I've been married for 6 years been together for 10 years. Over the last couple of months, my wife had began acting strange with her phone. She would go every where with it and would never leave it around me. Other than that, her behaviour toward me was normal. I asked her about it one time and she said she was more involved in Facebook and I could see that she posted status updates quite often. But I had a gut feeling something was up. Recently, I came across some notes she had written which were saved on her phone. The notes were labelled 'fantasies' and they were sexually explicit things that she would like to do with an ex boyfriend. I was devastated and confronted her immediately. She admitted that she had fantasies about him and had written them down. She swore that they were just fantasies and he did not know about them. I asked her why she had been hiding her phone from me, and she said its because the notes were on her phone and she would not have wanted me to see them. She said she was sorry for not thinking about the harm that having these fantasies could do to our marriage. I was very upset and asked her to handover her phone so I could see what communications she had. I found a few Facebook messages between him and her...spanning 4 years or so. Nothing unusual in the messages...occasional hello's and updates on careers, kids. I searched everywhere, searched all messaging apps, emails, IM's everywhere but could not find any messages to from him other than the few on facebook. And given the sudden discovery of the notes, there could only be two explanations...either these were fantasies she had but never shared with him...or she deleted all her messages as soon as the received or sent.
Since then, she has deleted him from Facebook,whatsapp everywhere. She told me that she called him and told him to never contact her. I asked her if he asked the reason for this, she said he did but she told him its for reasons that were personal and he just had to abide by this. She has promised to not contact any ex boyfriends, promised to not have secret fantasies of cheating or sex with other men. promised to swap her phone with me for a day at any given time. We regularly backup our phones and I told her that i can restore all messages that I'd like to see and she told me to go ahead as i will not find anything. My questions are. 1) Should I believe that there was no contact between them regarding these fantasies? 2) what are my next steps here...should I expose this? the OM is not married.

It sounds like there is a high probability that you may have caught this before it got physical.


The other good news is that she seems willing to do what it takes to have a great M with you.

Does she know about this site? I would not expose. Continue to snoop in every way you can to see if there are still facts that have not come out yet.

Put a key logger on your computer, spyware on her phone and any other things that you can think might uncover things you are not aware of.

Do you have the book LB's? Do you have HNHN's?

I would encourage you to get these 2 books and read them together.

There is a EN's questionnaire on this site. Print 2 copies and both of you fill them out honestly. Find out what she needs that you are not providing her! Then, you will know what you need to do to not only affair proof your M but meet her EN's.

No, she does not know about this site. I will buy the two books and read them with her. I'll also download the EN's questionnaire as well.
Thanks for the response and tips.

If he was truly just an old boyfriend that she was in innocently in contact with on facebook I doubt very much she'd respond like that (cutting him off, deleting him from facebook, etc.). It's certainly within the realm of possibility. Regardless I think you should take this opportunity to address any and all marital issues.

That being said....her behavior is also consistent with a (past or present) physically or emotional affair. The guarding of the phone FOR A COUPLE MONTHS is certainly not to be ignored or passed over. Almost getting caught could have awakened her to the risks and she either truly ended it or has taken it underground by giving you the impression she's a completely compliant wife in order to throw you off the trail.


The key is to work on your marriage and on the backside, secretly (without asking her or telling her anything) snoop on her to see if her actions line up with her words. Step one...get a voice activated digital recorder and hide it in her car under her seat. If she thinks she's got you convinced she'll let her guard down and either talk to the ex-boyfriend or one of her girlfriends "in the know" about the situation and you'll discover the truth about your life. If you discover nothing...then you've actually confirmed and verified what you hope to be the truth.

I pray nothing is going on but inspect what you expect. There are no secrets in marriage.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

What snooping tools are you using?