Hi! I am not sure exactly what to do.

I have read about how to meet the top 4 En if your not sure where to start but I do not want them met.

His love busters are eating me up and he will not get counsel.. He won't read books, he sees no benefit of MB as he says he is happy.

When one spouse won't stop love busters, won't learn how to meet needs... Plan A and then plan B are in order correct?

Thanks in advance, I really want to learn, just tired of the pain and want to do something!

We have been married a little over 3 years. My XH liked to put me in the hospital. Met current DH years after my split. Dated a year, married 6 months later.

Hi, Anna,

It sounds like you have read enough to understand what Dr. Harley would recommend for your situation.

It is correct that Dr. Harley focuses on the four intimate emotional needs. But it's frequently impossible to get that off the ground if love busters are present in the marriage. Demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts have got to be eliminated.

If your husband isn't taking that seriously, don't debate it with him. Instead, after Plan A (expressing a willingness to build a marriage of care with him free from this kind of abuse), you would prepare for a separation (Plan B), leaving it up to him to decide if he wants to rise to the occasion and eliminate his love busters so that he can keep his marriage.

A prolonged Plan A can typically be very dangerous for women. Some have wound up with compromised immune systems, post traumatic stress disorder, or other problems. Dr. Harley usually does not recommend that women Plan A for more than three weeks. In your case, noting that your previous husband was physically abusive, I would like you to be aware that Dr. Harley puts abuse on a continuum: demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts are all different locations in the spectrum of abuse. Usually if one doesn't get a spouse what he or she wants, he escalates to the next. Dr. Harley further says that an angry outburst makes a person temporarily insane, and that what he or she does while angry is completely unpredictable. Dr. Harley has seen cases where an angry spouse who has not been physically violent before has suddenly maimed, crippled, or killed their spouse during an angry outburst.

Thank you for taking the time to write....
What if I can't plan A? I honestly don't think I can do it.

His LB are DJ then IB, AH, SD, DH. They are all about the same in severity except the DJ's are constant.
AO... Very rare first year and its been years since his last.

I absolutely understand how dangerous people can be.

So... I am ready to prepare for plan b... Can get it done within next month but again... I can't do a real plan a. How does one do this when it has gone on way to long? ( wish I would have found the amazing DR before!!!!)

Can you afford MB coaching?

I would love MB coaching but I am a SAHM and plan B will take a lot of muster.
I would have called the phone line to get my DH on board but $ is an issue.

The online coaching would be amazing but not sure how it works alone. Plus again, $.

I think I understand what he is saying for the most part, and starting prepping today to do it... It's not gonna be easy.

It works like a charm as each of you works individually with the counselor. Sometimes you can use speakerphone if you both need to be present. The majority is alone though.

The counseling will focus on each of you cleaning up your side of the street and seeking to understand what your partner needs.

Thank you Mr. Alias.... Yes, let me re-phrase: he will not do it, calls me names (such as Only an immature brat would need counseling and my problem is just not accepting him for who he is)
He would be mad if I did it on my own, he told me two nights ago as I cried that he would rather get divorced than go to counseling.

So what I meant was that only I at this point am willing to use it.

I think that makes it clear to me. I would love to clean up my side, however... I am not safe to do so at this time and really believe plan b is all that's left to me. Even more so as I read like crazy here. If I spent my savings on the online course, I would not be able to plan b for a long time.

One of my problems is that he will not give me access to "his" money. He pays most of our bills and I am suppose to be happy with that. I only have an idea how much money he makes now. My CS money from my ex is all I have and he demands I pay for electric and other things at his whim.

Sigh

(((Hugs)))

Sometimes men like this wake up when a wife does something drastic...like file for divorce. Sometimes they never do wake up.

It is possible to make progress in marriage builders while the other party is disengaged that may help them to get to place where they could make choices to re-engage and start to participate in the marriage again.

I am not talking about plan A - that is really for cases of infidelity and does not apply here.

The MB counselling may be out of your reach financially but these boards are not. Here you can work through huge amounts of personal growth and find out for sure if this marriage has a chance. Until you have done that work you cannot know. Such a shame to throw away a potentially good marriage without really checking it out.

Men will often say that they are 'happy' or be unwilling to go to counselling if they feel it always becomes all about them and their faults. You have told us his, but you have not told us yours.

What would he say if he were willing and felt 'safe' to say what he thinks? What are the LBs you are committing that cause hi to clam up like this?

Not blaming you, just saying there is the other side to this story and only by starting to understand that can you make progress. (Of course he can only make progress by starting to understand your side and the aim is to help him to get to the place where he will be wiling to try to do that.) Remember it is not about one person being right and another wrong. It is about the marriage being worth the effort. Only after putting the effort into this program can you know.

Your first step must be to eliminate your LBs. Identify them by use of your own intelligence and observation since you do not have his input. Then eliminate your LBs. Hard work? Yes. Easier than dumping this relationship and starting over - very likely!

You might point out that counseling is cheaper than divorce

I also think you need the assistance of the professionals to help you through this ordeal.

You may not get his enthusiastic agreement on this ... but he's making you live in a prison and you shouldn't accept his antics.

He sounds abusive. I'd lean towards getting out if that is how he treats you.

Thank you Smiling woman, hugs are sweet!

Heart song: the point of plan b would not be to throw away our relationship as in when to call it quits, but its last chance of making it.

His biggest complaint is that I complain. I try to make it about the problem and do not call names. He hates that I want access to his money, that I don't want to give him total freedom to come and go as he pleases and want to have a say in decisions. I do not believe these are LB but simply signs of care and the lack of these make me feel like I have no voice and not even afforded common respect as a human.

Anyhow, I was planning to divorce him but after finding this site it gave me some direction on a last chance.

Kilted: I have told him that but he just comes back with telling me the divorce would be on my head since I am obviously not mature enough to make rational decisions. He would feel no remorse for refusing giving money to counselors who are nothing but snake oil salesmen.

Reading Dr. H description of abuse as more than just physical was eye opening! I sincerely believe I have gone from a horrible abusive relationship to another
Plan b is going to be his last and only chance.

So, I have found a place to rent, and a few leads on jobs and was wondering, I am going to leave the house.. I have no rights to it and getting out of here would be nice for now. ( I have already spoken to numerous attorneys as well and they told me I am in a bad spot financially)

I am not sure how to pack up the kids and I without his notice... Or do some of these things. Does plan b have to be a total surprise?

The Only way to stay here would be to file for divorce and get a court order for him to be removed.... That would only last through proceedings though.

Any thoughts?

Why do you have no rights to the house?

I would lean toward having him removed...you need to file for divorce anyway...it will be a legal protection for you and child support needs to be set, especially since he is so secretive and possessive of 'his' money. Even if you can't stay in the house long term it will give you some valuable time to get a plan..and you will also know how much cs he will be paying.

SW: it was his house before we married, he refused to add me to the deed etc and I doubt he would hand anything over to me, if we split, I couldn't afford it or want it anyhow.

In TX you only get to keep what you came in with. I will get part of 401k for the 3 years we were together etc and anything we bought together... Which is just a car. He owned everything we use now before marriage.

Oh I see. Well the positive of that is less for you to worry about dividing up.

Can you email the Harleys?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I ended up getting sick... Not sure if its just stress. I will email the show, just started listening... They are awesome!
Anyhow, will post if they answer me. Thank you! :-)
I really do appreciate all the help and time everyone has given!

I just wanted to update that my DH, realized he was going to loose me and has been reading and doing the workbook 5 steps to romantic love with me. He schedules UA time with me (which is still weird sometimes)
He still has DJ issues but is working on them and is at least acknowledging them etc... Hopeful.

So how long does it take to feel better? I still am not sure it is for real. Does the DJ have to stop totally before it gets better? Is there a time frame?

Oh he says he wants to add all our money together and POJA purchases but hasn't done it yet. Should this be my line in the sand? Doesn't do it in certain number of weeks, leave and plan b?