To make a very very long story short! My husband was unfaithful to me on numerous occasions spanning from 2004 to 2009. All with the same woman. I know it's a very long time to be dealing with an affair. Throughout it all I kept holding on trying to keep our marriage together. For 5 years now he has been faithful and I felt like we were finally getting back to a good place. Until today I discovered that he had been in contact with the other woman and was planning to meet. An actual meeting between them hasn't happened yet. Did I make a mistake by confronting him about speaking with her? All I asked was why he was talking to her and I told him that it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I wasn't angry or mean to him about it. Now he refuses to speak to me. I guess at the moment I'm just lost and feeling very defeated!

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is the OW?
Have you read this?

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BB. I can only imagine how lost and defeated you must be feeling.


Confronting the wayward is not effective in killing an affair because he already knows what he is doing. It only alerts him to become wiser in his deception to hide it from you.


Exposure is your most powerful weapon in killing his affair. Have you exposed to everyone of influence in his and the OW life?


Read the links that BH posted to you. It is important to understand affairs and how MB works to kill them, prevent them from happening again, and restore trust and love to the marriage.


We can help you. How long have you been married and do you have children? Is OW married? Does OW live near you?

Well of course you are feeling that way -- your husband has resumed his affair!

One of the the recommendations here is that he has to agree to NEVER have contact with her for the rest of his life. (obviously that wasn't part of your agreement the last time?)

You're going to have to tighten up your boundries. You have to defend them. It has to be a "deal-breaker" for you if he contacts her again.

It is absolutely ridiculous that "he" isn't speaking to "you" because you questioned him. Are you always this passive?
Did you really just pout about him contacting her? Instead of DEMANDING THAT HE NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN?

Shouldn't the reality be that he is BEGGING you for another chance? Shouldn't he be promising you that he will end contact and agree to whatever you ask?

We have plans to help you. But I do not sense that you are aggressive enough to implement them. What are you willing to do to help yourself?

I have re- read plan A/B. I've even done A many times in the past. Even with exposure to my family and his and his friends and the other woman's family it didnt change much because they weren't very supportive. Ultimately it took them( husband and OW) having a car accident together( thankfully no one was hurt) and totally out our family vehicle to get him to stop. This all occurred shortly after the birth of our 3rd child. Yes he cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant with our 3rd. The affair is with the same woman. They met at his previous employer and both worked together. He quite and got another job but that didnt stop him from seeing her in the past. I've met the OW .She lives in the same city as us and has 4 kids of her own. Which she does not have custody of. She is not married and from what I have seen from the past she jumps from one man to the next. Whoever will take care of her. She also has a criminal record and has threatened my life and my kids in the past so I'm doing everything I know to protect my children from being anywhere near her. Things had been good between my husband and I for 5 years or so I thought. Until I noticed he had put a lock on his phone. I know because I saw when he turned his phone on. We had been transparent up until a week ago I had access to all his accounts and phone if I so chose to as he does to mine. His phone being locked alarmed me so I decided to check his facebook and there were all the messages between him and the OW. They have yet to meet as far as I can tell from the messages but I guess it's a matter of time because he has now changed his passwords on all his accounts. He has already used me confronting him about the messages to fuel his anger towards me and as an excuse that undoubtedly he will use to justify what he is doing! I'm just at a point of giving up because it has happened too many times! I love him dearly and I want our marriage and our family to stay together but I just don't know if I have the strength to go through this again!

You must go to Plan B, BB.

Your husband thinks he is free to behave as he wishes...because he has never had any consequences.

Time to show him the consequences. Doing yet another Plan A is only going to embolden him. It is time for a quick, DARK, immediate Plan B.

Plan A is only effective when you tell them they will lose you and mean it. Plan A is not Plan doormat.

That's why there is a firm deadline of three weeks Plan A before you Plan B.

Sounds like you did believe you had transparency and recovery conditions in place, but he has breached it somehow. Somehow he had a way of reaching her or vice versa. He needs to affair proof the marraige and then prove he has done so. With a polygraph.

This latest breach calls for an immediate Plan B. Pack his bags and don't let his sulkiness scare you. If he agrees to affair proof the marraige you may consider letting him stay. I wouldnt but you can consider it if you like.

Your husband is a selfish **EDIT** actively trying to hurt you and has been for years. Its time for you to show him what life will be like without you.

Spoke with him and did my best to keep emotions out of it but broke down after he left for work. Told him what I needed from him and that is to stop all communication with the OW. He's very angry and on the defense. Stating that Im trying to control him that he was not planning to see her despite the messages saying otherwise. He's placing blame on me saying I'm always accusing him of something! Which I did not accuse him of seeing her just that I knew he was in contact with her and that for the sake of our marriage it needed to stop! I stood my ground and stated it stops or he has to leave. I guess I'm crazy for feeling the opposite though because truth is I don't want him to leave but I know there is no other way at this point! He said he doesn't want to be around me ...so thats that! I've taken steps to prepare myself and to ensure my kids will be taken care of so I do have a plan Im just trying to prepare myself mentally while breaking down emotionally! Thank you all for your advice and listening to a stranger. It does help just being able to tell someone that understands!

BB. Based on his reaction, I would say that contact has been going on longer than you want to believe.


Right now he thinks he can bully you into backing off.


Plan B will protect you and also show him that you are serious.

PLEASE stop listening to him and his blame game. Listening to someone under the influence of an affair is like listening to a drunk.

If you can't control the emotions, its a clear sign you are reaching your Plan A limit and putting your health in danger. You are not able to make a good impression on him for much more anyway, so get out of there.

Prepare for Plan B using the link in my signature.

In the meantime Plan A, even if only in short bursts. Look good, smell good, waft around in nothing but one of his shirts.

Stay dignified and calm and remain unwilling to be manipulated or cowed. Be a woman of substance. You, unlike his cheap ho, have standards and require fidelity. You are amazing and are not easily won. Leave that taste in his mouth when you enter Plan B.

Of course you don't want him to leave. But 'when weak appear strong'.

Excellent work standing your ground!

BB --

You need to stop listening to him or his justifications/lies.

He is manipulating you into backing down. He thinks his anger will make you back down from your demands. He thinks you are afraid to lose him.

All of his tantrums/anger/silent treatment/threats are all ways he is TRYING TO PROTECT HIS AFFAIR. If he can get you to back down, then he gets to keep the status quo (having 2 women meeting his needs).

Do they still work together?

I cannot thank each one of you enough for just listening. Today has been a somewhat normal day. Got myself together and Managed to get through it ok. Morning and nights are the toughest. Still standing my ground and he actually spoke to me politely but it wasn't anything of importance. For the most part I just nodded and ignored him .He is still hiding his phone from me so I'm sure he's still in contact with her. No they do not still work together. Different shifts at different companies . Im a stay at home mom(currently looking for work) and he works thirds. The OW works first shift. hiis parents are now aware of what is going on and so does our oldest son(15). Not sure that matters much. Thankfully he spent some time with the kids today. At least it's been a manageable day.My instincts tell me he's preparing to leave.

Will he write a NC letter?

What snooping tools do you have in place?

What have his parents and your DS15 said to him about his affair?

Who did you expose to on OW's side?

Have you been to your doctor for ADs?

As of right now we are barely speaking. I highly doubt he will sign an NC. He's not even ready to admit what he's been doing! "I'm still the one to blame for his actions" in his eyes! Which of course I know Im not. As far as snooping all I had was access to his facebook which he has now since changed the password. I did take screenshots of the messages between them. I have another form but id rather not say what it is because he knows I read this site. The snooping is his main excuse for being mad at me. As far as his parents saying anything they probably won't unless he leaves. In which case he'll probably shut them out. Our son has yet to say anything but Its a matter of time. I haven't exposed to anyone on the OW side yet. Frankly her family doesn't care. They practically encouraged it last time! Just so she would have someone to take care of her! Hops from man to man. Should I expose her anyway? And what is the best way to do so?

Yes expose her and if you follow the templates in the Exposure 101 thread they are written so you don't look vindictive.

In the Exposure 101 thread there are Facebook exposure templates or even making your own website, but we've Seen Facebook act as tsunami.

You need to expose on her side especially to married women to warn them to watch her around their husbands.

Dr. Harley says women should only be in Plan A for 3 weeks and if a WH isn't repentant and trying to recover she should go to Plan B. The reason is that he has seen PTSD and health issues to their immune systems from the effects of the affair.

What do you mean they 'know'? This sounds like a trickle exposure (also known as a bad idea) where people gradually find out. You need the effects of exposure to fall on him and on OW all at once. Have you read up how to properly expose?

Yes, their reaction is up to them but I'm sure they dont want any embarrassment on their doorstep. However I would make it clear to them you are taking legal advice as to her liabity in breaking up your family. If she is responsible for legal costs, you will be seeking damages. Tell them you are keen to see that she will be named in any divorce proceedings and made to give evidence as to her role in the break up of a family. Her private emails and phone records may also be accessed and used by the court.

If she's just a skank trawling for a married man's wallet, it's a simple matter to scare her off and let her know it wont be that easy.

Plus if she's been emailing and phoning other men as back up plans (highly likely), she may not want her privacy messed with and give this up as a lost cause.

Workplace exposure will be effective too.

BB. Your WH will not change until he sees that you are "serious" about how you will allow yourself to be treated and the type of marriage that you are willing to have.

I'm sorry you are going through this.