My D-Day was 1-29-11 although I pretty much knew before then. My husband of then 28 years had an affair with his best friend's wife (with the friend's blessing may I add). I've gone through a lot for this marriage. My husband is retired military with PTSD for the last 25 years. As if that wasn't enough we started having trouble after I had a hysterectomy a little over 10 yrs ago. I had pain, he was selfish and ignored pain, I withdrew, he got angry, he headed for chat sites and phone sex. Then five years late we moved many states away to start over. Two months later he was back to the phone sex. Another two years went by, he finally got anti-depressants for the PTSD which made him more like the guy I had married. Just when I thought there was hope he decided his depression was my fault not because of his condition and began plotting to divorce me. During this time he started having personal conversations with the best friend's wife (they had been wanting a divorce for 3 years but couldn't afford it), they saw a pigeon and she went after him full force. He fell for it and even let her convince him of things that weren't even true about me. So, 4 month affair of Facebooking, sexting, phone sex, and eventually 2 days in a cheap motel for unprotected sex.
He tried to convince me I was crazy when I figured it out just prior to the actual physical sex. Then tried to tell me he was trying to help them with their marriage. Then said he wanted a divorce. Then came home after the 2 days with her admitting nothing but saying he wanted to start over. It took another month of him still having contact to get the truth (or most of it) and to get him to stop talking to her and her husband. We had 1 1/2 months of counseling with our pastor which was basically just an emergency effort to stop a divorce. Then we were on our own.
2 1/2 years later to the best of my knowledge he has not cheated. The OW and her husband have both tried to contact he even though we keep changing everything. Every time a mutual acquaintance of any kind contacts my husband one of them isn't far behind. We managed to block them for almost 2 years but that ended recently.
My husband? Tells me he loves me all of the time (I still don't believe him). I have access to all of the emails (that I know about except his work email that he can't even access away from work. That is a source of contention since both of them have contacted him using it) and he has shown me the emails they have sent over the years (as far as I know). I have access to his cell phone records (which means nothing because she taught him to get a prepaid as soon as she realized I had seen the 700 calls and texts they made to each other in one week on the records). He doesn't go anywhere between work and home (that is not comfort to me since most of the affair happened over the phone). He says he just wants to forget about it. He is happy now (he should be since I have made sure that everything that he said made him unhappy has been dealt with) and very few people know what he did.
Me, I still feel vulnerable, disposable, insecure, and one step away from my world falling apart. I don't cry as much anymore. When I do it isn't the soul wrenching sobs that came at first. It is an empty, hollow trickle of tears. I guess I should be happy that he apparently isn't cheating but what about all of the things that were missing in the marriage for me? WHAT ABOUT ME??? I have spent 25 years of my life holding together a marriage that has been hit by one tidal wave after the other and I have done it alone. I have health issues and I'm looking for a job. We are deep in debt because of his carelessness and I'm wondering how long does it take to feel like I'm getting somewhere? I don't feel like I've accomplished anything and he is happy as a clam. I'm here with this long rant because I can't talk about it with him because that's a no no. So, any thoughts?

Welcome, NQT, and hugs to you. You seem to have a lot on your plate. The biggest thing you can do is read the articles and see if your husband would be willing to give the basic concepts a try.

Have you read the Basic Concepts of the Marriagebuilders program?

Hey Rocketqueen,
I've read them and have actually been applying them on my own for the most part. He isn't willing to read anything. Our pastor asked for us to read two relationship books when he counseled us. My husband read just enough to tell me want his needs were and how I could best meet them and then he proceeded to "forget" what mine were and never even read the second book. He thinks he does all that he needs to do by not cheating, telling me when they try to contact,being nice, and telling me he loves me. When I say I am on my own I really mean that.

You should consider emailing the radio program for some free advice from Dr Harley himself. The e-mail is mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. They will send you a complimentary book based on your situation.

Can you afford MB coaching?

Hey Brain,
No, we are living paycheck to paycheck and we are about to have another almost $600 dollars worth of debt added to that each month at the beginning of the year. It took me 3 months to afford to get my brakes on my car done, paying they wouldn't go out on me. He is working 60 hours a week and can't do more. I'm looking for a job but haven't had any luck so far. I'm afraid it's not an option.

Thanks, I'll give that a try.

Can you email Dr. Harley? It's free and if you become a caller you will receive a free book?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Brain, I don't even know if the radio show comes on where I live.

It's streamed over the Internet:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Click the listen now link on any page of the website to hear either a live show or the rebroadcast of the most recent live show.

Like markos said you can click the listen now link and listen to it.

If you email the radio show they will set up a time to call you.

Thanks markos, I had no idea. Should have realized that. LOL

Thanks again BrainHurts. I'll send them an email.