicate? My wife uses her iPhone for everything and I use PC, iPAD and phone.
We both have Skype.
What can I say to her it is the benefit of using an intermediary?
My benefit is not to have to talk to her under plan B.

When you are not available my wife and I could communicate directly by text, etc.

Cheers

Typically, the WS has no choice about the IM. Although it shows that you have a considerate nature to think about how she might react, the whole point of plan B is to help you get your WW out of your mind until she is serious about recovery. So, pick an IM that helps you achieve the best dark plan B that you can, and don't worry about what your WW thinks about it.

Yes, but what if she refuses to communicate with the intermediary

Then she loses all contact with you.

That would be OK if we did not have small children

I understand, but giving a WW the right to veto your choice of an IM will result in her going with an IM that doesn't respect your plan B. I suggest picking the IM you want, telling your WW who it is, and then dealing with whatever else happens if it does. The goal is a dark plan B, not a happy WW.

An IM does not pass all the information just the pertinent ones regarding children and financial matters for example negotiating who pays a bill etc (not actual bank account details or anything like that).

I have 24 hour access to my emails so if I receive an email from your WW changing visitation time etc I am able to notify you immediately.

There are no instances where you communicate directly with your WW.

When your WW shows in actions that she is willing to adhere to the conditions you set her in the plan B letter for recovery then you consider starting contact but until then she does not get to communicate with you at all. You will have to change your numbers, emails and block any other way she can contact you.

She is not a pest, she is starting to understand I do not want to communicate with her. Could we have a second method, like text? or messaging?

So shall I ask the moderators and who gives me your email address? Are there links to the moderators here?

Thanks a lot!

Peter.
Click notify on the bottom of his post to Communicate with the moderators.
Regarding IM, many people have small children.
In fact the case study in Dr Harleys book, Surviving an Affair, (John and Sue) had children.

Plan B must be followed carefully.
This means NO direct contact with the wayward wife.
She may try to manipulate and get out of plan B.
Dont enable that behavior.

Plan B should be a picture of what divorced life would be like.
In my case, I am in plan B in divorce and have very limited contact with ex ww.
Your wife will say "we need to act like grown ups". "think about the kids" etc.
She is happy in plan B now because she is with her boyfriend.

As that affair crumbles, she will want to fall back on you. It's important that she can't until she is willing to meet the conditions for recovery.

Have you exposed this affair to everyone, including her affair partners family?

Peter,

Dr. Harley would caution you that Plan B is likely to lead to the permanent end of your marriage. Is that what you want? Are you going to retain custody of your children? For many men, the end of the marriage means that their wife will get custody even if she is having an affair. That may expose the children to some very bad parenting - or serious risks. (Affair partners do not tend to be healthy people to be around children.)

Dr. Harley usually recommends that a man go all out to try to disrupt the affair and win his wife back, if he wants to keep his marriage. Of course, noone will fault you if you don't want to do that, given your wife's infidelity.

BTW, Peter, it is usually best to stick to posting your situation on ONE thread so that we can get all of the context together and find out how best to advise you.

Hello NB28,

I have contacted the moderators about asking for your email address. Now I am waiting for your address.
Thank you again.

Not really here as an expert but just a suggestion:
I don't know how old your children are but do you think you could get an extra phone for your children only?
I am on the receiving end of plan B and this is what my BS did. I have access to my children 7 and 9 yrs old using their phone. call and text. It works well for us.

Peter, the moderators should be in contact soon,
Have you got your plan B all in order?

Written plan B letter with conditions of recovery attached? (Temp,ages can be found on MB)

Have you made plans to block your WW from contacting you directly via phone or email?

Hello NB28,

Thank you for your reply. Yes I wrote a PBL, which a group of people who have been on the giving and receiving end of one helped me prepare. I also gave my wife a proposal for a schedule: who deals with money, solicitors, etc. children times. I delivered the letter to her 5 days ago. It has my conditions for renewed contact (drop the OM, stop the divorce). I have started plan B with some hitches relating to the girls.

There is a court order that deals with sharing of the children.
The court order does not cover everything, like the week-ends and they left it to us to agree. I still need to negotiate with my wife on this.

I do not know if it is appropriate but I could let you have a copy of my proposed schedule to my wife.

I do not think I need to block her. She understands I do not want to speak to her. She is not the pest type.

My question, again, do you think it is enough to communicate through your e-mail address or should we have a second method. This would be to avoid accusations of 'I told you in time but you did not reply soon enough'

I am going to say to her she can contact me directly in case of an emergency. I will also tell her I have not and will not exchange information about she and I with you as she discovered and read a series of messages with the people who were advising me and helped me with the letter. She was angry and told me not to discuss her with other people. In the PBL I explained to her that these people were only trying to help me and my relationship with her, she could read on the messages that I was mostly saying good things about her and that the people advising me could see things from her point of view. I am telling you this as she could think you are one of that group and that you know about her already. I will tell her that I put a message asking for a volunteer IM and that you came forward.

PS, I like your motto, I guess plan B is the rain in this case.

Peter,

It is my experience that a half baked plan B is worse than no plan B,

Waywards don't follow rules and have virtually no logic, she may not be a pest today but that can easily chance just as she changed from a loving wife and mother to a wayward wife not caring about the effect of her choices will have on your kids and her reputation.

I will be here to help you have the space and tranquility to heal in plan B. I am only here to pass urgent pertinent information. If it will make you feel more secure we can arrange a second method of contact so if you don't have 24 hours access to emails and an emergency happens I could text you.

The most important thing is not to enable your WW to have direct access to you. She needs to see what life will be like if you divorce and you need space to heal from her toxic behaviour.

If she does not like people talking about her then perhaps she should act in a more honourable manner and not shack up with another man while married to you, no one talks about happily married people negatively.

I still have not heard from the moderators.

This is not Plan B. A WS has all the time prior to Plan B to change their ways and jointly decide what to do in a marriage with their BS. Once a WS does not drop the OP or make the changes necessary to stay in the marriage with their BS, they should lose all influence in what you say and do. You can speak with whomever you want in order to get help to try to save your marriage and family. People who assist you with Plan B need to know enough of the details of your situation to provide proper and constructive advice. Your WS can tell you whatever she wants, but do not trust her at this time and you will be making a huge mistake if you listen to her advice. If you want help, tell as much of your story (and hers because she is the one who stepped outside of the marriage) in order to obtain the help you need. Of course she does not want to be exposed to friends, or family or strangers what she has tried so hard to keep secret. Get used to it. If you want any chance at saving your marriage, then anyone that will pay attention is going to know the most intimate details of your marriage. How much more intimate does it get then sharing the fact that your spouse let a third person into your bed? She lost all expectations of privacy when she opened your marriage to an interloper.

If you let your WS call the shots and tell you what to do, I am sure you will be divorced as soon as is possible. If you listen to the people on this forum, you might end up separated or even divorced, but you will still have a chance at recovery and reconciliation with your wife.

No I have not heard from the moderators either and I am in a hurry to tell my wife I will use an IM.
OK so I can give you my mobile number, too, and tell my wife she can give you hers as well, in case of a failed communication by email (e.g. the email service provider breaks down)

Thanks.