At this point there has been so much information that has come out over the course of six months that would lead me to believe that there has been some type of affair. A phone ringing in our house that I can't find. Unexplained emails that she won't explain. Wife has gone on dating websites and porn( confirms porn but not dating sites)I uncovered a conversation with her and her sister where my wife was discussing looking for homes to move out to and she was looking at them with her boss. I located a number and called it and she answered the cell phone. This is not one of my cell phones on our family plan. She has all her emails with private passwords. She has reluctantly gone to counseling but has not admitted to any affair. Is it worth moving forward and trying to repair the marriage? If yes what would I do to get her to open up? My one and only need at this point is honesty and openness. She claims that she wants us to have a normal relationship. Obviously there is zero trust at this point.

You are asking us but, in reality, you are the only one with the answer to your question.

I understand your conclusion that she is having an affair. Given that evidence, I would probably make a similar conclusion.

I can say conclusively, that IF you and your wife BOTH want your marriage restored, it can be accomplished. In fact, you can wind up with a better marriage than you had before these things transpired.

I can also say conclusively, that you cannot "get" your wife to do anything she does not want to do. The only person who you can change is you.

You have to decide, based on the experience that you have had, whether, or not, you wish to pursue this difficult endeavor.

***EDIT***

Hi Oak2. Have you installed a keylogger on her computer and hidden a voice activated recorder (VAR)/GPS in her car?

Having solid evidence of an affair will be gold in your fight to save this marriage. Right now the things you have found can easily be explained away by her. The phone ringing was the TV, boss wants to move and helping him find a new home...blah blah

Get the evidence oak2. Find out if there is an OM and who he is. It is rare for a wayward to admit an affair without solid evidence to prove one. That is your first step. Install spyware.

At least you know where to start looking.

Let's make this easy:

75% of affairs involve someone at the WS's workplace. Faithless women seem to have a proclivity to straying with men in a position of perceived "power". If she's researching housing options with her boss....well, connect the dots, Dude!

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

What snooping tools do you have in place?

Keylogger Programs

I have been down the divorce road once in my life and I would prefer to try and save this marraige. I know that the only actions I can control are my own. Only she can decide if she is willing to change. It is extremly difficult when lies and deception are going on in the background. I do not feel at this moment that whatever was going on months ago is still going on now. Just a gut feeling. I very well could be wring though. My concerns moving forward would be first the cell phone that has been hidden. Second her emails that i do not have passwords to. These are huge stumbling blocks to moving forward. Ultimatums regarding these topics have not worked. She claims she does not have a secret cell however I called number that I found that she had on a note about houses she was looking at and the number on that note I called and she answered it. Of course she claims it was not her. I asked her who number it was and she had no answer. So I have huge concerns about that. Emails and she won't share passwords? Well, I know with the lies that she has been caught in my mind remove any possible good reason not to be open about emails. Again she claims that she absolutly want marraige to work. These issues are huge road block to moving forward for me. Again the ultimatums have not worked and done anything positive. One of my thoughts is to try and just be a good person regardless and see if this can change her internatal motivation to want to get back on track. I feel my wife is at a real bad point in her life on top of all that is happening. She was very close to her mother who died 5 years ago and she is still very broken from that. She turned 40( she really was not happy with that B -day)a couple years ago and felt as though she has accomplished nothing in her life and career. She has been mentally stuck. I feel that this midlife crisis led to her other issues. I want this to work out but I am not sure if she will be ready to make nesessary changes to openess and honesty before it is to late.

Regarding the monitoring, I have done the voice recorder. That uncover alot a the beginning. The issue is that when you uncover something disturbing then you want to confront and get answers. If there is one thing I leaned and would recommend would be to stay paytient and keep your mouth shut for 2-4 weeks. If I would have been able to keep my emotions in check that would have occured. I would have kept gathing info and kept quiet. VERY, VERY HARD TO DO WHEN YOUR HEART IS BEING RIPPED OUT. As far as gps, due her job she has very little time to do anything right now because of her job situation. I am not opposed to it though. I did not clarify in earlier message but the boss that she was looking at houses with was a former boss. They are not working together now. The one red flag with him is that he does have money. I would view him as well off. Although I make six figures it does not come close to the money he makes. My wife has always been drawn to the finer things in life. That alone is a concern.
I am not opposed to recording again or adding key logger. I think I will try that idea. My wife has an Iphone . I have heard about data recovery programs that I could extract deleted emails and texts. Any suggestions there?

...the boss that she was looking at houses with was a former boss...The one red flag with him is that he does have money. I would view him as well off. Although I make six figures it does not come close to the money he makes. My wife has always been drawn to the finer things in life.

If this ain't the guy........

Okay, having this additional information helps. You are obviously not scraping to get by, financially. So take a small percentage of one paycheck, dial 1-800-PrivateEye, and get a professional to do the dirty-work. Unless your premature interrogations have raised her protections, she will, like most waywards, be extremely sloppy in covering her tracks.

In the meantime, is potential POSOM married? If so, start prepping to expose to his BW. His having mucho $$ might be a large attraction for your WW, but he also knows it's a large attraction for his next doxie, and losing half of it in a divorce settlement is not going to be in his plans.

Remember: Keep all of this secret from your WW!

I also learned that one the hard way. You are going to have to learn to stop ALL angry outbursts (AO), love busters (LB), and disrespectful judgements (DJ) if you want any chance of recovering your marriage. Losing your cool gives your W, in her mind, reason to justify her actions. Furthermore, as you have found, it doesn't change anything.






I learned that one the hard way also. The heavy workload is one of the preferred ways to hide a secret second life.


The PI is a great idea. Can you keep your cool and come back here if the PI or keylogger finds something?

How much of the material have you read here?

Do not confront her when you find out anything. Come here to the board for direction.

Here.
Private Investigators