Hi, I am just over 2 weeks into this ordeal. My husband had an affair for 2 1/2 years. We both want to make this work and can see how and why this happened. I just wonder if this length of time is just too much. I believe it wasn't a daily affair, or even weekly. I believe that because the opportunity would have not been there. I am not sure if that matters. They did have a secret phone and talked a lot. We are very open in our talks and read a lot together. It looks like we have every reason to succeed. But I just don't know how to move on from 2 1/2 years. It just seems too long, too much, too many memories.

Does anyone have had this experience, i.e. a long term affair?

Thank you.

Hi LDT,

The vets will be here shortly.

I am sorry about the reasons that brought you here.

I, too, was betrayed by my husband of 28 years. He was in a 4 year emotional affair which turned physical for the last 4 months. I found my husband's "secret phone" in July of 2011. We did go through a false recovery from July til November 2011. I do believe that you can rocover following Dr. Harley's "narrow path". We have our ups and downs and currently are getting counseling help through Steve Harley and the Counseling Center. Have you read Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair? Also, there is so much information on this website.

You will get more advice soon from the vets.

Biker Wife

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is the OW?

Do you know if they are still in contact?

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I found a good show.
Radio Clip on an 8 Year Affair
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

I don't think how long does matter. Dr. Harley describes this as a "bank". "Love bank".

A bank account, if withdrawn from, and not deposited into, comes into a circumstance set where further withdrawals from it are not allowed. Checks start to "bounce".

Just like a "bank account", our "love bank" can be driven into the red over a period of decades, where the withdrawals are slightly greater than the deposits, or in a matter of hours where a single "withdrawal" is so incredibly large that immediate insolvency results.

In my case, the affairs lasted 6 months before discovery and 4 months following discovery.

The deposits had stopped for 6 months, discovery did little to change the balance, but the huge "withdrawal" came two weeks after discovery, and almost instantaneously. Our marital counselor told her she must end her affair, and promise never to see him again, if she wanted her marriage restored.

When she refused to do this, my "love bank" bounced out and was never restored. She took no care to deposit again, only withdraw. The withdrawals of blaming me for the affair, comparing me unfavorably to the affair partner, all continued until the balance was so negative that I never wanted anything to do with her again.

Thank you for your response. What do you mean by false recovery?

No, they are not.. I am still checking though. He was told by me, the counselor and a confident, that this is absolutely necessary. He agreed, and for now he has not... He sis say at one point how is curious how she is doing and who she has 'told'. He understood that he wants to be kind to her, but by doing so he would be unkind to me. He chooses me...

She is a 'friend' who recreates with him.

We were married 15 years last fall; twins.

Thank you, we have been reading this. We are trying to attend to each other and live with much more awareness.
But not much time has passed since the discovery. I guess I am hopeful but not sure if I have it in me to forgive, let alone forget.

Yes, the length and extent of the A can have a direct effect on R. An a is an A but the Extent, duration, lying, deceit etc..can be a direct correlation to the amount of resentment felt by the BS.

However, Dr. Harley's process is the same.

Have you read up on exposure? This is STEP 1. Friends, Family, everyone should know of your husbands A.

What were the reasons your H decided to look outside of the M?

What are his complaints about you?

There are always Reasons for an A. Never excuses but always reasons.

What snooping tools do you have in place?

Is the OW married?

A false recovery is what will happen if the narrow path to recovery isn't followed. The MB path.

One of the first is, NC with an AP for life.

Read this.
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

R is measured in YEARS not days or weeks. R is possible within 2 years IF this program is precisely followed. Typically, R takes 2-5 years. It is a marathon not a sprint.

Slow down. You have to take this one step at a time.

Until your WS makes Just Compensation and you enter into a program for recovery (MB) there is no way to gage your future with him.

You should NOT forgive him.

Please read up here on this site about forgiveness in the case of A. Dr. Harley comes from the school of thought that you should not forgive a WS after an A.

My FWW and I are 1.5yrs into R and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Even with MB it is a tremendous struggle to heal our M.

Do you have SAA? Have you considered emailing the Radio program and getting advise from Dr. Harley?

So sorry you are here....I know exactly what you are experiencing. What your H has done to you is the worse possible offense he could have done.

Exposure would hurt my children. They know, they know who it is. I am not sure about dragging it to the outside world?

Adultery is what hurts children. The truth is just the truth. They have the right to know as this directly affects them and their future.

Dr. Harley's plan is very specific about exposure. It is the 1st step to R.

Exposure only "hurts" in the sense that a medical procedure might hurt. The wound is already there - putting antiseptic on it may hurt horribly, but it is the first step to cleaning out the dirt and disease.

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread with Dr. Harley's radio clips and articles on exposure?

Have you seen this?
Infidelity:The Lessons Children Learn

I am absolutely a part of the blame for what happened. I can see it clearly. I was raising kids, while he was still leading his life and being a great dad. I lost sight of him whilst raising the kids. I was mad at him, disappointed etc and it just got worse. We did not communicate correctly, how we felt. He went for an affair. Felt I did not love him. But never said it out loud in such a way that I heard him.

I never not loved him, but was easily upset and impatient with him for not stepping up to the plate, leaving us to go on trips.

And I can work with all of that. I want to be with him and I am sorry for the neglect he felt.

But I am struggling with the affair itself, the deceit, the memories they have shared. I feel left out of all the great things. I question where I was certain days, how I felt on that day. When at parties now, I rethink the previous party there, and I sit there now feeling nothing is the same and I am the only one who knows it.

I can work and look forward to our new relationship which has all the potential to be so much better than it was, but the monsters show up and I want to scream and am so sad about the deceit. And that he left me out of his special times/things/travels. And when he can't talk about it for a moment, because he is exhausted from work, I boil over because I need to talk and he can't .won't at that moment, I feel he should be talking to me because I deserve at least to talk when I need to... and then we get nowhere and it escalates and then we both feel so hopeless.

People that skip steps and only do the parts of MB that they like almost always never have a good recovery or marriage post affair.

People are not telling you to do things for their health or for their fun.

Hope is not a plan. The recovery plan is very good and has been very effective. Yes exposure and everything is scary but it is necessary.

When children are lied to they feel scared. Kids are not stupid. Kids resent it when the truth comes out, as it always does. Do your children a favour and treat them with respect and truthfulness. Tell them to tell you all about the unexplained things they have noticed and why it was scary for them.