We;ve had some times together. My A ended 5 years ago and then there was some physical abuse all through the M. Mutual emotional abuse too.

But we've turned it all around. We've worked and corrected those issues in our M and can work together well and enjoy our family and home.


But he's away at the moment and I don't miss him...I mean I miss the convenience of having him around: I have to do the washing up and need to get babysitters in when I go out. I can't just go and walk the dog, I either have to take the kids or do it when they are not around.

The other thing is, I've realised how much he argues with the kids...I certainly don't miss trying to stop those.

It's a chore to try and speak to him while he is away and I get frustrated because his tone is flat and he goes on too much and gives way too much info when I ask a Q.

He misses us.

Is it mean to keep together?

Welcome to Marriage Builders anothertime,

Please do yourself a favor and read about the concepts practiced on this site. Start with the Basic Concepts link you see on the top of the webpage.

What you described can all be explained and a great plan to fix it is provided.

There is hope that you will create a romantic loving feeling for your H where you will miss him more than you could ever imagine.

Read up and keep posting. We're here to help.

I'm quite familiar with the concepts, thank you. Just fed up of the push me pull you/ giver and taker switching dynamic...


He misses me, so my guess is I do a reasonable job with his love bank.

Can you provide examples of this dynamic?

You are familiar with the concepts. That�s great. So how well do you two do following the POUA, POJA and PORH principles? Those are cornerstones of Dr Harley�s concepts.

MB is about more than giver and taker.
It is about more than emotional needs and lovebusters.

Rebuilding from the mess of an affair is a package of so many components together.

Dr. H says even if you never, ever felt love for your spouse.....utilizing the components would create the feeling of passionate, romantic love.

Maybe you should consider MB counseling with your H.

How much UA time to the two of you get in weekly when he is home?

How often does he travel away from you?

Are you in love with your husband?

PORH and POJA we are very very very good at.

UA not so good, but I think that is because I find him a little dull, can't quite get the spark in the convo...

Lovebusters, obvioulsy with the previous abuse, we are pretty on and have done a very good job at cleaning them up. ENs are not our strong point either.

In love: My marriage was one that ticked boxes.I know that waywards are known to rewrite history, but my H ticked the boxes on my mums list....I have rarely felt the swept away feeling I did with my previous fiance

He travels a week every 2 months on average ( at a guess)

We actively sought to up our UA time by doing a daily workout together, we completed it, but he got fed up and didn't want to repeat it.

Our UA time is mostly centered on being exhausted in the evenings looking at stuff on the internet and every other saturday morning working on the house together.

We try to get away just the 2 of us for a couple of days once a year (current financial climate and both of us being public sector workers without a payrise in 4 years)

He's IMing me now and I just wish he would go back to sleep ---it is 4.30 am there

His travel away from you is probably a huge part of you not missing him.

He has done it and continues doing it and you have learned to not need him to meet your emotinal needs of conversation/admiration/affection/etc while he is gone.

Travel would kill the greatest romance.

Sounds like the UA time needs to be more of a priority. It should not be when you are both exhausted or the internet (or TV etc.) They should be actual dates, just the two of you, doing something you BOTH enjoy.

If $ is an issue, you can keep it simple and inexpensive, depending on what you guys enjoy. It could be to go out and enjoy something outdoors/nature or just getting out for coffee etc.

I think that is what is missing here. Can you try to schedule at least 15 hrs a week once your H returns? The UA time needs to include all 4 intimate needs of RC, IC, A, and SF.

I understand that conversation seems to be a problem for you two. Have you been RH with your H about the fact that you don't enjoy your conversations? The two of you need to find subjects that interest both of you.

If you do this you will fall in love with your H, it works like magic!

Dr. Harley says couples should not spend nights apart. Can this be changed?

I understand that currently you enjoy the "break" from him, but I think that is because you are withdrawn and not in love.

I also understand that currently the idea of spending UA time with him out on dates doesn't sound appealing either, but most of us have been there at some point too.

anothertime,

The UA time is very important. Most people scoff at what the Dr recommends for hours. They'll have all kinds of reasons why that's unreasonable. But his opinion would be more along the lines that it is unreasonable to assume a romantic, caring love is obtainable if couples spend the majority of their time doing independent activities.

I have firsthand experience with this. My W and I fall in and out of meeting the recommended UA time. And when I am not with her enough, around her doing things we enjoy, I feel disconnected. And that disconnect is the old, almost comfortable albeit lonely, behavior I remember so well. The rut I called home for so long.

While disconnected I found fault with her and thus found what would be needed for activities to complete our UA time seemed less than desirable. The conversations we�d have were about her work � on and on and on she�d drone on about these catty women she worked with and hated to hear about how horribly bitter they were.

When we�re connected and I feel really close to her the conversations are way easier. I find I�m more apt to implement the friends of conversation and I�d also add something to enhance our conversation. When I�m connected I also feel I can be more open and honest. I�m more prone to say I�d like to talk about �this� (thus deflecting the conversation away from Catty Central there at her work).

I hear what you are saying. I, too, have been withdrawn and not in love with my W. I know what you mean about not wanting to spend time with your spouse. All those feelings are due to the lack of a connection, the romantic love, you need to see the good in your H.

One tough question. Usually when a spouse begins to state all the things they dislike about their partner that aren�t obvious lovebusters , like your comment about him being dull, means you have someone you are comparing him to. I think they call that the contrast effect. It�s a bad habit and one you should seriously consider dropping if that is what you�re doing.

We have 2 young children, so stuff away from the house costs.

We are currently working on the house....I keep trying to arrange for us to be able to do some together but he refuses to try and make a schedule.I know things don't always take as long/ or take longer than you think but a rough idea would help.

This is the priority and something we could do together, if he would give me a real chance....it's stressful living in house with half a bathroom and no floor coverings. Fortunately we realise that it is stressful and do not take this out on each other.

Some one asked about comparing conversation, if I find him dull: Before my A I didn't really have female friends, all my convo came from men. Once I realised I was having an A and ended I started to seek out female friends and realised that there were many that I could talk to. Intellectually him and I are on a level, we're both quite scientific but I am totally about people and learning and social science and education and can talk for hours and seek views and thoughts and this is something that he just doesn't talk about.

If we're having a conversation on something that is more his subject (work), he doesn't pick up on those "I'm losing interest" cues and even when I ask a question he just won't try and make the convo more inclusive. It's a monologue.

I'm getting up early in the mornings to workout, which meets his need for PA well, but this means I need to go to bed about 9/9.30 which is only about 1.5hours after DD. I guess when we cook and eat then we are getting some UA time, but I'm not s'posed to eat too late because of my meds.

We do try to go for coffee sometimes. I might try this afternoon, my cousin has just offered to take them to the cinema, but I know we really want to get the bath in, so that we get closer to having the bathroom done, so that we can have a little holiday later next month.

We are aware of this and keep it to a minimum - he had to leave lunchtime here and arrived in the morning there and straight into a meeting (there was no night time, I think he slept 3 hours), rather than getting there the day before and trying to get some sleep in first. I can only see the frequency of trips increasing, although the new business that he just set up he is trying to pass immediately onto someone else in his team.

We understand the dynamic that it is going on and are familiar with it. I'm wondering why I started this thread. I guess at some level I must be unhappy with that. Quite often I'm quite happy just trudging along. Like I said we get on well, we sort out our differences well. Sometimes life is just so much simpler without him about.

I think that was it actually. He'd been arguing with the kids and it was like having 3 before he went.

You can't be in love without 15 hours UA time. Sometimes men can get their needs met in a quicker way, i.e. PA and SF doesnt take long, but affection and IC do. That's why he is in love and you're not overly so. Very common.

Thats why Dr H recomends the 15 hours. If you do less, someone in the couple won't be in love.

Dr Harley and Joyce spent more on babysitters and recreation than mortgage payments. Because they viewed the marriage as an investment. Anyone who has paid for a divorce can tell you they are right!

You need to get an enthusiastic agreement for 15 hours UA. Nothing less Less will cut it. Don't twist his arm to do something he's not keen on, that won't work and he will back out like he did with the workouts.

It's also likely he won't realise the need for UA. He's in love and probably thinks you are too.

You shouldn�t use even female friends to replace what you should be getting in the marriage. There should be no closer friend than your spouse.

He deserves RH and a chance to fix it. Tell him you find conversation with him a strain these days and that it is probably because you feel distant. Tell him this could be fixed with more UA time. If you spell out the problem like that, he will be more on board.

I've heard a couple with a similar problem to yours on the radio who were contemplating a few weeks apart due to a move and they had different leaving dates from their jobs.

Dr Harley told them they could not spend even one night apart and to stay together. They had been doing UA time and were in love, but Dr H was still firm.

He told the FWW: "You are in love now, but once he goes away, you will become independent and then distant. It will be 'out of sight, out of mind' ".

I've told him the conversation is a strain. I did actually sort for us to go for a cuppa this afternoon, which he was pleased abpout. It ended in a very frustrating discussion about the work we're doing on the house and how we are going to fit it in. He thinks the UA time thing is bollocks. I guess I just have to keep venting until such time that we are in a position to get some UA time in. We have explored RC extensively...and actaully I feel better about our M now than I did in those couple of years where I worked tirelessly to find something that met all his criteria for us to do together.

The outcome of the discussion was good, but it was so much harder work than it needed to be just because he refused to listen.....I'm not saying he needed to agree to me, but he wouldn't even hear what I was saying.

I know separation absolutely isn't the way forward. Life is simple without him about - I am very independant, except for financially. Of course he is home now (friday night) and he complained today about me not doing the washing up (the baysitter did it last night and it is his job). I think I ironed about 12 of his shirts today (plus other ironing).

We went to a 18th and 50th B'day party last night - he commented on how fab I looked, even compared to the 18yos. I'm about 20 years older.