Dr Harley has made it very clear that people with mental disorders cannot follow te policy of joint agreement

Here are two quotes from Dr Harley regarding persons with emotional disorders and the POJA:

"The exception to the Policy of Joint Agreement is when the health or safety of
yourself or members of your family are at risk when following it (doing
nothing until an agreement is reached). �In the case of serious emotional
disorders, the healthy spouse must make many decisions unilaterally for the
sake of the family, which puts the marriage at risk."

"But those with emotional disorders usually can't
follow the POJA, and the expect to be catered to when they take a position
on any issue. �Ultimately, most of these people end up divorced because they
can't form a mutually caring partnership for very long."

Have you thought about emailing Dr Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I don't see how this marriage can last if she refuses to POJA anything. The fact she's making a public display of her cutting herself and having suicidal outbursts shows she's too unstable for a relationship with anyone else including her own children. That and all she has to do now is scream suicide if she doesn't want you to do something. Her codependency and reliance on others to bring her happiness would drive me nuts.

I might have to draw a map for her and outlining exactly what you need from her to keepnthe marriage going or you cannot continue to remain married as it is now

Thanks all... MrNiceGuy, thanks for your advice. I don't feel like I made the wrong decision to stop at my families house. I believe she was being irrational. I would do it again and again. You don't drive by a family members house that you haven't seen in a year and not stop by. Well any normal person. Especially since I love my family so much. She didn't give any care for my thoughts. I feel as if you are trying to get me to just go along with what she wants, and have no say in the matter. Well I have done that for many, many years, and it is breaking me down. She has a serious mental disorder.

My goal here is to be happy. Also I would like suggestions for ways that I can fall in love with her again, and if not I need to go on with my life. What can I do to re-spark the flame? We've tried dating again, and sadly has not worked. I still plan on reading the info on this site, along with emailing Dr Harley.

Thanks for the info!

Let us know what Dr. Harley says.

Here are some radio clips. Tell us what you think.

Radio Clip on BPD
Radio Clip on BPD

I'm sorry you feel that way. It was not my intent. I was just trying to paint a picture on how POJA works. As it goes both ways. Like if she wanted to go out on a girls night out and had not done so in a year but it made you feel uncomfortable and unenthusiastic about the idea and she did it anyways and left you at home with the kids even tho you expressed you didn't want her to. You would feel resentful and uncared for. But I also understand your point.

I am looking forward to hearing what dr.harley has to say in this situation. If you end up on the radio or hear from him. Please update us when atc. Your in a tough situation. Marriage builders is not a stay married at all costs place and plan. Sometimes it just can't work. Possibly you may have to do a plan B and take the kids with you. But take full advantage of whatever may work to recover and get your wife to "wake up" and join you again in creating a happier and better marriage.

MNG

I appreciate all of your help. Thanks MrNiceGuy, I now get what you were saying...

Did you get a chance to listen to these? What do you think?

Brain, the first clip is a great clip on Dr Harley's advice on impulse control. I suspect that would be something that RNR might be interested in hearing seeing Dr Harley was of the opinion his wife Mrs_Cen has this issue.

If you haven't already can you post that link on his/her thread?

John,

The 2nd clip sounds exactly like what you are experiencing. Be sure you listen to this clip.

He makes recommendations. If they don't make sense to you I'd suggest you contact Dr Harley directly. You will benefit greatly.

Thanks, I listened to both. The first one they didn't really touch on the subject assuming the guy didn't have BPD. The second email was vague, and they seemed to delve into the subject more and gave some good tips. I'm going to email the Dr right now... When do they usually read these emails?

I appreciate you looking those up.

Good idea MrAlias, will do.

Good.

They read a few emails on their show everyday. They usually have a caller scheduled and then save the last segment for questions.

If you go to the "listen now" at the top right of each page you can listen how it show is and they run the days show for 24 hours until the next says show.

Even better if you include your phone number and become a caller they will send you a free book.

Let us know when you're on the show.