Why not just ask if now is a good time to take on the discussion/troubleshooting, and so forth.

He was giving hints that he didn't want to talk about it. He said "I'm tired..."

One of you should have opened the discussion about when to address it. You wanted to do it now, based on what you were saying "I know, but that won't help us solve this problem..."

You were focused on the problem and missing how your husband felt about it. (Tired and not interested in taking on the matter.)

Should he be more direct? Of course? Should you understand when he's indirectly indicating he doesn't want to do it? Of course.

It is possible that from his perspective, your persistence about this topic came across as yelling or something similar.

OK, but are you really acknowledging it if you persist on trying to engage him? It's like saying yes stepping on your foot hurts and then you keep stepping on his foot.

So what is it? You say you talk loudly. Is it possible you were louder than usual? After all, from your account, your focus was on accomplishing your goal. It's quite possible that from his perspective, given all that you've said here, that you were yelling or at least talking more loudly and more animated than usual.


Arguing about if you did or didn't doesn't solve the problem. He's told you in several ways how he feels and I don't see much indication that you really care much about his perspective. (not saying he cares about yours, but he's not here, you are.)



Discounting his perspective is not a good way to build a loving marriage.

I see his point. You were focused more on getting sound from the TV than the fact that he said he was tired and that he felt like you were yelling at him.

From his perspective, your ill feelings are self-inflicted.
Judgmental on his part. He's trying to stay out of what he perceives as your manufactured drama.

This was your opening to suggest that it may seem like that at the time and apologize for continuing to pressure him to get involved with your objective when he's clearly said he's tired.

Why not start with how to handle when he says he's tired. That statement is like a warning sign on the road. Conditions are less than favorable. I'm tired is the emotional equivalent to "Ice on the Road" or some such sign that warns you to proceed cautiously.

If you go full speed ahead, there is greater risk of a bad outcome.

You went full speed ahead with trying to get sound from the TV and you had an accident. Now you are trying to blame the road for the accident.

I'd suggest to him that emotional abuse is just as bad. So when he said he was tired and you persisted in trying to get him to engage the way you thought he should, you were emotionally abusing him, full stop.

If he were here, I would point out your emotionally abusive tactics and suggest that he simply walk away when you try that again. I would suggest to him that he be more direct and proactive. That he should say more than just I'm tired. He should say I'm tired and I want to get some rest before we tackle this.

If you keep on, I would simply suggest he walk away and return later.


I don't believe you love him. You were more concerned about getting sound from a TV than the fact that your husband was tired.

You are more concerned that he exaggerated than the fact that your husband feels like you yell at him.

I'm not saying he's an angel here. I'm saying from your own account, you have plenty on your side of the street to clean up before being too concerned about what flaws you may think he has.

You think you are a good wife, he thinks he's a good husband. I doubt it's all your fault. I doubt it's all his fault. But in the exchange you outline, there is much you could have done differently which likely would have elicited a far different outcome.

No, I haven't done that as yet, but it appears we need more help than either this forum or an email can give. My final post in this thread will explain.

Thanks BH

Hi NewEveryDay,

No, please don't blame my husband. I thank you dearly, but the problem is a medical one. Please read my final post as he's not a renter, but he needs help and kindness from me.

Ana.

Hello Optimism,

Thank you. You make a lot of sense, and I too have always loved the scripture from Psalms.

However, I'm not in a position to start trying to fix anything at the moment - I just need to be strong for my husband. My last post in this thread will explain all.

Thank you so much. Your post is very mature in the nature of loving, and despite all else, I take what you have said seriously. I have much to improve myself.

Thank you again!!!

Ana

Hi Enlightened,

Thank you for the time it took to write what you have. Some of it makes sense, and in light of what I now know, much of it doesn't.

My husband never said he was tired. He was saying he wanted to fix the sound over and over as well as saying it had been a long day. I was getting double messages for 2 whole days, but there was a reason. I did not realise this at the time. Please read my post after this. It may make sense as to why I sound as I did, and why I didn't know how to deal with it.

Thank you very much,
Ana.

For those wanting to know why all of what I wrote happened, there is a reason, and it's one I believe even Dr Harley would tell us to get help for.

My husband was placed on Doxepin for hormonal imbalance a few weeks ago. The first tablet he was ok. The second was reasonable, although he appeared a little more irritable than usual, but neither of us related this to the medication.

The third tablet brought about a minor angry outburst, a radical flattening of his usual personality, and more or far higher energy. Again, neither of us related it to the medication, and he settled.

The fourth tablet was commenced 3 nights ago. The next morning he was talking very fast, rapid and hard for me to keep track. He had AO'S throughout all I described, and yet still wanted to engage me even when I felt too scared to be engaged with him.

Today he was refused a CPAP machine until he spends enough time on one diagnostically and off the Doxepin which he has to come off of slowly due to a medication reaction. My husband has NO true recall of anything that was said by either party. He was flying high and says he still feels very agitated and still very "up" but a little better since coming down from the fourth tablet.

We're both sad this happened, and yes, I know he loves me - this was not the new him I had come to fall in love with again.

I love my husband with every fibre of my being and will love and support him through whatever needs be.

Since starting this thread it is on the upping of the medication that there was any problems. Before that, all was well. He is now sleeping peacefully but is scared he has lost time. I'm now more worried about him.

To anyone else who may read this - if your partner starts acting differently after a new drug has been commenced - please, please, always question the drug rather than your partner as I did.

Ana.