I recently discovered that my wife has been having an affair. I discovered this by basically looking into her private business on an online social network when I suspected something was going on. So we both have trust issues at this point.

We are both in our early 50's have been married for 20 years. We do have a teenage son recently off to college.

I have not been an overly affectionate person and recently between work and a just plain lacking on my part I forced my wife to look outside our relationship. The affair with this also married man has been going on 2-3 months.

When I discovered the affair I was of course upset and had trouble eating, sleeping, etc. After reading about other similar situations which others are having I have healed somewhat or just learned to deal with it better.

Regardless of what she has done I do not want to divorce the love of my life and my soul mate. Two words (among others) which my wife has not heard from me recently. I have asked her if she wants a divorce to which she said no and that she wants to give our marriage a chance.

The stumbling block here is that she does want to continue seeing this man and says that she needs to as he has been a positive part of her life when I have not. This man tells her that he only wants what's best for her. The relationship has been physical and I know she has feelings for him. Due to my love for my wife and desire not to hurt her I have told to keep seeing this man if she needs to but to limit the physical contact. She said she will try. Sorry if I seem like a whimp here by this is how deeply I love her.I did tell her that the ongoing relationship with this OM would distract from ours.


As mentioned this other man is married and has children. I hear that his marriage may not be a happy one. This may be why he and my wife connected in the first place, having this in common.. I did question my as to weather or not this OM would actualy leave is current wife should my wife and I divorce thereby freeing her for him. She did seem confident that he would but there was doubt in her mind. I told her my biggest fear (other than loosing her) is that we would separate and this OM would then say "i cannot leave my wife", breaking my wifes heart. I told her that if that did happen I would and always be here for here. Hope this does give her the idea that if she tries and it does not work she will have someone to fall back on. Maybe I should not have said this but it's how I feel. She can do nothing that would stop me from loving here until the day I die. Think this may have already been proven by the fact that we are still together after the affair.This man is a friend of a friend my wife has know for some time. As far as I know the affair is only recent though.

As I have now been made aware of my shortcomings I am changing myself and giving her the love and attention she deserves. Unfortunately some of my actions (flowers and cards) have been seen as acts desperation as I have not done this in some time. Looking back I get this now. This was also pointed out to her by the other man. This makes it extremely difficult for me to change myself as I sometimes do not know where the line between an honest positive attempt to change on my part and what would considered only a desperate attempt.
I think she still has strong feelings for me but may be confused as to what she wants and needs. I know, due to lack of attention on my part, my wife feels some recentment to me. I am in the process of re-inventing myself and the way I treat my wife after the past months in which I have failed her emotionaly. She has told me that she sees the difference but hopes its not just a temporary phase. I told her that what I am doing is honest and sincere and makes me feel better and closer to her too.

At this point we are working to re-build our trust and love for each other. I don't know how much time she is going to give this but am trying to move my improvements slowly and not to rush things (a difficult task).
As I know she is confused about many things I don't know the best way to turn this around and prove to her that I love her as much as I do. As I said I do beleive she stills loves me but I need to convince her that she does through my actions and words.

Welcome to MArriageBuilders, bermboy. I am sorry for your pain.

Please read the first thread on this "Surviving An Affair" thread, entitled "READ HERE FIRST. WELCOME ABOARD". Then come back and get further instructions.

You are making several major mistakes, but it is best to read the material outlined first, then come back and post. The veterans will help you with the path to recover your marriage. This is the ONLY program which focuses on building the love you and your wife will need to survive and thrive.

You can do this,

Bermboy,

Calm down gather every bit of intelligence on OM you can, then expose OM massively, suddenly and without warning to everyone of any consequence to him. Family, WIFE, relatives, church, workplace, leave no stone unturned. Do not tell your WW what you are doing, do not threaten the OM that you are gonna do it, JUST DO IT.

OM will dump your WW like a hot potato crushing your WWs fantasyland romance.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks catwit. I have read and understand the section you mentioned. I do see some of my mistakes and would appreciate your further advise. Initially I thought to wait this out and hope that my W would see what she would be loosing in me. Now I think that by allowing this OM to remain will only assure our downfall.

Altough I appreciate gamma's somewhat aggresive approach to ending the affair and do beleive it would do the trick I do not want to have my wife hate me, thereby making an unhappy situation worse. I thought of sending an anonymous letter to the OM wife I'm sure my wife know it's origin. Again creating the hate issue. Thank you for your input.

Affairs are addictions, so there is simply no way that your wife can continue contact with the other man (OM) and still recover your marriage. Get the book "Surviving an Affair" and read it. The affair has to end first, because it hasn't yet. The best thing you can do to bring this about is exposure. Your wife will have to commit to no contact with her affair partner for life. Only then will it be possible to build a romantic relationship and recover your marriage. You have come to the right place.

Okay, BermBoy.

Your wife cannot fall back in love with you while she still has contact with the OM. Your Job #1 is to kill the affair. You must be a "warrior" to protect your marriage.

Realize that your wife is in "the fog" while she still has contact with the OM. She will not be thinking clearly (or even rationally.) She may even re-write the history of your relationship to paint things in a much more negative light. This is common. So common, it is like there is a script which waywards follow. She HAS to be in the fog, in order to be able to justify what she is doing, and not face the pain she is putting you through.

So, for now, she is like an alien being. Not on the side of you or your marriage. So do not let her know of your plans. Keep this website and your postings here to yourself for now. You will need the support offered here in the days and weeks ahead.

Read all you can about exposure. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but this is the swiftest, surest way to kill the affair. So get your plan in place, and do it all at once... Expose to her OM's wife (OMW), to your family, to her family, and to your children (over the age of 4). And to your friends, and hers. Anyone who's opinion she trusts. Gather your list, write your letters, and check here. The vets will ensure you are on the right track.

She will be furious. But she can, and will, get over it once the affair dies, and she completes withdrawal from her OM, to whom she is addicted. Most waywards admit, at that point, that it was the only way to get them out of their situation. They HATE it at the time, though. You are taking away her "crack pipe."

You will be given a plan to handle this and the fallout.

The main thing is to remain calm, and do not apologize for telling the truth.

The recovery path is narrow, but clearly marked. You can do this, BermBoy.

BermBoy:
The forum is going to be closed for maintenance for a few hours.
Get going on your exposure list, and keep calm.
If you don't yet have the book, "SURVIVING AN AFFAIR", you can download it via KINDLE or to your computer, and get reading instantly. This is the newly-revised edition, and will be your roadmap for recovery.

Bermboy-

Are ready for 2X4's?
You ARE acting like a wimp, not a man.

It is ok, since you asked your wife pretty please to limit the physical part. Really?
Man up and take your life back.
Everyone that comes on here is afraid of upsetting the wayward.
Everyone here will tell you to EXPOSE.
Get reconnassance and EXPOSE it.

This term is a lie form the pit of hell. No such thing and is a prime excuse for affairs.

Think SoleMate instead.

Really?


I don't believe this bermboy. It is NOT okay for her to continue bopping another man while married to you. Full stop.

Get the evidence and expose far and wide. Kill the affair with extreme prejudice. Be a man and fight for your wife.

Melody will be along soon to give yout the video encouragement you need.

bermboy. A woman wants her man to fight for her. I guarantee that you look wimpy and complacent to your WW as well as us.

What man is okay with his wife sneaking around with another man? It doesn't look like you love or care about her when you are ok with her living a life of lies while at the same time destroying someone else's family. Infact, this is likely how she rationalizes the affair in her own mind...my husband doesn't care.

Of course OM's marriage is unhappy. OM is investing all his time with another woman and neglecting his own marriage.

The only stumbling block that I see here is that you believe your WW's fogbabble and use it to make unwise decisions.

You need to dig really deep and get the courage to fight this because when your wife decides to divorce you she will use the fact that you did not fight for her - against you. You let me continue to see my affair partner = you don't care or love me.

Your plan is a lose/lose.

You must tell your WW that you will not share her with any man. Her affair must end now.

As said so not tip your hand or threaten your WW that you will expose the affair if she does not end the affair. Warning only gives the cheaters the time to neutralize your efforts.

How did WW meet the OM?

See if the OM has a FB page. Copy and paste his contact list for exposure use later.

Hide a VAR and GPS in WW car. Does WW talk to OM when at home? Then hide a VAR in the house as well.

Install a key logger on the PC. Do tell WW of these actions. Gather evidence. Then expose

We will guide you through all the steps.

How did you find out that your WW was cheating?

I have just been told by my wife that the OM wife has received a letter (not from me) that may be exposing the affair. I have several problems doing this as I would not put this pain I feel on someone else' spouse.

Does anyone have any comments where this thing will go now?

That is really sick and mean that you wouldn't tell the OM's wife about the affair. If her bookkeeper was stealing her money would you use the excuse "I would not put this pain...." on someone? Would you be ok if the police didn't tell you that your bookkeeper was stealing your money because they didn't want to put you through the pain? How crazy is that??

What kind of a person won't warn someone when they are being destroyed behind their back? How is this woman supposed to protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband if no one will tell her the truth?

You should pick up the phone TODAY and call the OM's wife and tell her everything you know about this affair. That is the decent thing to do!! Don't be an enabler for adulterers!!

SO instead of taking advice that could have saved your marriage you instead knowingly allowed your wife to continue having sex with another man right under your nose.



Do you think any woman would find such a weak man as you are being attractive? Why would your wife want to go back to a man who knowingly allowed her to have sex with another man?

No, you don't love your wife. Enabling is not the same as "loving." A spouse who helps his spouse commit self destructive, marriage wrecking acts is not being "loving." A spouse who loves his wife will try to STOP his spouse from harming herself and her marriage. IF she was a heroin junkie would you drive her to the dope house?

My wife and I have recently decided to separate. Unfortunately (for financial reasons) this is an in-home separation. We are in separate beds and give each other as much privacy about our individual comings and goings as possible. I am also using the "180" guidelines. My biggest question I have is when using the 180 how much affection (if any) should I be giving her? I am hoping to make this marriage work. Could someone give me some advise on this point and anything else you think may help with this separation.

Thank you

What happened with the affair? Did you ever expose it? Did you demand she stop seeing the OM?

Why would you agree to separate?

If you want the M, I would go back to your SAA thread, fight this affair and use Plan A.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=169038&Number=2744938#Post2744938

The affair is still going on. The OM wife was made aware of the affair but this does not seem to have had any effect (that I can see anyway). I did demand but with no luck. We are seeing a marriage counselor but progress is slow. Divorce is not an option right now.

The separation was her idea mainly due to my anger about the affair. I will not leave the house and she cannot afford to on here own.

The OM giving my W the usual song and dance about his non affectionate wife, etc, etc, etc. Says he has not gotten a D yet due to kids.